Its that time of year, the time of year when my frustration tends to reach a peak. Usually its weather related because the heat and humidity make everything feel so stagnant with no relief in the near future. Maybe the weather is playing a part in my general frustration level, but the things that are bothering me are not centered around “damn its hot” but instead its “damn I’m alone.”

I do my best to be there for people. I do what I can because I enjoy helping people, and I’m just one of those people who has that annoying “empathy” gene. I worry that I’m not doing enough, or sometimes that I’m trying too hard. If someone is clearly upset and won’t talk to me, I worry more and tend to think I’ve done something to make them not feel like they can trust me (yes, that is self centered thinking,I know). Sometimes I try to do things, whether they are actual thing things, like something someone could physically benefit from, or just to be supportive. When I try to be there for someone, or do something for someone and they reject it, it really stings.

I know I can’t control the actions of other people, and I’m responsible for my own happiness. I don’t often let people in on things that are bothering me. I either internalize them, or occasionally I come here and complain because nobody reads this. I like to help people, but I don’t like to reach out for help. If I ask for help with something, it’s usually skill related, like I need advice or help fixing some “thing” around the house that I don’t fully understand. I don’t usually tell people the stuff that scare me or upset me. Then everything boils up and I act weird around people because I really need to talk but am afraid to say, “hey, I need someone to talk to” because I’m a) afraid they’ll say no, and b) I don’t like letting people into my carefully constructed walls because that just leads to me getting hurt. Especially when I reach out to them and they won’t reach back.

I don’t know if this is making any sense. I don’t really care if it isn’t. I just want it out there. If you’ve ever been in a crowded room, a room with friends and family even, and just felt so completely and utterly alone, then you know how I feel.

A little public service announcement

I’ve been threatening, in my head, to start blogging again. This was not the subject that I planned on leading with this, but I need to get it out there. Sit down and relax, because this may get long.

Just a friendly, yet mildly morbid reminder, dear readers: if you lose a loved one and have to plan their final rest, or you are looking to pre-arrange your own, or know someone that is, PLEASE AVOID BALDWIN FAIRCHILD AND DIGNITY MEMORIAL!! PLEASE!! I IMPLORE YOU!! DO ALL THAT YOU CAN TO AVOID THESE COMPANIES.

Making final arrangements for yourself, or a loved one, can be a stressful time. You need a funeral director/planner and cemetery that are ON. THE. BALL. to make your life easier. You’ve got a lot of decisions to make, and you need support, love, and options. When you call you need a friendly voice to answer the phone. You need people willing to work hard to provide you with what you need in a timely fashion. Trust me. I’ve done four of these so far.

I’ve dealt with Baldwin Fairchild for my grandfather, grandmother, mother, and more recently with Dignity Memorial (whom they’ve merged with) for my dad. I have had SO many headaches, as I’ve shared in the past. I do not wish this on any of you. For instance, and this may seem small, but my dad was a veteran. I was told that if I provided a copy of his discharge papers we would receive a flag in his honor. I supplied those papers at the end of November of last year. Its occurred to me, several times, that we never got that flag, which I know was something that was important to Zach. I made a phone call today, stated my case to a receptionist, and she, not the funeral director,  made a phone call and located the flag. This is a good thing.

If you followed my posts at the end of last year, you know about the difficulties and frustrations and flat out anger I was dealing with at my dad and the cemetery. After my mom passed, I set up, what I thought, were my dad’s final arrangements. I thought that I was planning for cremation, an urn, and placement in the niche with my mom. Turns out, all that I paid for was the cremation. Maybe some of the blame falls on me, I didn’t ask enough questions. I was just thinking back to my grandmothers pre-paid where everything except death certificates and an obituary were paid for, and thought I was getting the same thing. Of course, I was also still in mourning at the sudden loss of my mom, so asking all of those questions was not at the front of my mind. I am still glad, however, that my dads cremation was pre-paid, because in just over three years, the price of cremation through them more than doubled, nearly tripled.

Anyway, there turned out to be a space issue in the niche FOR TWO that they sold me in 2011, so I was given the dimensions for an urn that would fit, and was told to search for something on my own. I voiced my displeasure, so they searched and rooted around, finding an urn for his ashes (oddly the one I thought I’d chosen and paid for) and gave it to me for free.  However, we still cannot lay him to rest because they want $685 dollars to do so. To open the niche and place the urn inside. No ceremony, just placement. We did ask that his date of death be placed on the marker, since the marker is paid for and that would be done at no cost, providing us with a bit of a memorial for him. This was at the beginning of December 2014. I went to the cemetery to take flowers on Sunday (May 31) and it still has not been updated. I placed a call to, lets call her June, who has handled everything at the cemetery for me for my parents (and set up my dad’s cremation), today. She said she was surprised and would look into it.

