Sofa King Awkward

Take my social life. Please. Because I’m not doing a very good job with it.

I’ve kept myself pretty isolated for a while. Most of my face to face interactions are with my son. Sure, I twitter and I have friends that I text with, but I rarely get out and meet people and talk to them in person. I decided maybe it was time to change that this year, and now I remember why I was isolating myself; because I’m a total fucking train wreck.

I am an introvert, but that shouldn’t mean I don’t know how to interact with people. I mean, I know how, but afterwards I spend so much time second guessing the things I say and do. I feel like I tell people things I shouldn’t be saying and they’ll think I’m insane, which, honestly, I kind of am. Not dangerous insane, just off my rocker insane. Add to that the fact that socializing often involves alcohol and then I really really really hate myself the next day. Even if its just text messages or twitter, I feel like I come off like a complete needy jackass.

Then add in the fact that I have a very empathetic personality (INFJ in the house). I see people struggling, upset, not feeling well, and I just want to help. I want to fix it all and make it better. Even with people (and animals) I don’t know. I tell people I want to help, I give unsolicited advice, I ask people to let me know what I can do, but then I think, “well that was pushy of me. Why did I do that? Now this person will not want to talk to me anymore.” I mean well, I really do, but I think I come off all wrong in trying to express it.

So when I do these things, when I feel like I overshared, or I pushed too hard with the caring, and then I don’t hear from someone for a while, it just emphasizes that feeling of not being good enough that I’m already struggling with. That feeling that I’m not worthy of anyones time or attention. And I get that people are busy, and most of them have other people in their lives and jobs, but I still doubt myself to the point that my brain goes on this loop of things I feel I did wrong, and how I’ve alienated everyone, and I end up with massive anxiety. I don’t tell people that I’m feeling or thinking these things because I don’t want them to think I blame them for the messed up things my brain tells me.

I give compliments and then immediately wonder if they’re out of line. Then I wonder if I should let the person know I meant what I said in the nicest way, but I know I should just back the fuck off. But backing off is hard when you’re already feeling pretty lonely and bad enough about yourself and can’t stand the idea of someone hating you because you were trying to be nice. How much does that idea suck? Oh, and don’t even get me started on my bizarre sense of humor, because that’s another entire dissertation.

It’s a really vicious cycle that I throw myself into. I think I need to move somewhere far away from everyone, or at least get a certificate saying I’m an official train wreck that I can show to people when I meet them so they don’t have to wonder “what the fuck is her deal?”

Advertisements

Insomnia strikes again

Still really tense and that’s been keeping me from sleeping well lately.  My ceiling fan was making a ticking sound and it was making me very angry since I’m already on edge. When it was time to go to bed I was in knots. Then Jon was snoring which woke me up, then he got really quiet which woke me up. He ended up getting sick from dinner.

My fault. If I’d just said I didn’t want to go there like I didn’t want to, he wouldn’t have gotten sick. I tried to take care of him but he left and went home saying he wanted to stretch out. Apparently my giving him 90% of the bed wasn’t enough. I did something wrong to make him leave at nearly 5 am.

I wanted to get in my car and drive away. Drive to the beach and watch the sunrise. Something to get out of this place where everything is going so wrong. I didn’t though because Zach was still up and I didn’t want him to feel like I was running out on him. Plus I think he wanted to come and I just really wanted to be alone. I’d take off for the west coast but I can’t really be gone with the car all day.

I just feel like I can’t quite escape, and I need to.

my brain is on crack

Or something at least. It won’t settle down enough for me to fall asleep. I’ve tried every trick that I know, but nothing helps. So I figured I might as well change what I’m doing because that would definitely make me fall asleep. Not working so far.

The Christmas tree tried to take a nosedive again. Now its leaning backwards, and it doesn’t look so bad. I’ve never had such a fit with a tree. I never baked cookies, never got around to my Christmas cards (why can’t they make New Years cards?). I’m just chalking this holiday season up to the blahs. There’s too many of them. Plus I ended up with bronchitis and spent a deal of time huddled in bed. I’m so tired most of the time lately. I’ve got to do something about it.

