Mostly whining

I went to a Halloween thing at a metaphysical store, and had a mini Reiki session. One of the things the practitioner told me was that my throat chakra was blocked, and I should work on expressing myself more, saying what I’m feeling or thinking. Its not the first time I’ve been told that, and its totally true. I don’t open up about things that much anymore. I used to have someone to talk to, but now I don’t, so I just don’t talk about how I feel or what I’m thinking.

I wish I had something delightful to share, but I don’t. This is my blog, I should, as I have in the past, be able to post about anything, but lately I edit myself. A lot. Several blog posts have been started and deleted because I don’t know how to say what I want and need to say without sounding like a whiny bitch. When I don’t edit myself and go on a free for all, I feel like I should go back and delete the post because there are enough people complaining about insignificant stuff on the internet (Starbucks cups, anyone?). Its an ugly circle. But today I’m going to embrace my inner whiny bitch and just get some of it out.

I’m constantly tired and that’s putting me in a pretty poor mood. My closer friends have stopped talking to me, so I must be pretty miserable to be around or even text with. Zach is super busy with his new position at work and the Magic season starting, not that it should be his job to entertain me. He’s an adult with friends and a future, and I want him to take full advantage of that. Sidebar–I was watching Hemlock Grove to see if it was at all like the book (season one is a weird perversion of it), and a character said of being a single mom to a son that when they’re growing up, you feel like you’re all that they have, but when they grow up, you realize they are all YOU have, and that IS SO THE TRUTH–end sidebar. I don’t feel like I can talk to Jon anymore. My nerves are so raw that I’m snapping at him about shit on just about a daily basis, so I just don’t talk to him much at all. Besides, anything I do say goes in one ear and out the other within a matter of seconds, and repeating myself gets as old as the “I’m forgetful” excuse.

Aside from generally feeling shitty physically and being in a lousy mood, I’m not sleeping well because I’m having completely fucked up dreams. Chloe wakes me up in the morning after a short, fitful night, then I usually take a fitful nap. I’m not eating well anymore. I’m not getting any exercise because I don’t have the energy or desire to move. My thoughts revolve around regrets and loss. I can think of so many things I should have would have could have done differently. I can’t stop thinking about the people I’ve lost. I miss my parents. I’ve never been a super optimistic type, but the hole I’m in is deeper than usual. I’ve fallen and I don’t know how to get back up because the support system I thought I had is gone. Its nobodies fault but my own. I’ve made the decisions to put myself here. Yes, there are things that other people did or did not do that have made some things go differently than planned, but in reality, I can trace the mistakes I’ve made way way WAY back, and it seems like those mistakes were made when I was feeling some optimistic about my abilities or the future. Its no wonder I stray away from optimism.

I don’t really know where else to go with this. I could say a lot more, but I feel like I’ve said enough.

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High on paint fumes

After I posted the last blog, things just started falling in line and getting done.

I got a call Monday about delivery of the new sectional. They could have brought it this past Wednesday, but there was no way I would be ready, so its coming this Wednesday. This was the kick in the ass that I needed, a definite date that I HAD to be done by. I’m not usually big on procrastination because it makes me anxious, but sometimes I guess I need the crunch time to really get rolling.

I found a place that deals in mid-century furniture and sold the couch and chairs. I got a bit less than I would have liked, but considering the cushions needed to be replaced/recovered, I’m not considering it an extreme loss. It was kind of hard to see it go since its been around my whole life, but I know the new furniture will be a welcome change. Paint was purchased on Monday, we got the chimney cleaned Tuesday (it was bad, y’all), and the old couch and chairs were picked up on Thursday. Wednesday I threw tarps over everything and painted the ceiling. What a pain. in. the. ass. I kept getting paint in my eyes. I used up the gallon I’d gotten and had to send Zach to pick up another to finish. He and Jon helped me finish the ceiling. Friday Zach and I were able to get the walls done. Saturday I did trim, and between Saturday and today, the carpet was cleaned.

So now I have this big, empty room.IMG_0401 I have curtains to hang. I have plenty of pictures to put on the walls. The sectional is going between the windows, across from the fire place. Eventually, the carpet will be replaced with wood. It probably would have been smart to do that before getting furniture, but I didn’t think about that until Friday night. The lack of sleep and paint fumes had me thinking Friday that maybe we could install flooring in just the living room, and save the rest for later, but cooler, more rested heads prevailed and said that was pushing it too much.

