Girls chase boys chase girls chase boys

My brain is currently hung up on this thingy I saw on Facebook (I KNOW I KNOW).

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My first thought was “Um, seriously? What the fuck?” The person who posted it agreed with it. There was some disagreement in the comments saying a relationship is when two people work together, and then it went into religion and I got distracted by a cookie or squirrel or something because, well, lets not talk about my hang-ups with religion shall we? (After doing a bit of googling, I’m fairly convinced this comes from some Christian guide for women)

Then I thought, “Maybe its right, though. Is it more natural for men to pursue women?” which is obviously problematic thinking. Women should feel free to pursue men, and vice versa. This paints a picture of men being predators and women being prey, and that’s REALLY wrong, especially when you look at the news lately (hey, #metoo) and if you look at it with any sort of rational adult thought. When you look at it from a rational human perspective, its easy to fix what’s wrong with it; just take out “man/men/him/he” and “woman/women/her/she” and replace it with “person/people.” Also, remove the line about “not that into you.” Actually, I take that back. Delete the whole damn thing. Boom, edited.

What this breaks down to for me is the realization of exactly how insecure I am about dating or liking people. Its hard to tell them because rejection sucks, but I think everyone feels that. I apparently needed to write this to figure that out, and to indulge my inner armchair feminist. We can’t keep telling our girls to act a certain way to get what they want. They need to be encouraged to be themselves. Boys ,too. People should love you for who you are, not who you think they want you to be. Then again, I could be wrong. I am still single, after all.

 

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Sofa King Awkward

Take my social life. Please. Because I’m not doing a very good job with it.

I’ve kept myself pretty isolated for a while. Most of my face to face interactions are with my son. Sure, I twitter and I have friends that I text with, but I rarely get out and meet people and talk to them in person. I decided maybe it was time to change that this year, and now I remember why I was isolating myself; because I’m a total fucking train wreck.

I am an introvert, but that shouldn’t mean I don’t know how to interact with people. I mean, I know how, but afterwards I spend so much time second guessing the things I say and do. I feel like I tell people things I shouldn’t be saying and they’ll think I’m insane, which, honestly, I kind of am. Not dangerous insane, just off my rocker insane. Add to that the fact that socializing often involves alcohol and then I really really really hate myself the next day. Even if its just text messages or twitter, I feel like I come off like a complete needy jackass.

Then add in the fact that I have a very empathetic personality (INFJ in the house). I see people struggling, upset, not feeling well, and I just want to help. I want to fix it all and make it better. Even with people (and animals) I don’t know. I tell people I want to help, I give unsolicited advice, I ask people to let me know what I can do, but then I think, “well that was pushy of me. Why did I do that? Now this person will not want to talk to me anymore.” I mean well, I really do, but I think I come off all wrong in trying to express it.

So when I do these things, when I feel like I overshared, or I pushed too hard with the caring, and then I don’t hear from someone for a while, it just emphasizes that feeling of not being good enough that I’m already struggling with. That feeling that I’m not worthy of anyones time or attention. And I get that people are busy, and most of them have other people in their lives and jobs, but I still doubt myself to the point that my brain goes on this loop of things I feel I did wrong, and how I’ve alienated everyone, and I end up with massive anxiety. I don’t tell people that I’m feeling or thinking these things because I don’t want them to think I blame them for the messed up things my brain tells me.

I give compliments and then immediately wonder if they’re out of line. Then I wonder if I should let the person know I meant what I said in the nicest way, but I know I should just back the fuck off. But backing off is hard when you’re already feeling pretty lonely and bad enough about yourself and can’t stand the idea of someone hating you because you were trying to be nice. How much does that idea suck? Oh, and don’t even get me started on my bizarre sense of humor, because that’s another entire dissertation.

It’s a really vicious cycle that I throw myself into. I think I need to move somewhere far away from everyone, or at least get a certificate saying I’m an official train wreck that I can show to people when I meet them so they don’t have to wonder “what the fuck is her deal?”

Dog days making me bitch

I know its summer and that the heat is getting to me when I find myself on Pinterest looking at Halloween stuff. Lots of nice pumpkin carving ideas! I’ve complained about summer and how much I dislike it before, and will continue to do so, because it really just throws me off. Some people get depressed in the winter, I get depressed in the summer.