This does not surprise me though. It took nearly four months to get the plaque placed when my mom died, but seriously. This is just adding a date. Five months, and nothing. Now, June is a very nice person, probably one of the nicer people I’ve dealt with. She’s also very forthright, which can be helpful when you’re making decisions, but also comes off as a bit brash. However, I’m beginning to question why so many problems have come up when I worked with her. I don’t know if its her, or the company, or both to be honest.

So if you can, save yourself the trouble and don’t use these companies if you can avoid them. There are other options out there. I wish I’d looked for someone else when my mom died, but since that was who I knew, that was where I went. The company has definitely gone downhill a great deal since 2008 when my grandmother died, and at that point they’d even gone further downhill from 1997, when my grandfather passed. And Dignity? They don’t deserve that name. They have been the least helpful and compassionate of all. You would think they would help families of veterans, who are sometimes entitled to compensation from the Veterans Administration, figure out the process. Instead, they just tell you to “check into it.” Its a MESSY place, and I really would have liked help because I still haven’t been able to wade through all their red tape and whatnot.

Also, please do consider pre-planning your final expenses if you are in a situation where you know what you want and can afford it, because the prices just keep getting more and more astronomical. Also, make sure you’re family and/or friends know what you want and make sure they will agree to honor that, pre-paid or not. Also, make a will. Please and thank you.

Love and light. Enjoy tonights full moon! Be bold and spontaneous!


Either karma decided to come kick me in the ass after that last post, or Murphy and his law moved in and has overstayed his welcome.

That Friday, my kitchen line backed up. The plumber came and tried to plunge it, leading to the fairly much anticipated death of the disposal. So there I was, looking at a nearly $500 plumbers bill to fix everything, and there was no way I was going to be able to pay for that until the following Tuesday. Luckily, I have really good friends and I bought a disposal and had it installed for a lot less than what the plumber was going to charge, cutting my plumbers bill by over half. We still had to have them come out Tuesday to clean the line because that had to be done through the roof vent, and I was not having friends climb on the roof with a heavy electric auger to try to do it themselves. The sink drain works beautifully now, so yay.

Last Monday, Zach and I went to the cemetery to discuss what we were going to do with my dads ashes. We ended up putting the decision off for a few more days, but ultimately we had him placed in the urn they were giving us (which is exactly like the one my mom is in, go figure) and we brought his ashes home. Hopefully I can get some money from the VA for burial expenses and we can place him then. Otherwise, not sure what we’ll do.

But Monday. Zach had a final after we went to the cemetery. He called me on the way home because the car overheated. Luckily, friends to the rescue again. Jon was able to troubleshoot with Zach over the phone, and Zach got the car home. Later that night Jon came and found the problem was a crack in my radiator. Instead of replacing it, its been JB Weld-ed for now. However, there is still a coolant leak, and some sort of gasket has to be replaced. Plus some other gasket was leaking oil. The oil leaking gasket was replaced this past weekend, and the other gasket will be replaced this weekend. Again, its a good thing to have friends because its only going to cost me parts instead of mechanic expenses too. Also might cost a few home cooked meals, and a few beers, but I’m glad to pay that.

I remained on high alert, waiting for something else to break. The first thing was me. I came down with a nasty cold and pretty much lost my voice for a couple of days. Then the pool pump wouldn’t prime. That is hopefully going to be resolved today. I’m still congested and have a bit of a cough, but I feel much better than I did.

People have really come through for me and been major helpers. I’ve got names and numbers for estate lawyers, I have Mr. Fix-its on call, and friends who will talk me off of a ledge. I am so truly thankful for all of them. And especially, I have Zach, who started decorating the Christmas tree himself because I was sick. Now its beautifully decked with much love and Christmas spirit.