I won’t lie. Even though the things I’ve been worried about are now done, the past week has been a real challenge. I sat down and cried many times because I felt overwhelmed and scared. I was so anxious about getting things done that most days I was up before the sun. My allergies have been horrendous, probably because so much stuff was moved around, or I’m allergic to latex paint. Tonight it should be decent enough to open the windows, so maybe some fresh air will help.

The best part of all of this is we’ll finally have a place to gather and relax. Zach can have friends over, the TV can be comfortably viewed from more than one or two seats. We can have a fire on nights that are cool enough to pretend its worth it. Generally, the whole room is going to feel warmer and more inviting. Now I just have the rest of the house to contend with.

August, September . . .

August is probably my least favorite month. May is difficult, with my mom’s birthday, mothers day, and date of her death all in one month, but August is a different kind of messed up. By the time August rolls around, we’ve already had a good three months of summer heat and humidity, and I know that it will continue through August with gusto. Nothing really good has ever happened in August, either.

September is moving up there, too. Maybe if I didn’t live in Florida, I wouldn’t be growing to dislike it so much, but its the FIFTH month of summer heat. If I’m over it by August, I’m WAY over it by September. I think I spend the entire month walking around with Green Day in my head. 

 Now its October, and its still hot and humid. Finally we have some lows forecast for the 60’s, but only for a few days, then its back to 90’s during the day, 70’s for lows. I would really like to open a window at this point and get some fresh air in here, but I’m just not feeling the temperatures yet, and won’t be for another couple of weeks AT LEAST. Its frustrating. I’m jealous of the people who are breaking out boots and sweaters.

I feel like I’ve been off track for the past two months. The first eight days of August, I was participating in GISHWHES (its a scavenger hunt. I meant to blog about it, but I’ve just been off and never got to it). It was an interesting experience, and I met some really cool people, but I got so stressed out that I ended up not feeling well. I had been doing yoga every day since April, I believe, so at the end of July I decided to change it up and do this two week “yoga shred” challenge. It was nothing like yoga, I don’t even know why it was called a “yoga” shred. I’ve done some good power yoga, and even though its a lot more cardiovascular and challenging than a lot of the yoga I’ve done, it still felt like yoga, which leaves me feeling peaceful and focused. I digress, during the “yoga shred” I aggravated a muscle in my hip. That was right around the time GISHWHES was ending. I was stressed out and tired, so I decided to give myself a break, and things just haven’t been the same since.

Last month, I gave myself a deadline of October 4th to get the living room painted. Its something I’ve been planning to do for a while (LONG ass while), plus we have some new furniture coming this month, so I thought it was doable. I thought I’d be motivated enough to do it. I did lose a week of September to a really nasty cold, but otherwise, I’ve just run out motivation to get myself moving. I don’t feel like myself, and part of that I blame on what feels like a never-ending, humid, suffocating summer.

I’ve been trying to get some stuff done in the living room this week to get it ready for painting, but every time I do anything, my allergies get awful and I’m sidelined because I can’t breathe or see. I’m trying different allergy meds, but it gets so bad I need to take benadryl, which leaves me feeling doped.  I’m starting to wonder if my allergies are partially in my brain, though, because deep down I feel bad for changing things in this house that have been one way for almost my entire life. My grandparents got the couch and chairs I have back in the 1950’s when my grandfather was stationed in the Philippines. The entire living room set up is not functional for the way we live, and its not my style. Since this is my house now, it should be ok to make it my own, right? But I still feel guilty. Plus, the furniture is large, and I haven’t found it a new home. I’ve said to Zach that I just don’t see how I’m going to work around it to paint the ceiling, walls, and trim, and there’s nowhere else in the house to put this stuff. He sees a way, but I’m just stuck seeing everything as impossible obstacles.

The only thing progressive I’ve done is pick the wall color and make a list of supplies I need (in my head). Zach has been picking up some of my slack and getting things organized and out of the way, and I feel bad about that because he’s been doing manager training this week, along with NBA preseason starting. He’s busy. Jon’s busy too. I feel like it should be my problem since it was my idea, so I’m having a hard time saying what I need to say. “I need help.” I should be excited–I’ve wanted to change the living room for a long time now, so why do I just feel like crawling in a hole, waiting for the storm to pass?