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these lazy bitches

This month started out with highs around 100 degrees, and heat indexes exceeding that, and it just stayed that way for a couple of weeks. We didn’t get many of those merciful rain showers that cool things down at the end of the day either. We’ve had the kind of weather that makes the weather folks on tv tell you to stay inside if you can. So I’ve been doing that, pretty much. Summer makes me more lazy than usual, and considering how lazy I already am, this is not good.

But with the laziness has come this mental restlessness. Maybe its because I’m craving a change in weather, but I also want a change of scenery. I’m tired of just about everything around me. I’m tired of my clothes, my hair, I’m tired of the color on the walls, no food sounds good, I don’t even like the words I’m writing (evidenced by the fact that I started this blog post at the beginning of the month). Everything just stagnates in the summer. Sure, there’s Pokemon to catch, but that requires leaving the house, and who wants to do that? This place has air conditioning and fans and doesn’t feel so damn dank like the outdoors.

Yes, I’m bitching. I’m just tired. I’m not sleeping well. I’m back to sleeping four or five hours a night and trying to get a nap in at some point in the late morning. There have been days, though, where that nap doesn’t happen. This pattern repeats over and over until I drop for 12 hours one night, only to go back to too little sleep the next night. Lather, rinse, repeat. Getting some exercise would probably help. You know things are desperate when I actually miss my gym membership. Sure I could go for walks but see aforementioned thoughts on weather, or I could do stuff at home like yoga or whatever, but did I mention I’m freaking exhausted, and tired of looking at everything? The spiral never-ending, it seems.

I’m going to stop one never-ending spiral right now though, and end this post. Then I’m going to hit publish. Then I’m going to stretch out like those lazy cats and take a nap.

 

 

 

Girls are stupid and lazy

I’m about ready to quit the world. Definitely ready for a Facebook break, because:

  1. I saw an article on Facebook today about some woman who was upset that she was asked to cover up in a coffee shop because she as wearing a sports bra and pants, but no shirt. She’s a personal trainer, you see, and this is what she wears to work every day, so why not wear it to the coffee shop where other people go in their work attire?
  2. Some girl who works at at JC Penny got sent home for wearing short shorts, a sleeveless shirt, and barely there sandals, and didn’t “understand” why she couldn’t wear that to work because the outfit wasn’t provocative.

This has nothing to do with equal rights, either. This has to do with having some sense of decency, modesty, and caring about how you present yourself in public.

The girl in the sports bra for instance. Yes, I know sports bras come in many pretty colors and patterns, and for a lot of women, its the only top they wear when working out. Key words though–WORKING OUT. Personally, I don’t wear sports bras as tops, not even when I’m working out home alone, because I don’t feel dressed in a sports bra (also, I have boobs), so my opinion might be a little skewed by that. Whether a woman wears something over her sports bra is personal choice these days, but just because they’re ok when you’re jogging, doing yoga, or you’re in the gym, it doesn’t mean its ok to wear them everywhere! Its still a BRA to many people. A guy wouldn’t be served if he came in without a shirt, and a woman in a sports bra is not a woman in a shirt. And seriously, if you’re fit enough to be a personal trainer, it shouldn’t be a strain for you to throw a t-shirt on over your sports bra before you go for coffee. “I didn’t have anything to put on” is a lazy excuse. I think part of this is coming from this bullshit “athlesiure” movement. There’s a time and a place for things, and workout wear is not what you wear to a restaurant. Would you wear a ball gown to the grocery store? I doubt it.

I think it was last month the JC Penney girl popped up. The shorts she’s wearing in the picture are SHORT, I think we can agree. If I’d walked into the store, I never would have guessed she worked there. She looked like she belonged at a picnic, or possibly running a ride at an amusement park, not working in a department store! Look around at your fellow employees–are they dressing that way? I doubt it. Do you walk into other JC Penneys and see employees dressed like this? I doubt it. I know, she says wasn’t “informed” that shorts weren’t part of the dress code. Another lazy excuse. Use your head, girl! She up and QUIT because of that, and posted to twitter about it looking for support? Seriously? I went to a first day on a job wearing a skirt and opened toed shoes. I was politely informed of the dress code that day. Turns out opened toed shoes were only acceptable with pants, and panty hose (ugh) and closed-toed shoes had to be worn with skirts and dresses. Did I feel body shamed? No. Did I get offended and quit? No, because I’m an adult and understand that there are rules! If I’d known before I went to work that day, I would have followed the dress code!