I am looking forward to Christmas. I’ll be getting some surprises this year. Can’t remember the last time that happened. There happens to be a Tiffany blue box under the tree for me, too! What girl wouldn’t get excited about that? I’m going to try to post some pictures later, or on Christmas eve, but if I don’t, I wish you all a Merry Christmas!

insomnia

I keep having these nights where I just can’t sleep. My head hits the pillow, my mind turns on and my eyes are wide open. I fight to sleep, but eventually end up giving up. I just don’t have the fight to try to force myself to sleep.

So I’m sitting here, 6:14 am, after a long night awake. I did use my time wisely and searched for recipes. I’m going to have to start cutting everything in half. I’m used to cooking for four, and now its just two since my dad can’t eat. Zach and I have been guilty of eating out all the time, but that has to stop because of cost and the fact that we’re both putting on weight. Going in the opposite direction of where I want to be going. I also need to lay off the beer and wine. Talk about empty calories. It could also be contributing to my not sleeping.

My uncle sent me a few pictures from when I was about three. That’s my mom on the left, my aunt to the right. We were at Sandia Mountain.

This must be from when we were driving across the country from California to Florida, before my dad went to Germany. My mom didn’t really age much until she started dialysis. I mean, she aged, but she still looked a lot like the same person. She seemed ageless to me. I’m running out of distractions and am going to have to start going through her stuff soon. My dad’s already doing more that I expected or that I’m almost comfortable with.I mean, yeah, she was his wife, but as far as I’m concerned Mom trumps wife.

Hmm. Maybe I’ll go eat some breakfast and then go to the gym.

Another late night

I keep falling asleep after dinner, taking a nap much too late. I know that’s contributing to my inability to fall asleep, but its not all of it. Just so many things on my mind lately that I’m restless.

My dad is going to have two more chemo treatments. They felt like he’d recovered enough from the first batch that they’d give him two more doses. Whatever works, I suppose. My mom is doing ok in the hospital. She’s eating well, but she’s taking in too much fluid so she needs extra dialysis tomorrow. I have no idea how long they are going to keep her. Apparently what happened with her fistula was the head, or part of the inner workings, came out. She’s got a permacath for now, but I’d imagine they’d want to fix her fistula at some point. She bled like crazy because they have her on blood thinners. I don’t know why they have someone on dialysis, who gets stuck with needles more than once a week, would be on blood thinners. She and her doctor had decided against it. Guess I have to go into investigator mode.

I went to the gym with new resolve today, telling myself I was going to grab my chance and run with it. Worked out with the trainer pretty hard, but I didn’t do my 30 minutes of cardio because I ended up with a headache. Looking back, walking might have helped with the headache. Duh. I’ll be there again tomorrow, or, well, today if you want to be technical.

Zach has an elementary school reunion to go to in the afternoon. He has so few days left of school. That freaks me out too. All the normalcy I’ve known for the past 12 years is coming to an end. This fall he’ll likely be taking classes at Valencia Community College. I think that’s a good step for him to do at least a year there, if not two. Then he’s guaranteed admission to any state school. I don’t know if he’ll pick UCF or UF. Ok, now I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Right now I’m just focused on the cap and gown that are draped across my chair. All grown up. *sniff*

late night

They’re cute. They know this. Plus they make cute little wheeking noises. They use both of these to their advantage. That’s Wicket on the left, and Peanut to the right.

They were dancing around and putting their noses in the air because they knew it was time for lettuce. A nice big bowl of romaine.

My dad gets out of the hospital either tomorrow afternoon or on Thursday. I’m kind of hoping they keep him until Thursday because he was able to sleep there, and I know he really needs rest. Plus that peg tube area needs to not be oozing and irritated. My mom goes to see her vascular surgeon on Monday to decide what to do about the DVT’s. I’m still betting on a hospital stay.

I still haven’t gotten much done that I thought I would be getting done. I need to make a list and prioritize. Then I’ll have a list to stare at.