Girls are stupid and lazy

I’m about ready to quit the world. Definitely ready for a Facebook break, because:

  1. I saw an article on Facebook today about some woman who was upset that she was asked to cover up in a coffee shop because she as wearing a sports bra and pants, but no shirt. She’s a personal trainer, you see, and this is what she wears to work every day, so why not wear it to the coffee shop where other people go in their work attire?
  2. Some girl who works at at JC Penny got sent home for wearing short shorts, a sleeveless shirt, and barely there sandals, and didn’t “understand” why she couldn’t wear that to work because the outfit wasn’t provocative.

This has nothing to do with equal rights, either. This has to do with having some sense of decency, modesty, and caring about how you present yourself in public.

The girl in the sports bra for instance. Yes, I know sports bras come in many pretty colors and patterns, and for a lot of women, its the only top they wear when working out. Key words though–WORKING OUT. Personally, I don’t wear sports bras as tops, not even when I’m working out home alone, because I don’t feel dressed in a sports bra (also, I have boobs), so my opinion might be a little skewed by that. Whether a woman wears something over her sports bra is personal choice these days, but just because they’re ok when you’re jogging, doing yoga, or you’re in the gym, it doesn’t mean its ok to wear them everywhere! Its still a BRA to many people. A guy wouldn’t be served if he came in without a shirt, and a woman in a sports bra is not a woman in a shirt. And seriously, if you’re fit enough to be a personal trainer, it shouldn’t be a strain for you to throw a t-shirt on over your sports bra before you go for coffee. “I didn’t have anything to put on” is a lazy excuse. I think part of this is coming from this bullshit “athlesiure” movement. There’s a time and a place for things, and workout wear is not what you wear to a restaurant. Would you wear a ball gown to the grocery store? I doubt it.

I think it was last month the JC Penney girl popped up. The shorts she’s wearing in the picture are SHORT, I think we can agree. If I’d walked into the store, I never would have guessed she worked there. She looked like she belonged at a picnic, or possibly running a ride at an amusement park, not working in a department store! Look around at your fellow employees–are they dressing that way? I doubt it. Do you walk into other JC Penneys and see employees dressed like this? I doubt it. I know, she says wasn’t “informed” that shorts weren’t part of the dress code. Another lazy excuse. Use your head, girl! She up and QUIT because of that, and posted to twitter about it looking for support? Seriously? I went to a first day on a job wearing a skirt and opened toed shoes. I was politely informed of the dress code that day. Turns out opened toed shoes were only acceptable with pants, and panty hose (ugh) and closed-toed shoes had to be worn with skirts and dresses. Did I feel body shamed? No. Did I get offended and quit? No, because I’m an adult and understand that there are rules! If I’d known before I went to work that day, I would have followed the dress code!

I’ve learned of both of these stories through social media, and I’ve seen headlines for both that have claimed these events sparked “internet outrage.” What’s outrageous is the fact that this is getting press as “body shaming” or not treating women equally. What the outrage should be over is the lack of common sense, and, I’ll say it, decency. I know there are a lot of girls complaining about dress codes at schools “body shaming” them and that boys shouldn’t be distracted by legs, and equal rights and treatment, blah blah. Sorry, lazy excuses. Equal rights is not getting away with whatever the hell you want. Boys have to cover their underwear and wear pants that are a certain length, so if you want to be treated equally, you should have to cover your underwear and wear shorts that are a certain length! You’re still a kid, by the way, and should be listening to the adults. Learning to follow rules now will help you when you’re a grown up. Also, when I was in middle school, our shorts had to be TO THE KNEE and you’re bitching because you can’t wear something that hits above mid thigh? Shut the fuck up!

I’m getting old and grumpy, I suppose. This kind of shit would not have flown when I was a teenager. Hell, sports bra coffee shop woman is 35. I don’t think that would have happened five years ago, even, or at least the news wouldn’t have broadcast it. Woman didn’t walk around in sports bras and leggings, calling it “athleisure.” Its not “athlesiure” its “lazy.” When I was younger, the only “athleisure” you saw was old women in track suits walking around the mall. I don’t wear yoga pants out and about to get tea or to run to the store. I don’t think that’s what they’re for. Its the same reason I wouldn’t wear jeans to a wedding. I also didn’t raise a girl, so I didn’t run into these problems. Zach never gave me trouble about wanting to wear his shorts so his butt hung out. I was guess I was lucky.

I’m in a bad mood. My neck and shoulder are tweaked, and the weather sucks. Venting has helped a tiny bit. Oh, while I’m at it, I guess I might as well say it–GET OFF MY LAWN!