I’ve learned of both of these stories through social media, and I’ve seen headlines for both that have claimed these events sparked “internet outrage.” What’s outrageous is the fact that this is getting press as “body shaming” or not treating women equally. What the outrage should be over is the lack of common sense, and, I’ll say it, decency. I know there are a lot of girls complaining about dress codes at schools “body shaming” them and that boys shouldn’t be distracted by legs, and equal rights and treatment, blah blah. Sorry, lazy excuses. Equal rights is not getting away with whatever the hell you want. Boys have to cover their underwear and wear pants that are a certain length, so if you want to be treated equally, you should have to cover your underwear and wear shorts that are a certain length! You’re still a kid, by the way, and should be listening to the adults. Learning to follow rules now will help you when you’re a grown up. Also, when I was in middle school, our shorts had to be TO THE KNEE and you’re bitching because you can’t wear something that hits above mid thigh? Shut the fuck up!

I’m getting old and grumpy, I suppose. This kind of shit would not have flown when I was a teenager. Hell, sports bra coffee shop woman is 35. I don’t think that would have happened five years ago, even, or at least the news wouldn’t have broadcast it. Woman didn’t walk around in sports bras and leggings, calling it “athleisure.” Its not “athlesiure” its “lazy.” When I was younger, the only “athleisure” you saw was old women in track suits walking around the mall. I don’t wear yoga pants out and about to get tea or to run to the store. I don’t think that’s what they’re for. Its the same reason I wouldn’t wear jeans to a wedding. I also didn’t raise a girl, so I didn’t run into these problems. Zach never gave me trouble about wanting to wear his shorts so his butt hung out. I was guess I was lucky.

I’m in a bad mood. My neck and shoulder are tweaked, and the weather sucks. Venting has helped a tiny bit. Oh, while I’m at it, I guess I might as well say it–GET OFF MY LAWN!

Opinions (are like assholes) and checking your facts

**This blog contains opinions that are bound to piss someone off ! Reader beware!**

I was starting this as a Facebook post, but decided I could probably write a decent blog about these subjects.

There’s been a lot of coverage of the death (murder?) of Cecil the Lion over the past couple of days. Jimmy Kimmel said some things about it that resonated with me. I got a bit teary eyed, too.

My opinion (or asshole) is like Jimmys’. Hunting for sport is morally repugnant. If you’re going out to kill an animal because you want to hang its head on the wall, or want to make a rug out of it, or just want to post pictures and brag? You’re a sick human being. If you pay large sums of money to do so, you’re even more disturbed in my opinion. If you have that much money laying around just waiting to be spent on something, there are a hell of a lot of charities out there that would welcome it, do good with it. Concerned about how those charities are spending your money? Check out Charity Navigator or Charity Watch. They are independently run sites that provide you with a breakdown of how charities are spending your money.

Got a bit off track-back to hunting. If you have to hunt to eat, that’s the way it is. If you hang its head on the wall too? I don’t know what to say about that. I find it a bit disturbing. The glazed over eyes–which reminds me, the episode of Criminal Minds with the taxidermist? He’d taken over the business from his dad when he died, and everyone always commented on what a great job his father did with the eyes. In his grief and delusion, and desire to put out a product that was as good as his fathers, the guy started killing people and putting their eyes in the animals. Yeah, disturbing, and totally off topic again!

Everyone has different morals and values, which lead to different opinions. That’s a fact of life. Do I eat meat? Currently I do. Have I been considering going vegetarian or vegan? I have, actually. Will I? I don’t know. Most of my diet is plant based these days because that’s what makes me feel best, so it could happen. Want to call me a hypocrite because I’m still eating meat, or wear leather but criticize hunting? You’re prerogative.

