Day 30- your aspirations

Aspiration. Such a big, loaded word that leads one to think of big, lofty goals to be reached. I’m not sure if I like or not. Lets play with it.


I’ve been working out a lot because its my aspiration to be healthy and happy. Is that something where you reach a tangible goal and you’re done? I don’t think so. Its a continuing, lifetime process, but it doesn’t mean its not an aspiration does it?

I aspire to be friendly to the people I meet. That’s an easily reached goal. Because its so easy, is it not an aspiration? Not at all.

I aspire to be a good mother. I aspire to be a good friend. I aspire to be conscious of my health. I aspire to be an excellent cook. I aspire to one day knit a lace shawl. I aspire to get through nanowrimo next month.

Seriously, I can play with this word all day.

I guess this thirty day meme was an aspiration. I aspired, and with this blog, I’ve reached that goal. Thirty days of posts on particular topics. I’ve enjoyed it. I hope those who have stuck with me through it enjoyed it too, and will stick around, as this has really got me into blogging mode.

I feel like Doogie Howser right now, like I’m wrapping up my day into a neat little blog post (insert me gazing to the side and smiling).



Day 29- favorite foods/drinks

Something where I get to choose multiples! Lets start with drinks as there are not so many. I’m a big water drinker. I always have been. You don’t have to force me to get my eight glasses a day. I drink soda too, but limit it a lot. Sometimes I drink hot tea, most any variety, but again not that often. Same for coffee drinks and hot chocolate. Hot chocolate is reserved for the cold nights we sometimes have.

Food? The first thing that came to mind was Pad Thai, probably because I haven’t had it in ages. I’m really not a picky eater. I’ll try just about anything (though I do have an aversion to organs). I love love love Italian food and Mexican food. Its hard to eat light when you eat those, though. I like simple food and fancy food. I love my veggies and fruits. I LOVE my peanut butter and jelly sandwich too.

My biggest downfall is probably cake. I will eat cake anytime anywhere. If I was in the middle of a workout at the gym and someone said “Hey here’s a piece of cake!” I’d stop what I was doing and eat the cake. I don’t know of a kind of cake I don’t like. A nice piece of cake with a cappuccino, and you’ll make me a happy happy girl.

So, when do we eat?

Day 28- something you miss

Since its that time of year, I miss Halloween as a kid. It was usually a little cooler up in Alabama, more seasonal, not that it really mattered as much to me. We were always in a hurry to get to as many houses that we could that we didn’t notice we were running in crisp cool air through piles of dying leaves.

I remember my dad taking some of my friends and me trick or treating every year. Everyone walked back then. Nobody had a mom with a minivan to drive them from house to house. Nobody was on a cell phone calling to be picked up, we had to walk home no matter how far we went. On the Air Force base there was a real sense of community and if you had a parent with you they were always running into people they knew too.

And the smell of burning pumpkin, because there was no excuse to not have a real Jack-o-Lantern. No art pieces, just silly or scary faces. And so much candy. They’ve put pumpkin pie in a candle, but they still haven’t come out with that burning pumpkin smell you’d always get with candles in pumpkins. Nothing equals fall and Halloween to me like that smell.

Ah, memories.

Day 27- your favorite place

My favorite place. You’ll notice I’ll rephrase the daily topic when I can’t think of anything right off of the top of my head. Well, the place where I spend most of my time is in my room. I don’t know if I’d classify that as a “favorite place.” I think I spend the second most amount of time at the gym, which is a nice place, but not my favorite. The rest of the house doesn’t feel homey to me, so that’s why I’m in my room most of the time, busting my back, sitting on the bed.

My favorite place is Anthropologie in the Mall at Millenia. That’s our fancy mall down in tourist area but I get out there every once in a while. They’ve got a lot of stores that we don’t have closer. The reason I love Anthropologie is I could explore in there for hours. Sure, they’re expensive, but it can still be fun to put outfits together and wish. Plus they have a sale section. Its not just clothes though, its home goods too. All in one cosy store with many nooks and crannies.

