defeat

Last weekend Jon and I went to Lecanto to visit his dad for a St. Patricks day bbq. I know Jon isn’t terribly close to his family, particularly his dad, so since we got the invitation last month, I’ve told him it was completely up to him whether we went or not. Anyways, we went, and it made Jon completely miserable. He said in his own blog that the only reason he went was because it was important to me to “meet the family.” I am a little old fashioned, and being introduced to family does mean something to me. It shows acceptance. But this? I never wanted him to be unhappy. That’s the last thing I want. If I never met his dad because he didn’t want to see him I would have understood. Frankly, I was very nervous around his father, and didn’t quite know what to say. I had an opportunity to have a conversation with him, but I was too afraid and backed out. For the past week I’ve felt like the biggest jerk in the world. Jon says he doesn’t blame me, but its all there, written in black and white, or whatever colors his journal is. It makes me cry now, just thinking about it.

This weekend, as well as Saturday of last weekend, we spent a lot of time outdoors walking. Last weekend was the Winter Park sidewalk art festival. Its held along Park Ave. and the park that sits along side it. The oak pollen has been high lately, and being out a good part of the day breathing that made me wheeze. I think I kept Jon up most of the night because he kept talking to me, concerned about my breathing. I’ve been a little wheezy since. Maybe there is something else wrong, I don’t know, but I felt bad about wheezing so much. Also, every time we walk, I get extreme pain in my calves. Maybe too much laziness has led to muscle atrophy. I just don’t know, but it really sucks. 

I started something called Shakeology. Its a meal replacement shake with a ton of nutrients, antioxidant, adaptogens, etc. I feel like I’m still waiting for its full effect. The first week and a half I was going though detox, and that was rough. I enjoy drinking it. It feels very complete. I’m technically a Beach Body coach so if any of you are interested in their products or programs (Like Insanity or P90X) don’t hesitate to contact me, violetsinblue@gmail.com, and I’ll help you out. I feel like I can be a great coach. I’m very good at supporting people and encouraging them. I’m just not good at doing it for myself. I’ve got two fitness programs and fear of failure has stopped me from starting both of them. I have a good deal of weight to lose, and I know its not going to be easy at my age and fitness level. I wish I had somebody who was gentle and understanding of my fear to help motivate me. Actually I could really use that in several aspects of my life. But I want to get fit. I want to be healthy, I want to get things done. I’m just scared and don’t believe in myself. And when I hurt people I love, it makes me feel worse about myself.

So yeah. I’m having a kind of shit month. Hope yours is better.

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Some changes

February was kind of a rough month. I had a lot of anxiety pretty much every day. I kept myself as busy as possible, did some nice things for myself like getting a haircut, massage, and facial. I’ll be doing those more often.

Jon and I got back together last week. We had a long talk and cleared up some misunderstandings. Turns out he missed me like I missed him. I feel good about it, still a little nervous he’ll change his mind but he says he won’t. I just need a little time to settle again.

I’m at a point where I need to lose weight for my health. I’m going to start a Beachbody program next month and try Shakeology as well. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I’m worried that with my age, metabolism, slow thyroid, and bad back that I’m going to have problems making any progress. I’ve got quite a bit to lose. I’m in a group on facebook that’s all doing the same program together so I should have some support. Maybe that will make a difference.

I think its nap time now.

 

Happy holidays

Ugh I need a shower. Damn House marathon on Oxygen every Thursday.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas. I did. I got a Magic shirt and Cinderella DVD from Zach and the cutest beaded owl sculpture from Jon. Zach got lots of Magic “swag” and a nice set of headphones. I gave Jon a fox t-shirt (he loves foxes) and a set of Star Trek glasses.

I was so happy to have Jon over for Christmas. I know I have Zach, but a lot of the time I feel  alone around the holidays. He’s such a great person and I’m so happy to have him in my life. He was very helpful in the kitchen too! At the end of the night he was snoring quietly next to me while Chloe was laying by my feet. I felt so lucky and so satisfied.

Image

 

Every year I try so hard to make the house feel warm and welcoming, and like the holidays are a special time. It stresses me out. The week before Christmas I was just not feeling like I’d done a good job and pulled myself away from everybody and everything. I think I spent most of the week in bed. It really sucked. I just put too much pressure on myself, I think. I never baked cookies, and that really bothers me.