Gun control is a big issue these days, too. There have been an awful lot of senseless murders with guns. I’m not a fan of guns. That said, there are three in this house–two that are antiques that belonged to my grandfather and haven’t been fired in who knows how long (I don’t even know why he owned them), and one that belongs to my roommate. Am I happy they are in the house? No. We’re all adults here, so I’m not worried about anyone getting a gun out to “play” with it and hurting themselves or someone else. However, because I dislike, and honestly fear guns, when Jon was loading and/or unloading his gun last night, I got nervous. I don’t know what he was doing or why, but I started to feel panicked just because of the sound (yes, I’ve had a bad experience with a gun in the past that most definitely fuels how I feel about guns.I’ve thought about shooting one at a range to see if it changes how I feel about them, gives me a better sense of their power and how it can be controlled, but it hasn’t happened because, frankly, I don’t want to spend the money because I’m scared of guns). Do I believe people have the right to own guns? Yeah. Sure. Do I understand why someone would want to own a gun? Not entirely. Do I think that everyone that owns a guy wants to kill people? No. Do I believe everyone that owns a guy is paranoid? Not all, just some. Do I have a clear idea of what should be done to stop the senseless crimes and not infringe on rights? Hell no. I’m going to let Jim Jefferies do the talking here, because I think he says some things that are very true. (Yes, he’s a comedian, and this is a little long but totally worth watching)

Where is all of this going, and what does it have to do with checking your facts? I see a lot of political posts on Facebook where people post something from a very left or right wing website. One of the most recent ones I’ve seen popping up is “Obama wants to wipe out the second amendment and take away our guns!” Uh, no. That’s not true. There’s are some great, non biased websites you can go to to find out if something is true or not, like politifact.com or factcheck.org. Hell, go to Snopes!  Check your facts, people! There is power in being informed!

I’m not saying these left or right wing sites are always wrong. A friend posted a graphic from The Other 98% that broke down Planned Parenthoods services. It was right on target (though the breakdown is six years old, it seems to be the most recent). Another that was not related to politics were the posts about Caitlyn Jenner getting that ESPN courage award, saying that some combat wounded veteran came in second place? There was no such thing as a runner up. Lots of people had an opinion on who should have won the award, and that’s their right! Hell, I think Rafa Nadal should have won it because he’s been gracious on and off the court through whats been a very difficult season. Or Tony Stewart should have won it because he’s an awesome person who is passionate about what he does, and he periscopes toads and raccoons. So there. (I’m probably going to get a whole lot of shit for bringing up Tony Stewart, aren’t I?)

I like the old saying “opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.” If you don’t have an opinion, you should! But opinions don’t always equal facts, and I think everyone needs to keep that in mind. I know a lot of people hate Obama, but that doesn’t mean every article that says he’s trying to take away our rights or put the southwest under martial law (don’t EVEN get me started on Jade Helm!!) is true. No. The same goes for articles that support Obama. Do I like Obama? Yes. Did I vote for him? Yes. Did I vote for him because he’s a Democrat? No, I like his spirit and ideas. Do I think he’s done everything right? No. Do I identify more with Democratic platforms than I do Republicans? Yes. Do I like or would I/did I vote for Donald Trump or Rick Scott? No. Is it because they’re Republicans? No, its because their actions and words don’t align with my beliefs and values, and frankly, I find them to be giant douchecanoes. Does that mean everyone should think they are giant douchecanoes? Yes No. If you like them, fine. Do I think everyone should like Obama because I do? No. You have a right to dislike him and his politics. Do I think politics and government are serving us in the best way? No. Do I even like talking about politics? NO! I wrote a paper in my Freshman Comp class titled “I Hate Politics,” so I’m getting off this train now.

If you want to learn more about Cecil the Lion and conservation efforts, visit The Wildlife Conservation Unit, run by Oxford University. I think reverence for these amazing creatures is important. I think we should be a little more gentle with our environment and its species, human, plant and animal. Is that opinion? Yes, yes it is.

Carry on, my wayward readers. Also, don’t forget to hunker down on Friday–full blue moon in Aquarius is a sure sign of insanity, and its GISHWHES Eve! More on that to come.