Off to college? Some tips from me, to you

Even if you’re not going to college . . .

I love Target, I really do. They’ve made some headlines lately with the person pretending to be a Target team member on Facebook, responding in a way that I found amusing, to people who are all bent out of shape that they are removing gender specific signs in toy departments and whatnot. I’m not bothered by this change, I think kids should play with whatever they want thats age appropriate and safe. So what if your daughter wants a Hot Wheels car, or your son wants a Barbie. Let them be kids! Let them explore. I didn’t force gender specific toys on my son. He had sports related toys, tools, and a kitchen set when he was a wee little one, and he loved it all! He’s 22 now, and he writes about sports, but he is also handy in the kitchen.

Back to Target. I love Target. Its further away than Walmart for me, but I’d rather shop there because its generally a much better experience, and I think a lot of their products are better quality and more my style. For instance, I just got two lamps that are pretty much identical to lamps I could get at Pottery Barn (I want to live in their catalog) for a FRACTION of the cost! But Target back to schoolI digress–looking at the Target ad is always a Sunday highlight for me, so when I got this weeks ad an saw this? I was a bit thrown. Oh Target, dear Target, are you implying that college kids only eat junk and processed foods? This doesn’t have to be the case. While some of these foods are yummy–I grew up eating Kraft mac and cheese and still adore the neon orange weirdness to this day, and Doritos? Does anyone not like Doritos?—they should not be staples in your diet, and they don’t have to be!

Like I mentioned earlier, my college age son is an ace in the kitchen. He finds recipes he likes and he cooks from scratch, so thanks to him, and some recent changes I’ve made in my own life, here’s my letter to you.

Dear student, You’re off to college, so I assume you can read. I’m also going to assume you can follow directions, so I believe you, too, can cook from a recipe! Can’t follow directions? its time to learn! Don’t have a full kitchen at your disposal? That’s ok. However, if you have enough to cook boxed mac and cheese or a frozen pizza? You have the equipment to cook real food, too.

Why should you bother, you say? You’re young, healthy and active and never put on weight. Well that might not last forever. The one thing that you will have for the rest of your life? Your body. You need to take care of it. How do I know this? Because I’m old enough to have a college age kid, and I watched my mom slowly die from a disease that could have been controlled or possibly reversed had she given a shit about what she was eating. Its a harsh reality. Trust me. You don’t want to live it.

How do you eat healthy on a college budget? How do you cook when there’s so little time because you have to study, possibly work, and of course there’s parties. Don’t fret! I’m going to give you a few tips!