Rage, anger, and swearing

This week has been fucktastic. Fucktacularly fucked. A fucking nightmare, if you get what I’m saying,

I found out that since I am not a beneficiary on my dads life insurance policy, I have to go through legal channels to get the money. My moms estate was never settled thanks to my dads reluctance, neither one of them left a will, I’m basically fucked, because I was going to use the life insurance money to settle the estates. Now I may have to hire an attorney even though I probably can’t afford a retainer. I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I half expect them to come throw us out of the house because we don’t own it. I don’t know if I can sell furniture that I wanted to sell because its probably property of the estates.

Then there’s Baldwin Fairchild/Dignity. Please, do NOT EVER use them. For anything. I beg you. When my mom passed, I set up prepaid for my dad, and that was paid in full a few months ago. I thought I set up to pay for cremation, an urn, and placement. Apparently, only cremation was covered. I had to pay for death certificates and cremation license, no biggie. However, the death certificates contain incorrect information and its going to take at least six weeks to get new ones. Great.

When I picked up the death certificates, I inquired about my fathers remains. The lady told me to call the cemetery to make sure he hadn’t “slipped through the cracks.” What does that even mean? I call there, they know nothing, I call the funeral director. Two hours later I still hadn’t heard back so I called again. Apparently the ashes are at the cemetery. I’m not entirely convinced they didn’t have to scramble to find them.

So, since I didn’t have an urn in that deal, I thought I was going to have to buy one. However, there was a problem–the niche for two? Well, there was a problem with space for the second urn. They had to do some hunting to find one that would fit. Luckily, I guess, they found one, and they are not going to charge me for it. However, if I want to place him in the niche, which means removing four screws, removing the small marble plate, placing the urn inside, and replacing the plate and screws, is going to cost $685. Up front. No financing available. What the actual FUCK is that? I can’t pay that, so I’m not going to.

At this point, I don’t know what I’m going to do with him. I go to the cemetery Monday morning to fill out paperwork and make a decision. My heart is telling me to finance a new plaque for the niche and leave my mom in their alone, even though it would cost a lot more than $685. As for my dad, maybe we could stash him in the garage. I do recall when I was pregnant he did say “You get bored with everything and stash it in the garage. You’ll do the same with that baby.” Well, I’m not exactly bored with him. More like LIVID. Perhaps the trash is a better option?

Rest in peace, fucker.

At a loss

Its been quite a while, hasn’t it?

For New Years, Jon and I drove to the west coast of Florida to see the sun set, then to the east coast for the sunrise. It was cloudy, so it was really more watching the sky get brighter, but it was cool, and windy, and the waves were crashing. It was beautiful. However, as I sat there, I felt a real sense of dread. I almost wanted to cry at the idea of having to face another year. I just had a bad feeling.

Things were up and down most of the year. Then in the beginning of July, my dad got sick and had to go to the hospital. We found out he had prostate cancer that had spread to the bones. The doctor rattled off numbers of values in the blood that I only understand were really high. He made a few more trips to the hospital for weakness, falls, and breathing difficulty. Finally, at the end of October, he came home from his last hospital stay with hospice care.

I didn’t know what to expect. They say people admitted to hospice generally are expected to live six months or less. He was weak when he got home, and I was so scared we weren’t going to be able to take care of him. He settled in and did a bit better, but then came the landslide. He had frequent falls, it didn’t seem like the medication we were giving him weren’t helping. On November 12th, his nurse decided that he should go to the hospice inpatient center so they could get his meds straightened out and get him stabilized. It took a few days but they finally got him settled, and he stopped waking up in the middle of the night agitated. We thought about bringing him home, but didn’t because he was so well taken care of and comfortable. We didn’t want to cause him stress.

On November 20th I got a call that they could not find a blood pressure, and his breathing had slowed. Due to kind of a freak thing, Jon was there when I got off the phone with the nurse, He took me down to the hospice center, and Zach followed shortly. We said our goodbyes to him. He was an intensely personal man, and it was my belief he would rather pass alone than with us hanging around him. He made it through the night, Zach visited him on the afternoon of the 21st. That evening, I got a call that he had passed quietly.

My dad and I weren’t terribly close. He felt weird having a daughter. He was an alcoholic. After his first fight with throat cancer and the laryngectomy, he could no longer speak, so he would just write to us when he needed something. The more time passed, especially after my mom died, the more withdrawn he became. Frankly, there were times that it was really difficult to be around him. He was angry and depressed, and you could just sense it. I know he was probably in a lot of pain from the cancer, and this past year that may have colored his attitude a bit, but he never asked for help. He was ready to go, so we helped him along as best we could, trying to make it a comfortable trip.