I had a bunch of thoughts but now I don’t remember them because I’ve suddenly gotten tired. Goodnight, blog.

sick

If you’ve been looking for me the past couple of days, I’ve been in bed I’ve got a sore throat, horribly congested sinuses, and an earache. I would be sleep right now but every time I lie down, I’m unable to breathe. I did sleep a good portion of the day, but I’m still so tired.

Since I’m not sleeping, I started a load of laundry. Usually I’d do it Sunday but I just didn’t feel like it. Don’t feel so much like it right now but its got to be done. Tomorrow, along with finishing laundry, I have a feeling I’m going to have to run some errands. Joy of joys. Zach’s birthday is on Wednesday and I still haven’t finished shopping for him. I know what I’m getting, its a matter of getting it. Usually I’m sick for my birthday, now it seems like I might be sick on his. Go figure.

I guess I’ll tend to the laundry and maybe try to sleep again. Ugh.

too much sleep

I slept hardcore. Really seriously hardcore. For a long time. Apparently I needed it. I even slept through a power outage, which is something that would normally wake me (I don’t know why). Sadly though, when the power came back on, the motor in my ceiling fan refused to turn the blades anymore, so I will soon be shopping for a new fan. I’m so used to having it on that its weird to have it be still. Also sadly, I slept so much I’m not tired now.

My cat was staring at me and I got the hiccups. Is there a correlation there? If so, damn cat.

I’m usually ready to swing into Christmas mode right about now, but I’m totally not. I’ve been in a moody mood instead. I was trying to figure out what’s making me feel this way, and I think, nine albums in, I’ve figured out the problem. While doing my iTunes A-Z, listening to Diana Krall. I have ten of her albums. I love the music, but I think it high doses, it puts me in a moody mood. I’m on the last one, now. I think I can finish it and preserve my sanity. The end is so close! I hope this isn’t going to effect the way I listen to music now, though. I’m really trying hard to get through my iTunes library, but for some reason it keeps growing, like I keep downloading music or something.

Tomorrow, while the weather is nice, we’ll be putting up outdoor lights. This means I will be crawling on the roof, which is not really amongst my favorite things. The cooler temperatures should lift my spirits, though, and maybe put me in more of a holiday mood. If that doesn’t. Hopefully putting the lights on the tree will. Or maybe I just need time?

haunted by turkey and stuffing

This is the fourth year in a row that I have done the Thanksgiving preparations and cooking on my own (except for the mashed potatoes, Zach usually helps with those but I’m not counting on it this year). I’ve made the cranberry sauce already, and I got out of bed at 1am because I was tossing and turning over other things, namely the brine and the cornbread. So I made the brine for the turkey. Now I have to wait for it to cool enough to go in the refrigerator.

I don’t know why I suffer so much from this holiday. This not sleeping business is new. I think maybe its because I spent my childhood watching my mother and grandmother work so hard on Thanksgiving. They did very little prep and spent pretty much the entire day in the kitchen, and dinner was always late, and there was a huge mess to clean up. I feel like its a lot to live up to, and surpass if I can. See, even now I’m thinking I should be making the cornbread.

And gravy! I forgot the damn gravy! I guess I’ll be making it with pan drippings. Ack! Whole milk. I forgot that too. See, I don’t put too much pressure on myself, do I?

Lucky for all of this it’ll be over in a couple days.

I try to sleep and nothing happens

Yes, another night of me going on about stress and things that are bothering me. I’ve been trying to get to sleep for over an hour and a half. I’m close to ready to give up. My mind is going at warp speed and making me worry. The turkey day issues and everything that goes with it–will the food  cook and be ready at reasonable times, will the turkey still be warm when its served, will everyone like it, and what the hell am I going to do with leftovers. Fridge space has got to be cleared in the next couple days because real estate is at a premium this month.

The worried continue to Christmas things. I’m afraid I won’t be able to find decorations because, off of the top of my head, I can’t remember where some things are. Or if I even definitely had what I’m thinking of. I need to make a list of what needs to get done, set a date to have it done by, and go from there. That may let my mind rest easily knowing what I’m going to do when.

Sorry with the repetitive posts. This is the only way I get to vent.