Rage, anger, and swearing

This week has been fucktastic. Fucktacularly fucked. A fucking nightmare, if you get what I’m saying,

I found out that since I am not a beneficiary on my dads life insurance policy, I have to go through legal channels to get the money. My moms estate was never settled thanks to my dads reluctance, neither one of them left a will, I’m basically fucked, because I was going to use the life insurance money to settle the estates. Now I may have to hire an attorney even though I probably can’t afford a retainer. I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I half expect them to come throw us out of the house because we don’t own it. I don’t know if I can sell furniture that I wanted to sell because its probably property of the estates.

Then there’s Baldwin Fairchild/Dignity. Please, do NOT EVER use them. For anything. I beg you. When my mom passed, I set up prepaid for my dad, and that was paid in full a few months ago. I thought I set up to pay for cremation, an urn, and placement. Apparently, only cremation was covered. I had to pay for death certificates and cremation license, no biggie. However, the death certificates contain incorrect information and its going to take at least six weeks to get new ones. Great.

When I picked up the death certificates, I inquired about my fathers remains. The lady told me to call the cemetery to make sure he hadn’t “slipped through the cracks.” What does that even mean? I call there, they know nothing, I call the funeral director. Two hours later I still hadn’t heard back so I called again. Apparently the ashes are at the cemetery. I’m not entirely convinced they didn’t have to scramble to find them.

So, since I didn’t have an urn in that deal, I thought I was going to have to buy one. However, there was a problem–the niche for two? Well, there was a problem with space for the second urn. They had to do some hunting to find one that would fit. Luckily, I guess, they found one, and they are not going to charge me for it. However, if I want to place him in the niche, which means removing four screws, removing the small marble plate, placing the urn inside, and replacing the plate and screws, is going to cost $685. Up front. No financing available. What the actual FUCK is that? I can’t pay that, so I’m not going to.

At this point, I don’t know what I’m going to do with him. I go to the cemetery Monday morning to fill out paperwork and make a decision. My heart is telling me to finance a new plaque for the niche and leave my mom in their alone, even though it would cost a lot more than $685. As for my dad, maybe we could stash him in the garage. I do recall when I was pregnant he did say “You get bored with everything and stash it in the garage. You’ll do the same with that baby.” Well, I’m not exactly bored with him. More like LIVID. Perhaps the trash is a better option?

Rest in peace, fucker.

Bad year already

Jon broke up with me last night. Apparently he’s wanted to for a while but has just been carrying me around as a burden instead. I can’t believe I was so stupid I didn’t see that. I really thought things were going well. I had no idea he felt that way. He says he still cares and wants to be my friend. I’m just shocked I was so stupid.

For six years I kept up a wall. I was all alone and I was fine with that. Then Hannah introduced me to Jon and things moved along. I eventually let that wall down and let him in. I had feelings and I thought they were being returned. I made such a big deal to include him in the holidays because he was important to me and I wanted him to feel like he belonged somewhere. He introduced me to his family and I thought that was a big step. All along he had his doubts.

I wish I knew exactly where I went wrong. He says I didn’t, but it had to be something. I was too fearful. I wasn’t outgoing enough. I didn’t make big changes in my life. I’m just not good enough how I am.

So the wall goes back up. All the things I was looking forward to doing with him have gone out the window. I’m far to fearful to go on trips on my own. I was especially looking forward to my birthday this Saturday but it will just be another one spent alone.

I hate 2013.

ho hum

I promised to be easy on myself with the resolutions. If I didn’t get settled into them right away, its no big deal. Well, we’re 11 days into the new year and I’m not getting much of anywhere. I’m still eating poorly, or not really eating much at all is more like it. Haven’t been to the gym yet. Haven’t even been on my bike lately. I’ve just been tired.

I did get the Christmas decorations put away. My dad was betting I wouldn’t do it until February, because he’s a nice guy like that. I still need to clean the house though. I do a little at a time and then my back starts to hurt so I have to take a break. It really doesn’t help much with the motivation to get things done.

I’ve been kind of moody lately with all of the above and some other stuff. Some of it is hormonal I’m sure. Jon just started school to go along with working full time.  He’s stressed out, and that stresses me out. Last night I could just feel the stress coming off of him. That fed into mine and made me such a mess that all I could do was cry when I got home. I’m so worried about him. I just want him to be happy and I know there’s not much I can do to help. I also found out that he doesn’t feel comfortable at my house and I don’t know exactly what to do to fix that. It hurt so much to hear that he’s not comfortable here. Part of it is my dad, but there’s not much I can do about that.