  1. When you go to the grocery, look for whole foods. What does this mean? Fruits, vegetables, whole grains. The perimeter of the grocery is usually the healthiest. There are a few exceptions, of course. Oatmeal (I’m talking steel cut or old fashioned-not the quick cooking kind) is usually in the aisle with cereal. Oatmeal is SO great to have around because you can use it to make overnight oatmeal! No cooking required! You probably have a pinterest, right? Search for recipes on there, or even on google. You’ll find plenty! The take a couple minutes to throw together, you can make several days worth at once. You can make it in bowls or mason jars, you can use whatever kind of milk you like. You can add stuff like chia seeds (protein and healthy fats!), nuts, and top it with fruit. You can eat it cold, or heat up what you want. Most days of the week, this is my go to breakfast. Some days, I make it with cocoa powder so i have a chocolaty breakfast! Also, nut and seed butters will probably be down one of these middle aisles. The ones low in sugar and added oils are excellent because they provide protein and not much work.
  2. Eat fruits and vegetables. So your parents didn’t make you eat them growing up because it was easier to let you eat what you liked and not fight you? I understand. Raising a kid is tough. My son, Zach, used to eat anything and everything when he was a toddler, but once he hit school age, he got picky and started refusing foods he once liked (gotta test boundaries somehow). We had a “you must eat one bite” rule when I was growing up, and I did the same with him. He remained resistant on many things, still is with some things, but he’s opened his mind a lot. You’re going to college to learn, right? Expand your mind? Why not expand your palate as well? You can buy pre-washed salad mix, pre-washed and cut fruits and vegetables. They’re making it easy to use them, you guys!  Fruits and vegetables are not only good for meals, but they make great snacks! Will you like everything you try? No. I, to this day, dislike lima beans, and I have an old, dear friend who hates green beans, but that doesn’t mean we shun all vegetables! Don’t forget, you can also gets good veggies and fruits in the freezer section.
  3. Herbs and spices are your friends, along with healthy oils and vinegar. Salt is fine too. If you have high blood pressure, you should watch your sodium intake, but when you’re cooking your own foods, foods that come from whole sources that don’t have added salt, its easy to control your sodium intake! Salt brings out the natural flavor in food, so don’t shut it out completely. You can use oil, vinegar, herbs and spices to make salad dressing thats much better for you than anything you buy pre-made. You can find recipes for these too. You can make your own ranch dressing without ranch seasoning packets too! Did you know Hidden Valley Ranch has MSG? That’s probably something you like to avoid in your Chinese take out, so you should probably avoid it in your salad dressings, too. Guess we know what they’ve been hiding in that valley now, don’t we?
  4. The most basic rule to follow when you’re shopping for food is to read the ingredient list. It should be relatively short and simple, and it shouldn’t be loaded with things you cannot pronounce or that you use to make things explode in the chemistry lab. If sugar, or any of its aliases, is one of the first few ingredients, look for an alternative. Not that all sugar is bad, but its one of those things you want to eat in moderation. Look for natural sweeteners like honey and maple syrup. I’ve read coconut palm sugar is not a bad alternative, either. Generally, the less processed, the better.
  5. Do yourself a favor and give up the soda and energy drinks NOW. Learn to drink water if you don’t already, because a dehydrated body is a tired body. Don’t want to pay for bottled water? I’m fine with that. A lot of it isn’t any better than tap water anyway. Don’t like tap water? Get a Britta (or similar) filter. You replace the cartridge about every six months, so its probably cheaper than bottled in the long run. Need caffeine? Try coffee or one of the MANY kinds of tea that are out there. I bet there’s a coffee and tea shop on or near your campus where you can try all kinds of new ways to consume caffeine! Just don’t drink soda, ok? Coke removes rust from metal. Do you really want to drink that? You may think its impossible to cut it out if you’ve been drinking it for most of your life, but its not. I had been drinking soda longer than  some of you were alive when I gave it up, and I haven’t looked back. Diet soda isn’t an alternative, either. Those artificial sweeteners are just as bad if not worse than all the sugar in regular soda. oh, and while I’m being a buzzkill, pre-bottled juice isn’t so good for you, either. Makes your blood sugar spike. You’re better off eating the whole fruit or vegetable, or getting fresh juice.
  6. There are plenty of yummy things to snack on that aren’t Doritios or potato chips. Nuts, seeds, yogurt (get plain yogurt and add your own sweetener and fruit or whatever you want). Want something sweet? Eat some fruit. Want chocolate? Go dark! Dark chocolate has polyphenols (good stuff!), and some even call it a “superfood.” One of my rules for life is to never waste time or money on lousy chocolate, so go for something 60% or higher. A small portion can be very satisfying.
  7. Look at what’s on sale and plan your meals ahead when you can. Cook meat to add to salads or sandwiches once or twice a week. If you have yummy, wholesome food around, you’re less likely to go out spending money on fast food, because you’re making your own fast food! If you’re eating in the school cafeteria, stick with the most natural foods they have.

Its pretty simple when you get right down to it. It may take your palate time to adjust if you’ve been eating a lot of processed foods, but your body will thank you in the end. College should be a place where you expand your horizons, not just learn skills or facts that will get you a job. Plus, you’ll have more energy naturally when you eat whole foods. Its also ok to grab a bag of Doritos, or eat some Kraft Mac and Cheese once in a while if it feels good. Just remember this one word–moderation. Moderation is the key to eating well. You can trust me, I have experience with this, but that’s another blog entirely.

Now go! Have fun! Always read the instructions before starting a test, don’t drink and drive, remember that its ok to say no, and when someone says no, it means no! No does not mean yes, and yes does not mean anal. If some frat guy says that to you, walk away. I don’t care how damn cute he is, just walk the fuck away. Finally, you’re paying for school, most likely, or if you’re lucky enough to have a scholarship, someone else has paid for it. Don’t waste your (or their) time and money! Go on now and grow, you beautiful monster!

