hysteria and sleep

I feel like shit. Not going to mince words here. Sorry if you don’t like a potty mouth. After several days of barely sleeping I slept for 18 hours yesterday. That of course meant I couldn’t sleep last night. Along with being tired I’m dizzy and having trouble staying focused. The trouble focusing makes sense but the dizziness, I’m beginning to think my brains are fried. Its probably from my sinuses, as messed up as they’ve been.

I’m pretty much a hysterical, stressed out mess. I’ll start crying out of nowhere, and then I just keep crying. I’ve been keeping myself in the house as much as possible. Not a good way to be dealing with the public. I took my dad to his radiation on Monday, and to see the doctor. He flat out lied and told them he wasn’t smoking. I should have called him out but I was drained, feeling sick, and not really wanting to get smacked in the head later.

I need some sort of normalcy in my life. I need this cancer treatment fiasco (which he’s not even sure he’s going to complete) to be over. I need a time to get up and a time to go to bed. I need set things I do during the day. I need to take complete days where I just leave the house and don’t come back for several hours. I just need everything to change, which is absolutely impossible.

I just feel like I can’t take much more.

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monday

Most of today has looked like this:

I’m really fine with it though. We’ve had a lot of rain lately, but we really need it, so I’m not going to complain. Besides, the rain really relaxes me. Listening to it hit the roof is one of my favorite things. Unfortunately, its stopped now.

I haven’t much felt like getting out of bed today, and only have to cook dinner. I’m still in my pajamas even now. All of that sadness I was so worried about not feeling is starting to kick in, I think. All of the changes being made around here, knowing its been a month. I’ve moved out of the shock phase.

I feel lousy about not getting things done, though. I haven’t done any laundry, I still haven’t cleaned the house. My allergies have been bad lately, too, and considering I’m not going outside, the culprit has to be inside the house. I’m allergic to dust, so I should be able to do the math. Maybe watching Hoarders will make me want to clean. Think I’ll give it a try.