Not sure what we’ll be doing for New Years Eve. I’ll be spending it with Jon, I know that much. We might get together with a couple of friends and just hang out. Neither one of us is a real wild party person. We’re both very quiet and I think that’s one of the reasons we get along so well. 

 Looking forward to the new year! Hope you are too. I wish you all the best!

hysteria and sleep

I feel like shit. Not going to mince words here. Sorry if you don’t like a potty mouth. After several days of barely sleeping I slept for 18 hours yesterday. That of course meant I couldn’t sleep last night. Along with being tired I’m dizzy and having trouble staying focused. The trouble focusing makes sense but the dizziness, I’m beginning to think my brains are fried. Its probably from my sinuses, as messed up as they’ve been.

I’m pretty much a hysterical, stressed out mess. I’ll start crying out of nowhere, and then I just keep crying. I’ve been keeping myself in the house as much as possible. Not a good way to be dealing with the public. I took my dad to his radiation on Monday, and to see the doctor. He flat out lied and told them he wasn’t smoking. I should have called him out but I was drained, feeling sick, and not really wanting to get smacked in the head later.

I need some sort of normalcy in my life. I need this cancer treatment fiasco (which he’s not even sure he’s going to complete) to be over. I need a time to get up and a time to go to bed. I need set things I do during the day. I need to take complete days where I just leave the house and don’t come back for several hours. I just need everything to change, which is absolutely impossible.

I just feel like I can’t take much more.

one month

Today its been a month since my mother passed. I’ve been pretty upset all day. I’m now realizing than its been longer than normal since I last saw her. Plus my dad is going through and making so many changes and getting rid of so much stuff. I feel like there’s going to be very little of my mom left by the time he’s done. He’s also moving stuff around so that the house feels different. Its a lot to take in.

Add to that the fact that we’re practically broke. Since I’ve been paying the bills while he’s been “too sick” to deal with everyday household functions, it is now my fault that money is so tight. So add that stress on top of just the stress of the day. Plus, he’s started smoking again. The doctor (surgeon, that is) told him on Thursday that he thought there was a good chance of knocking the cancer out with radiation. We haven’t heard from the radiation specialist yet as to what he thinks the odds are now. A couple of months ago he said aggressive radiation had a 20% chance of  knocking it out, and my dad didn’t want to do aggressive radiation. Not very good chances, anyway. It has shrunk more since then but I would be really surprised if he gave it 100% chance. He’s supposed to see the radiology oncologist on Thursday. I’m tempted not to take him with this smoking thing. How fucking stupid can he be? Complain about money and then go out and buy cigarettes, the LAST thing he should be touching?

I just don’t know what to do with myself right now. I feel so horrible about so many things. There are so many things I should be doing instead of sitting here crying, but I can’t bring myself to do anything. I feel like a rotten sore on my families back. I feel useless.

empty

The past few days are a bit of a blur. I’ve actually gotten some sleep, as long as I leave the tv on, but I’m still feeling pretty drained.

Yesterday I made final arrangements for my mom. The price is absolutely insane. She’d chosen cremation, so I didn’t have to pay the entire burial fee at once, and couldn’t do it anyway. However, she can’t be placed until its paid in full. So I can’t really lay her to rest for a while. We won’t be having a funeral either because of cost and lack of family.

Her death notice was in the paper today. Rather surreal. Its not a full obituary, though. I can’t believe how much they charge for those. I can’t believe how much is charged for all of it! I can’t imagine how it would have been had she had a traditional burial. I’m going to pre-pay for mine so all of the cost doesn’t fall on Zach.

I’m feeling sad and lonely these past few days. I expect that will continue for a while.

big changes

My mom is coming home on June 1st. She’s still bed ridden though. We’ll have home health care three times a week, but I don’t know if that’s really going to be enough. We may end up having to hire someone to come out  couple other days of the week. As for getting her to dialysis, that’s going to be tricky. I guess we’ll have to keep using the wheelchair bus service. Getting her in and out of the wheelchair is going to be another adventure on its own.

