Well, been a long time, hasn’t it? I’ve done a lot. Went to a Supernatural convention, meant to write about that. Started fostering kittens, meant to write about that. These events were always followed by “Hey, I should write about this.” Should is such a terrible word. Yes, it tells you when something needs to be done, but there’s not an absolute deadline with it, so you can just kind of waffle in the realm of “should” for as long as you want. That spits you out into the “should have” zone which dog legs right into “regret” where the toll is your will to do the thing you “should” have done.
But I’m here now. I’m in a place where I am ready to let go of the past to make room for the future. A lot of that letting go is going to be of objects that belonged to family members, or in some cases, to me. Things I’ve been holding on to because I felt they kept certain feelings and memories alive. I’ve often felt that it would be disrespectful of someones memory to let go of things. However, time has passed, and with that I was clubbed in the head with the “but what do YOU want” stick. What I want is not in these items. But these items do hold strong memories for me, good or bad. So I’m going to share them here, creating a kind of keepsake album on the internet. Because the internet is eternal, yes?
My dads coffee mug. I don’t remember exactly when I gave it to him, except I believe I was under the age of 10. I have a vague memory of getting it at some sort of pop up holiday shop where kids could go and shop for things for their parents. I could be mixing it up with something else, though. Where it came from is cloudy. The one thing I do remember about this mug was my dad used it every day until the end of his life. My mom would point to it as a way to that my dad showed his love. “See. He always uses the mug you gave him because he loves his little girl.” Was she right? I don’t know. Was it just that the mug was a convenient size and always there? I kind of think that was more likely. But every time we moved, the mug went with him on the trip. Maybe I’m not giving myself credit, or really giving my dad credit, for the impact I had on his life. It was a rough relationship. I never felt close to him. I never felt like his little girl. I didn’t have the bond with my dad a lot of other girls my age had. But that mug made it through the journey, used and unbroken.
I guess in some ways, I AM the mug.
I’ve been holding on to it as a last “good memory” of my dad. Its been sitting on the top shelf of the kitchen cabinet, unused and only occasionally glanced at. I think its time for that mug to move on and find a new dad to serve.
So yeah, I went to see Ed Sheehan last week, and it was AWESOME. I know there’s a lot of hate associated with him, I’m guessing because he’s successful and people like to hate successful people, because otherwise I’m not sure what there is to not like. The guy is talented. Full stop.
He didn’t have a band. He didn’t have a huge stage set up with lots of props, aside from the video screens. It was just him, his guitars, and a loop station. He sounds just as good live as he does on his albums. It was a great experience. I’ve been to a lot of different kinds of shows, I’ve seen “really popular” performers, have been to big stadium and arena shows, but this one goes up there just in terms of the musical performance. He didn’t need a lot of flash and bang to make it a good show.
When he was talking to the audience at one point, he said concerts are one place where people come together for a common interest. Sporting events are similar, but there are two sides, but at a concert, everyone is there to see the same performance, all rooting for a good show. It’s a rare moment of togetherness with strangers that we don’t get too often.
I really wish I had better words, but I’ll just let him sing for himself.
I’m so ready for it not to be summer. Won’t happen until October though. Ugh, I hate Florida sometimes. The heat keeps me inside. Haven’t been geocaching in over a month. I’m not going to get to my goal of 100 caches by the end of the year at this rate. I have a pool which would be great to get into, but I don’t like to be that exposed to the daytime sun. Its no wonder I’m depressed. I think its like seasonal affective disorder, only I get it in the summer.
Sunday Jon and I went to the Florida Aquarium in Tampa. I bought a Groupon that got us both in for basically the price of one. Its a good thing too because it was just kind of mediocre. I was expecting vast tanks with lots of beautiful fish but it wasn’t really like that at all. A lot of the space was dedicated to Florida wetlands, which is nice. There were ducks and other water birds that were nice to see, but most freshwater fish are kind of boring to look at. They did have a few penguins though. That made me happy. In honor of shark week I’m sharing this picture of a couple of lovelies that were in one of the bigger tanks, the kind I wish there were more of. There was also one tank with a mermaid, but we got there just as she was leaving. I would have liked to have seen that. What a fun job that must be. They had a dolphin cruise available too, but at $16 Jon didn’t want to do it.