I miss him terribly now. The call from the nurse felt like the floor dropped out from under me. It felt, no, it feels so unfair to have lost both of my parents before I even turn 40. I know a lot of people have it worse, but right now I’m a little wrapped up in my situation. This has driven a couple of people away, it seems. People that were really there for me when I was anxious and unsure. I miss them. They know who they are.

I’m so blessed to have Zach. He’s been very strong for me. I just don’t know what to do, or how to feel. I’m so mixed up. I don’t want to face the holidays. I’m scared as hell about dealing with his and my mothers estates. I don’t feel like I have much to look forward to, and its making me a bit of a bitch I guess. A whiney, weepy one.

Insomnia workout

I fell asleep around 12:30 and was awake again at 3:30 because I was hot, thirsty, and had to pee. It’s now almost 6am and I’m still awake. My mind won’t shut down, I can’t get comfortable. As soon as I see a little sunlight, I’m going to pop in my workout and just start my day.

My routine has become get up early, work out, have breakfast, take a shower, then whatever. Sometimes I take a nap because even though I’m getting more physical activity in every day, I’m still not getting a good nights sleep. Usually its five hours. And the ridiculous thing is I take ambien! That’s supposed to help you sleep for eight hours. I figure today if I just get up and go about my business, I’ll definitely want a nap, so maybe I can take one early in the day.

I’ve been on this schedule/routine for three weeks now and its paid off. I’ve lost six pounds and gained some muscle/strength. Today I’m going to start a three day Shakeology cleanse, which I’m hoping will help me drop a few extra this week. As moody and tired as I am its probably not the best time, but because of things, it just works out this week. Things being Jon. He has no idea how to manage his time and school work. He has a project due next week that he’s had for a couple of weeks. He’s worked on it some, but now he has to shut me out for a week so he can focus and get it done. I don’t know why I’m upset. I’m used to this bullshit in some form. This is just the first time he’s basically told me he’s shutting me out.

Otherwise things have been kind of, eh, things. After my dad’s fall and break, he tried to do things as normally as possible. Then he just gave up and went downhill. He fell twice in one week, resulting in me calling for help. The second time he agreed to go to the hospital and get help. He had an infection, most likely from the break, and low potassium, so they kept him for a few days. After that they recommended time in a rehab center. He agreed. I chose the one my mom had been in because they have a great therapy department. I just didn’t think about how hard it was going to be for me to go there since the last time I went was when my mom passed. They’ve made major upgrades, and the place looks different, but there’s still that familiar feeling. I’ve been having to send Zach to see my dad.

I know that’s part of what is draining me emotionally. I rely on Jon for emotional support since I don’t have many other people, and now I’ve just had that yanked away. I guess that’s why I’m so raw. Its just another reminder you can’t rely on anyone but yourself. I just need to rebuild that emotional wall so things aren’t so damn close to my heart. I’m the only person that will be there for me all of the time.

There’s other incredible crap going on too, but I don’t feel like getting into it. Time to wake up, work out, and try to distance myself from my feelings.

Tough month

I hate May.

I’ve been an emotional wreck all month. The 25th will mark two years since my mom passed away, the 18th was her birthday, and with the addition of Mothers day, its all a lot to handle. I started getting sad just before Mothers day. I started crying every day and just barely functioning. I’ve been clinging to Jon because I’m so scared of being alone and feeling weak. I’m sure he’s nuts by now, he just won’t admit it.

He encouraged me to make a to do list of things that need to be done around the house and I’m overwhelmed by it. There’s so much. I haven’t been keeping up with things. Along with that the house needs big repairs like a new roof, paint, some plumbing work. Thinking about all of that makes me cry more and drives me into anxiety attacks. Obviously I’m not really getting anything done.

I did go camping with Jon and his friend last weekend. Well, his friend didn’t really stick around so it became more like the two of us. It was an ok experience. It was nice to get away but I didn’t really relax much. Plus I feel really guilty because my dad drove Zach nuts all weekend, and I probably should have been with my family on my mom’s birthday. I was also looking forward to geocaching while out there, but Jon’s friend was so against it we didn’t do any. Plus I don’t think Jon really enjoys doing it with me. He’s been doing it for years and I think I’ve infringed on something that was “his” in a way.