With love, light, concern, and respect,

–Heather

defeat

Last weekend Jon and I went to Lecanto to visit his dad for a St. Patricks day bbq. I know Jon isn’t terribly close to his family, particularly his dad, so since we got the invitation last month, I’ve told him it was completely up to him whether we went or not. Anyways, we went, and it made Jon completely miserable. He said in his own blog that the only reason he went was because it was important to me to “meet the family.” I am a little old fashioned, and being introduced to family does mean something to me. It shows acceptance. But this? I never wanted him to be unhappy. That’s the last thing I want. If I never met his dad because he didn’t want to see him I would have understood. Frankly, I was very nervous around his father, and didn’t quite know what to say. I had an opportunity to have a conversation with him, but I was too afraid and backed out. For the past week I’ve felt like the biggest jerk in the world. Jon says he doesn’t blame me, but its all there, written in black and white, or whatever colors his journal is. It makes me cry now, just thinking about it.

This weekend, as well as Saturday of last weekend, we spent a lot of time outdoors walking. Last weekend was the Winter Park sidewalk art festival. Its held along Park Ave. and the park that sits along side it. The oak pollen has been high lately, and being out a good part of the day breathing that made me wheeze. I think I kept Jon up most of the night because he kept talking to me, concerned about my breathing. I’ve been a little wheezy since. Maybe there is something else wrong, I don’t know, but I felt bad about wheezing so much. Also, every time we walk, I get extreme pain in my calves. Maybe too much laziness has led to muscle atrophy. I just don’t know, but it really sucks. 

I started something called Shakeology. Its a meal replacement shake with a ton of nutrients, antioxidant, adaptogens, etc. I feel like I’m still waiting for its full effect. The first week and a half I was going though detox, and that was rough. I enjoy drinking it. It feels very complete. I’m technically a Beach Body coach so if any of you are interested in their products or programs (Like Insanity or P90X) don’t hesitate to contact me, violetsinblue@gmail.com, and I’ll help you out. I feel like I can be a great coach. I’m very good at supporting people and encouraging them. I’m just not good at doing it for myself. I’ve got two fitness programs and fear of failure has stopped me from starting both of them. I have a good deal of weight to lose, and I know its not going to be easy at my age and fitness level. I wish I had somebody who was gentle and understanding of my fear to help motivate me. Actually I could really use that in several aspects of my life. But I want to get fit. I want to be healthy, I want to get things done. I’m just scared and don’t believe in myself. And when I hurt people I love, it makes me feel worse about myself.

So yeah. I’m having a kind of shit month. Hope yours is better.

Happy holidays

Ugh I need a shower. Damn House marathon on Oxygen every Thursday.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas. I did. I got a Magic shirt and Cinderella DVD from Zach and the cutest beaded owl sculpture from Jon. Zach got lots of Magic “swag” and a nice set of headphones. I gave Jon a fox t-shirt (he loves foxes) and a set of Star Trek glasses.

I was so happy to have Jon over for Christmas. I know I have Zach, but a lot of the time I feel  alone around the holidays. He’s such a great person and I’m so happy to have him in my life. He was very helpful in the kitchen too! At the end of the night he was snoring quietly next to me while Chloe was laying by my feet. I felt so lucky and so satisfied.

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Every year I try so hard to make the house feel warm and welcoming, and like the holidays are a special time. It stresses me out. The week before Christmas I was just not feeling like I’d done a good job and pulled myself away from everybody and everything. I think I spent most of the week in bed. It really sucked. I just put too much pressure on myself, I think. I never baked cookies, and that really bothers me.

Not sure what we’ll be doing for New Years Eve. I’ll be spending it with Jon, I know that much. We might get together with a couple of friends and just hang out. Neither one of us is a real wild party person. We’re both very quiet and I think that’s one of the reasons we get along so well. 

 Looking forward to the new year! Hope you are too. I wish you all the best!

An app for that

At least I can blog. That’s about the only thing I can do. It’s been raining for 24 hours and the power has been out for 23. They hope to get the power back on by midnight. There were trees down all over the place. We’ve had nearly four inches of rain today alone.

I’m going stir crazy. It’s completely still and silent except for the rain falling on the roof and splashing in the puddles. I finally got dressed thinking that would make me feel like I had a direction as opposed to lying around in my pajamas. I was up at 7 something with the cat. I took something of a nap in the late morning, clinging to my phone so as to not drop my games of words with friends. I kept waking and clutching the phone when I would feel it slip.

Days like this when I have nothing to do to keep my mind occupied are dangerous. There are too many thoughts to sift through. Too many questions. All of the “what ifs” my brain can come up with. There really needs to be a switch to shut off some brain functions. In the mean time I’ll sit here and stew in my thoughts.