Afterwards we went to Tampa Bay Brewing Company in Ybor City. Their beer is good but their food is just not that great. We had a perogies appetizer and it was so bland. We ended up getting pizza at some place that had no air conditioning. On a 90+ degree day, it was not pleasant.
I continue to not get up and exercise, and I eat very little throughout the course of the day because I just don’t have an appetite. I’m afraid to get on a scale. I was getting nicely toned when I was working out but I can see that fading away, which is discouraging. I just am not that motivated with the program I’m doing. I’ve only got two weeks to complete the six weeks, but the same boring workout every day is just not working for me. I’ve got a new program that’s a pretty intense cardio program, I just haven’t had the nerve to try it yet.
Jon hasn’t stayed the night the last couple of nights. For a while there he was here pretty much every night. I’ve needed the space and he has apparently too. My mood is making things hard for me, and for him I’m sure. Its a shame too because he is finally on a school break when things should be more relaxed and we could spend more quality time together. Soon enough the fall semester will start and he’ll be stressed by school again.
If I could just get out of this funk I think things would be better. I’ve been doing this 30-day goal setting/personal organization program and I’m following along every day, I’m just not following through. I don’t take any time for hobbies anymore, I’m completely off the schedule I had myself on. I just feel worthless, to be honest, and that’s not a good feeling. I just need to find myself.
Well, so much for dropping a jean size in a month, I worked out four days in a row, was feeling really good and strong. Then I decided to make Saturday my rest day, then Sunday became a rest day too, and then I was just so discouraged with myself that I haven’t done anything but some walking. I also started an 8 weeks to clean eating group and found out I’m not taking in enough calories. Its a struggle to get them all in because my schedule is so screwed up. I’m sleeping 12 hours on average, leaving my up for only 12 hours, and I’m not sure why. I set an alarm to get up earlier but I just end up turning it off. I’ve got to find a way to turn things around or I’m not going to get anywhere and I’m certainly not going to get my list of stuff to do done.
On April 6th, Jon and I went to the Albin Polasek museum and garden. We spent most of our time in the garden wandering around and taking pictures. It was a beautiful day, with the wind blowing off of the lake just perfectly. The gardens are so lovely, they even had Hollyhocks which I adore. There are many sculptures around the gardens too. It would be nice to go back and see what’s blooming in the summer.
Been doing a bit of geocaching this month. I almost went out to look for a cache on my own today but its one Jon and I have looked for together and not found, so I feel like I should wait and find it with him. We went searching for a multi-cache the other night. We had to go to one location to get a number to find the coordinates for the second location, same thing at the second location, and then finally we had the coordinates for the cache. We found it, but couldn’t reach it! I was frustrated. I guess I need to learn a little more patience.
Zach just finished his second year of college. Unfortunately due to dropped classes and one failure, he’s a semester behind. I would have liked him to take a summer class but he didn’t want to. I hope he doesn’t think he’s going to goof off all summer. I have plans for him. He’s going to be thrilled.
Its the beginning of the year. Time for that fresh start feeling. Also, getting close to that birthday feeling. Zach will be 20 this month. Its so hard to believe! Lets not talk about how old I’m going to be.
My resolution this year is to be healthy. Its long overdue, and the longer I wait to make good habits into habits, the harder its going to be. I’m not off to a great start. I haven’t been eating too great and I haven’t been to the gym yet, but its only the 4th so I’m going to cut myself some slack. Jon and I belong to the same gym and he mentioned going next week. A workout buddy would be a good thing. I still have some sessions with my trainer too as soon as he comes back from a family emergency.