Close second would be any bookstore. I usually go to the bookstore when I just need a quiet break. I’ll wander the aisles looking for interesting titles and authors I like. I prefer fiction, and I’ll read a pretty good expanse of it, when I’m in reading mode.

Ok, that was supposed to be favorite place singular, not plural. Oh well, I’m 32 flavors and then some.

Day 26- your fears

Let’s start with the deep seeded fears and playfully follow the things that scare me and creep me out.

I fear being alone. I should rationalize that I’ll always have Zach, but what if something happened to him? Or what if he decided to distance himself from me when he’s an adult? Plus there’s that other kind of companionship that I want. I would love to find a great guy and settle down with him. I’m afraid that I will never meet the right guy, though. Especially as I get older.

I fear being broke and having no place to go. I’ve pretty much got the guarantee of a house at some point in the future, but its not in my ideal location. Plus, having a house means bills to pay and upkeep to keep up with. What if I don’t have a decent job and can’t afford anything? I’d be screwed.

Now, the things that creep me out. Big bugs, especially cockroaches, water bugs, and lubber grasshoppers. If I see one, I am SURE that that bugs lot in life is to terrify me by getting in my hair or crawling on me. I an typically handle spiders, but those others, eww no. I have to fuss and fuss until I get help dispatching the monster. My fear of roaches is severe enough that I’v woken up from nightmares screaming because I’m sure I saw several on the ceiling drop onto my bed.

I’m also, well, this is really strange. I love balloons, I really love balloons, but every time I’m around them I get tense because I’m afraid of the noise they make when they pop, especially if it startles me. I don’t like to be scared by things, especially random things. This is also why I stay away from Halloween Horror Nights and haunted houses that aren’t for kids. I’m not afraid of the supernatural, I’m afraid of the natural.

Day 25- your sleeping habits

My sleeping habits include a bed, pajamas, ambien, and a cat. I usually sleep on my right side, and use a comforter year round.

A lot of nights I have trouble falling asleep and am up very late or not at all. Nights when I do sleep, I usually sleep pretty heavily for a while. When my sleep lightens, anything can wake me up. My dad’s cough will wake me with such a start its like waking from a nightmare. Then of course there is the power of the cat stare to wake me. I sleep as long as I can, because I love to sleep.

I strongly believe in napping. I will take a nap if I didn’t get enough sleep, couldn’t sleep, or if I’m just generally tired and there’s nothing to do. I think everyone should be entitled to an afternoon nap. Naps all around!

The iTunes project is moving along slowly. Still on the A’s. Alizée. I have a thing for French Pop.

Day 24- something that makes you cry

I’m not much of a crier anymore. I think I either a) cried out all of my tears several years ago when I was going through a mini hell, or b) am so numb from medication that I just don’t cry that much.

If I do cry, its because I’m physically and mentally exhausted and frustrated over something, Or I’m physically and mentally exhausted and start thinking about being alone. I don’t cry over movies, or books. I used to, but I just don’t have the emotion to give it anymore.

I’m trying to remember the last time I cried. I can’t, though I could cry now because that exhaustion and frustration are pretty high today. Bad night last night, people.


It seems the only way I get things done is to challenge myself to do them, and possibly offer myself an award at the end. One thing I’ve been meaning to do is listen to my iTunes library beginning to end. I have SO much music because I buy stuff on a whimsy because it seems like I’d like it because of the genre, or someones recommendation. There are 6007 items, 16.4 days, and 42.99GB of music to go through. Starting about five minutes ago. I have no idea how long this is going to take (I’m not sitting here listening for 16.4 days). but I will keep you updated. So far today, Ah-ha and now on AFI.