I’m not getting exercise in. My back is messed up. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow provided I wake up for the appointment. I haven’t been eating well, I haven’t had much of an appetite. This weekend I ate so much junk. I feel like crap for it.

Enough whining. Just needed to vent somewhere.

Bad year already

Jon broke up with me last night. Apparently he’s wanted to for a while but has just been carrying me around as a burden instead. I can’t believe I was so stupid I didn’t see that. I really thought things were going well. I had no idea he felt that way. He says he still cares and wants to be my friend. I’m just shocked I was so stupid.

For six years I kept up a wall. I was all alone and I was fine with that. Then Hannah introduced me to Jon and things moved along. I eventually let that wall down and let him in. I had feelings and I thought they were being returned. I made such a big deal to include him in the holidays because he was important to me and I wanted him to feel like he belonged somewhere. He introduced me to his family and I thought that was a big step. All along he had his doubts.

I wish I knew exactly where I went wrong. He says I didn’t, but it had to be something. I was too fearful. I wasn’t outgoing enough. I didn’t make big changes in my life. I’m just not good enough how I am.

So the wall goes back up. All the things I was looking forward to doing with him have gone out the window. I’m far to fearful to go on trips on my own. I was especially looking forward to my birthday this Saturday but it will just be another one spent alone.

I hate 2013.

Long while

It’s certainly been long enough since I posted anything here. I apologize for that to anyone who enjoys my posts. I’ve just been in a huge rut with nothing to say.

It would be easier to come up with things to tell you if I actually did anything. My life has mostly consisted of sleeping and sitting around in my pajamas watching tv. I don’t want to admit how long its been since I cleaned the house or cooked a meal instead of eating out or getting take out. I also don’t want to admit how much weight I’ve put on, but that’s been an ongoing thing since my mom died. Speaking of that, tomorrow will be one year that she’s been gone.

I’ve tried to get myself going to the gym, setting myself up with the trainer again, but my confidence and drive are missing. They’re missing in every aspect of my life, really. I haven’t picked up a camera, or started a knitting project in ages. I’ve read a couple of books but the current one I’m reading I’m dragging through. I feel like I’ve been in this stuck with no motion place for a year. I don’t think I’ve gotten far in accepting she’s gong. Just Monday night I got up to go tell her something. You’d think by now I’d be in some sort of acceptance phase. Nothing has been enjoyable since she died.

In other news, Zach finished his first two semesters of college. He decided to not do summer classes though. I think he should have done at least one, but whatever, The older he gets, the less say I have. He keeps himself buys, even if he’s just playing video games. My dad seems to be dong fine. I need to make a doctors appointment for him for a scan and check-up. I’ve got to quit dragging my feet.

Summer is here. I know its a fun season for a lot of people but I can’t stand the heat and humidity. Plus we really didn’t have much of a winter so its like there was very little time to recover from the heat. I will enjoy afternoon thunderstorms though. meanwhile I’ll just be wishing for October.

I wish I could write a more upbeat post, include some pictures or something. I’ll try harder next time. Hopefully next time won’t be four months from now.

bad week

Last week was a real black hole for me. I was exhausted and my sleep schedule was all messed up. I took my dad to radiation on Monday but Zach took him the rest of the week because I was so bleary and tired. On Tuesday I was dizzy and spaced out, still not sure why.

No matter what time I went to bed, I would wake up around 5am and not be able to fall asleep again until I took a nap that afternoon, and sometimes evening. I know that didn’t help my sleep. On Saturday I managed to stay awake most of the day, so when I went to bed that night I slept (aside from waking up every hour) and I also slept all day and in the evening, but I still managed to sleep through the night and woke up around 9-something. Hopefully I can keep this schedule.

I’m really hoping this month just slips by. I’m so tired of summer, not that September is suddenly cooler and fall like. That doesn’t really happen until October, but still, there’s something settling to my mind when its September. Its like I can see the finish line of summer. I totally live in the wrong state.

This week I’m going to try to catch up with chores that have fallen by the wayside, starting with the house. I need to clean clean clean. I’m catching up on laundry today. There’s a forest of weeds that need to be pulled, too. The garage that I cleaned up a bit last year needs attention again.

I’m really missing my mom lately. There are so many things I hear and think “Oh, I need to tell mom about that” and then I remember she’s gone. That played a lot into my week last week. I was feeling incredibly heartbroken. I still am, and imagine I will be for quite a while. It’s been just over two months but I feel like I’ve been missing her for much longer.