New Years Eve was fun. There were only six of us so it wasn’t overwhelming. I did burn the hell out of my mouth on spinach artichoke dip, but that’s because I wasn’t thinking when I popped it straight from heating in the oven into my mouth. Duh. My mouth is still sore and its making eating difficult. Jon wanted to go to a sushi place tonight but I love spicy tuna rolls, and I’m not sure my mouth can handle it [insert sad face].
I still need to take down Christmas decorations. I guess I’ll be working on that this weekend. I need to seriously deep clean the house too. I think I’m going to buy a new carpet cleaner because ours is so old and it just doesn’t work that well. It leaves the carpets soggy for hours on end. The newer ones have a heat dry system in them.
Zach goes back to school on Monday so life will be back on something of a schedule. I need to get my sleeping hours straightened out again. I woke up early today but then I got a migraine so I took a nap. I’ve been having a real problem with headaches lately. I wonder if I’m taking too much headache medicine and getting rebound headaches from it. I think some of it is stress too. You may wonder what I have to stress about but there’s plenty. Trust me.
Happy New Year to all of you! Are you making resolutions, or do you think they’re a joke?
I’ve been neglectful again. I should have posted over a week ago but I just didn’t. I’m always worried about running out of words to make a decent blog.
The last Sunday in September, Zach and I went out to my Uncle James’s house in Longwood. It was a birthday party for him. I haven’t seen him in quite a few years. My Aunts Sue, Judy, and Faye were all there, as were my cousins Beth and Brian, James’s kids. I haven’t seen Beth for over 10 years, and hadn’t seen Brian since I was a child. Zach got to meet some of his second cousins, all girls. The group of them didn’t seem to have much to talk about. We had a nice lunch and caught up a bit with everybody. James is in rigging so he’s built this deck that sits about 30 or 40 feet up.
I took this from up there, looking over his land and the springs that run through it. You have to take a wobbly bridge to get up there. Once you’re up there, you find another ladder that goes up to another deck about ten feet higher. It feels like a treehouse.
It was nice to go out there and see everybody. Nice to just go out and be among people. There’s no family on my mom’s side, so its when my dad’s side gets together that I see anybody. Its silly, Uncle James lives like 20 minutes away but we’ll go years between seeing each other.
I’m slowly getting ready for Halloween. October 1st brought us the first bit of fall weather of the season, which was a nice way to usher in the month. I haven’t decided if I’m going to put up my Halloween tree, or just not mess with it this year. I just don’t feel as excited. My mom liked Halloween, but not as much as Christmas. I’ve always loved Halloween. Not sure what’s gotten into me this year.
Today for me was just another Sunday. Laundry, out to visit mom. She’s doing ok. She said she felt better today. She was also really groggy from benadryl. I’ll take the better though. That’s a good thing.
My sinuses are driving me crazy. I’ve been taking my allegra, but this seems to be immune to it, whatever I have. Maybe its a spring cold. I have been tired, but that’s not unusual. Zach is congested too, which is unusual. He doesn’t have seasonal allergies.
I took a nice picture of my pretty princess kitty.
She’s usually a pretty good subject. I do have one of her nose practically on the lens, too. These were the first pictures I’ve felt like taking for a while. I know I said I was thinking about going to Lake Eola last Friday, and its a good thing I didn’t try because they were having Good Friday services there. Would have been too crowded to park.
I made it to the knitting class yesterday. This is going to be a slow project because the yarn is so thin. I should be working on it while I wait for this iPhone update to download. Its taking forever. Seventy-one minutes remaining? Its like I’m on dial-up. Does that even exist anymore?
I had a brief moment of thought today while I was driving with the windows down. I thought “You know, things could be worse.” I have no idea where it came from, but its certainly true. Yes there’s a lot of crap going on, but it certainly could be a lot worse. I could not have the things I have. I could be totally alone. I could not have a car instead of just having one with issues. You get the picture.