I’m not really prepared for this, and I admit I’m pretty damn scared by it. She’s going to require more care than I’ve given before, without help at least. I don’t know how much I’m going to be able to count on my father. Zach will help if I need him to but I hate putting that on him.

Speaking of the father, he’s finished chemo. Next he’s supposed to get a CT scan and see the doctor again. Then they’ll decide on radiation, even though its not going to knock the cancer out or anything. Radiation will be a whole other mess with him going (and me taking him) five days out of the week. Such a lot to not really look forward to.

In other news, I got the pool nice and blue, and went for a swim yesterday. It felt really good to get in the water. Yes, I took this picture while I was in the pool. I wouldn’t have had my phone with me but I was waiting for a phone call.

blog neglect

I didn’t realize I haven’t posted here since Saturday. I’ve been tired. I spent most of Monday and all of Tuesday in bed sleeping. Everything caught up with me again. I couldn’t sleep Sunday night, so that was part of the problem. I could go for a nap right about now, actually. Obviously if I’ve been sleeping, I haven’t done anything. I’m not even sure why I’m writing this blog post. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of life in general.

I have no idea what is going to happen to my mom when her days are up. The Medicaid application needs information I don’t know. I called the lady at the business office of the nursing home to see if she could help me out but I haven’t heard back. She’ll probably call tomorrow when I’m with my dad for chemo. Tomorrow should be the last day of that. He’s supposed to see his doctor too, hopefully he won’t decide to add more on. Then he sees the surgeon next week. Not sure what will become of that.

Wish I had something exciting to write about, but so goes life. Just checking in.

A night to remember

I’ve been watching coverage of Osama Bin Laden’s death for the past couple of hours. They have finally switched to local news. I found out when I settled down on my bed to watch the 11:00 news. I was pretty shocked by it. It seemed like we would never get the guy, but I’m glad we did. I’m glad this earth can be rid of his evil. But where there’s one, there’s another I’m sure. Hopefully our intelligence will be able to stop any retaliation for his death.

I guess this is one of those things that I’ll remember where I was when it happened. I remember where I was when Reagan was shot (sick and lying in the living room), when I found out about the Challenger (in the lunch room, fifth grade), 9/11 (I actually slept late and my mom told me when I got up). I suppose there are other things I should remember where I was when they happened, or how I found out. I think I found out about Sadam Hussein on the internet.

Zach went to see Tim McGraw tonight (and forgot to bring him home with him) so I was solo for dinner. I went to Smokey Bones, which is typical. I ended up talking to an older gentleman at the bar. His philosophy on life is to do what you enjoy, and not be afraid to laugh at yourself. I like that. I wish I could be that carefree. It was nice talking to him. Then he invited me to his apartment to watch a movie and have a drink. You’re cool, dude, but I don’t think so. What is it with me and older men? They’ve always gravitated towards me. And I don’t mean reasonably older men, I mean older like close to my parents age. Something about me must scream daddy issues I guess.

I really should go to sleep, but I’m pretty wired.

Saturday is alright for movies

Yes, today I am sitting on my butt in bed, still in my pajamas, watching Last Holiday. Tonight I’m going to try to watch Deathly Hallows. Haven’t seen it yet. Whatever the movie, its an escape from reality for a little while.

My mom got out of the hospital and back to the nursing home on Thursday. Friday they sent her back to the hospital because for some inexplicable reason, her fistula started to bleed and they couldn’t get it to stop. I have no idea why that happened. She’s resting now after having dialysis. She’s so exhausted. I don’t know how much more she can take, and that worries me.

My car is fixed and maintained. Its good to get it out of the way. I still need a new motor mount because one is cracked, but apparently its not a major crack and will wait to be fixed. Its nice to have the AC again considering how warm its getting. The pool definitely needs another algae treatment, so I need to get around to that. I’m not sure I’m getting the filter backwashed enough and maybe the algae is hanging around in there. I wish I knew. Guess I’ll just keep trying and asking for advice at the pool store.

I watched the Royal wedding yesterday. I was awake long enough for the ceremony and then passed out again. It was a lovely, long ceremony. I thought Kate’s dress was very demure and appropriate, but young at the same time. Timeless. That’s the word I’m looking for.

Time for The Other Boylen Girl.