Another challenge I decided to set for myself, and this one is much more important, is to get to the gym at LEAST five days a week. I’ve been going since May, working with a trainer once a week. I’ve not made the progress I really should have. I’ve got to take this more seriously, so I am. If I go at least five days a week through the beginning of December, I’m going to treat myself to a facial.

You heard it here folks, five days a week. Can I do it?

Day 23- Something that makes you feel better

I suppose it really depends on the amount of stress I’m feeling. Earlier this afternoon I was pretty upset, not the kind of upset that a piece of cake or some delicious chocolate would fix. I was close to tears and about as tense as I could get. I went to the gym and worked it out on the elliptical and felt much better.  I suppose that would help with general levels of anxiety. Maybe even going would help hold off some of that general anxiety. Something to think about.

Other little things that make me feel better, I mentioned cake and chocolate, my cat when she feels snuggly always helps me relax and fall asleep. Shopping, which can be a bad bad thing. But even a trip to the store for essentials can be enjoyable. I love getting packages in the mail. I love it when that gorgeous blouse I ordered online arrives, and its just as or more gorgeous than it was online, and then it fits like a dream?  That makes me feel better. New shoes work too. Especially boots. Oh I just LOVE fall clothes! Woah, reign it in cowgirl.

I think its important to have a healthy way to work on stress and make yourself feel better. The gym does that for me.

Day 22- something that upsets you.

Something that upsets me. Hmm. I get upset over little things, but I think I’ll follow the theme of today, which is NOH8, and talk about bullying.

I was bullied in middle school. I wasn’t the “typical” student at my school, not from a rich family, and I hadn’t been going to the school since kindergarten. I was an outsider, and worse than that, I was fully in the ravages of puberty, unlike many of the other girls there. I had zits, no other girl did (seriously, maybe one other girl had a noticeable case, and she got picked on too). My boobs were bigger, and I was very shy and incredibly awkward. I wore baggy clothes (especially tops) every day. I was in hiding because I was embarrassed by my development.

The guys were the worst. They would make fun of my looks. They especially enjoyed play flirting and then laughing if I responded. Then I stopped responding and they still made fun and laughed. The girls picked on me for what I wore, because it wasn’t all Ralph Lauren, Guess, or Laura Ashley. I remember begging my mother for a Liz Claiborne purse just so I would feel a little bit like I fit in. Everyone picked on me because of my taste in music. It was just a free for all!

Everyday when I went home from this place, I just felt torn to pieces. I was very depressed, and did at times think I about taking my own life just so I wouldn’t have to deal with them, with being a “weirdo” teenager. I had other friends back on the base that I spent time with, and I did have some friends at that school (other people who weren’t popular and got picked on). But it still drove me into such a deep hatred towards myself, and made me even more shy.

It took me years to wear clothes that fit, years to be able to smile at a stranger without the fear that they’d make a horrible face. To this day I still worry about my skin. I know, I should have a spine by now, but not for everything. I am still very sensitive about how I look.

I know what I went through probably doesn’t really compare to what some kids go through today. The teenage years can be so difficult to come to terms with in the first place, but then to have people undermine who you are, who you’re becoming? That’s not right. There is NO reason for it except the bullies own insecurities. Its such a hateful thing, a painful thing, and it really upsets me.

NOH8. Ever.

Day 21-your job and/or schooling

Why yes, I have been to school, and I have held a job. I have an AA from Valencia Community College, and I went to Rollins College to work on a Bachelors in English. Never finished that Bachelors. I’ve thought about going back to school, but I haven’t been able to.

Job. Right now? Unfortunately not. I’m wrangled down on the home front with my mom being as ill as she is, and my dad not being much better. I help take care of them and take care of the house, they allow me free rent and a bit of spending money. Is it ideal? Is it where I want to be? No. But when I needed my family most, when I was 18-years-old with a newborn, they were there. Now its my turn to pay it back. Its a circle of life. I’m literally just circling with my life while I watch my parents throw theirs down the tube.