I’ve almost been triumphant over the pool! You can see through the water today. The bottom is still green so I’ll probably end up treating it again, but its a start. Gives me something that feels useful to do. Not that there isn’t plenty of other stuff waiting to be done.
So its Tuesday, and I’ve had my fill of frustration. I was finding out what it takes to transfer the name on utilities. The power company wants a $645 deposit ON AN ACTIVE ACCOUNT just to change the name of the person its billed to. Unfuckingbelievable. I mean, really. Going from my deceased grandmothers name to my mothers name. Six-hundred and forty five dollars. To get them to change from direct account billing to sending us a bill I have to fax crap that says my mother is the executor of the estate. Too many hoops to jump through if you ask me. I haven’t even tried the phone, water, waste or cable yet. If you’re wondering why the utilities are still in the name of someone who has died, its because my mother didn’t see any reason to change them. In some cases I guess it doesn’t make a difference, though.
I was lamenting the fact that I finished a bottle of wine I really like the label on. Apparently there are ways to remove the label for keeping. Most interesting. Wish I’d though of that with my last bottle of wine. I admit, the label does effect my wine purchase, along with cost and type of wine. This is my latest. Please excuse the mess behind it.
I love the colors, and the way it looks like images collected by a traveler. It was a good wine, too. I’ve only recently decided to broaden my horizons beyond Muscato and Riesling. Last wine I tried was a Granache from Spain. I’m not really into red wine because of the tannins, but I tried it and kinda liked it. I would buy it again if I were in the mood. The only thing I need to do is keep my wine drinking in check, and not drink too much or I could run into problems again. That addiction runs in the family and its a bitch to fight with.
I wish I could say that I had a very productive weekend and started the week off with a bang, but I can’t, really. I did the gym yesterday. I was going to go today but I was too frustrated and headachy (probably would have been good reasons to go). Tomorrow I get “pampered” to an extent. I’m getting my hurr did. Going to try to go back to blonde, which is my natural color, and get a trim. Yay! No more split ends!
Double dark chocolate ice cream, that is. Actually, it was gelato. Must be proper now. Italian ice cream is extra special, and healthy.
I feel like this blog needs a picture.
I took this picture a couple of years ago, when I first got my 50mm lens. However, the photo remains relevant. This cat is still around, stalking me for food and keeping me company when I’m bored. She’s a spoiled princess. I was going to go to Lake Lily to take pictures but after visiting mom and going to the grocery (finally), it was later in the day than I wanted to go. Plus there were a few drops of rain here and there. Maybe I’ll take my camera to the hospital with me tomorrow and stop on the way home. Weather and time permitting.
When I go to the grocery, I’m pro at getting fruit to have around. I get some every time. But when it comes to vegetables, I look at them and draw a blank. I don’t know which ones to get. I think some of this is Publix fault, because the produce section is set up with the fruit stacked plentifully in the center, and the vegetables not as fully stocked on the outer edges. I’m so used to preparing mostly frozen vegetables, and I’m the only one home who is eating them now (except for the guinea pigs). Ahh, catch 22.
Regardless, Zach and I ran up to the bookstore tonight because I was bored. I went for a knitting magazine and came home with a Mediterranean cookbook (and my knitting magazine). I was looking through the cookbook, and everything was so fresh and simple. Things I can really see myself cooking and eating regularly. That should give me more vegetable inspiration I suppose. Now if I start eating better, and going to the gym, hopefully the pounds will start to go away. I think the gym is that real key component that I’m leaving out by only going once a week. I was just talking about that the other day. I just need to find a way to hold myself accountable.
Funny how this went from gelato to the gym.
Tomorrow Zach is back at Bay Hill to watch the final round, so I can do things at my own pace. I should do laundry, but should is such an ugly word. Should needs to be replaced with something. Like when I say “I should go to the gym.” Should is not a motivator! What’s your motivator?