Now I’ve got myself all teary and worked up. There’s just so much going on in my mind and I’m worried about so many people. One of my friends broke up with her fiancé but is still living with him because she has no job and a pain condition that is keeping her from working. She has nowhere to go so she’s just stuck there. I know its hard on her and that makes me feel bad. She also recently lost her kitten. He wandered off and never came home. Another friend is having to have his old dog put down, which makes me sad. Every time I hear about one of my friends having a crisis I take all of those feelings to heart and end up dealing with them like they’re my own.

I suppose I should go try to eat some dinner. Maybe food in my tummy will make me feel better.

 

Monday Monday

My dad had a doctors appointment this morning. Apparently its not a problem that he missed his chemo appointment on Friday. The medicine he’s getting now is not considered a chemo med, its just some sort of blocker. In two weeks the doctor will decide if his last two treatments will be full chemo and not just this erbitux he’s getting now. He sees the surgeon on Thursday so I guess we may find out if surgery for the hole in his throat is still a possibility.

The rehab/nursing home called me today to see if my mom would be coming back there when she’s released from the hospital. I don’t know what else we can do. She still needs some rehab. I understand that they’re concerned because she’s been in the hospital so much, but its not been their fault. The social worker also said that if she’s going to be DNR, she needs to have a legal one before she goes back. Lovely thought, right?

The power company sent us a letter stating that since the account is technically in the name of an estate, it had to be changed to the name of the homeowner, so that $645 to change the name had to be spent. They were “nice” enough to split it into two payments. I still think its ridiculous. I shouldn’t have called, I guess. I shouldn’t have been honest. I should have pretended to be my dead grandmother I guess. Honesty hits you financially. The world is not a fair place.

So suffice it to say I’m not in a great mood. I cancelled my gym appointment with my trainer because I just couldn’t imagine doing it. I feel like there is something inside me that needs to be centered, and I need to focus on figuring that out. I should be able to exercise through it, but I just feel stretched so thin that one less thing to do was a nice idea. I mean, I feel like I have too many things to do and I can’t get them done, and I get exhausted before I even try to do anything. Then I get upset with myself for not doing stuff. I feel like I’m in a no win situation. I need to find someone to talk things through with, maybe. A therapist? We all know I could use one.

150

This is my 150th blog post. Huzzah!

So its Tuesday, and I’ve had my fill of frustration. I was finding out what it takes to transfer the name on utilities. The power company wants a $645 deposit ON AN ACTIVE ACCOUNT just to change the name of the person its billed to. Unfuckingbelievable. I mean, really. Going from my deceased grandmothers name to my mothers name. Six-hundred and forty five dollars. To get them to change from direct account billing to sending us a bill I have to fax crap that says my mother is the executor of the estate. Too many hoops to jump through if you ask me. I haven’t even tried the phone, water, waste or cable yet. If you’re wondering why the utilities are still in the name of someone who has died, its because my mother didn’t see any reason to change them. In some cases I guess it doesn’t make a difference, though.

I was lamenting the fact that I finished a bottle of wine I really like the label on. Apparently there are ways to remove the label for keeping. Most interesting.  Wish I’d though of that with my last bottle of wine. I admit, the label does effect my wine purchase, along with cost and type of wine. This is my latest. Please excuse the mess behind it.

I love the colors, and the way it looks like images collected by a traveler. It was a good wine, too. I’ve only recently decided to broaden my horizons beyond Muscato and Riesling. Last wine I tried was a Granache from Spain. I’m not really into red wine because of the tannins, but I tried it and kinda liked it. I would buy it again if I were in the mood. The only thing I need to do is keep my wine drinking in check, and not drink too much or I could run into problems again. That addiction runs in the family and its a bitch to fight with.

I wish I could say that I had a very productive weekend and started the week off with a bang, but I can’t, really. I did the gym yesterday. I was going to go today but I was too frustrated and headachy (probably would have been good reasons to go). Tomorrow I get “pampered” to an extent. I’m getting my hurr did. Going to try to go back to blonde, which is my natural color, and get a trim. Yay! No more split ends!

What did you do with your weekend?