My brain is currently hung up on this thingy I saw on Facebook (I KNOW I KNOW).
My first thought was “Um, seriously? What the fuck?” The person who posted it agreed with it. There was some disagreement in the comments saying a relationship is when two people work together, and then it went into religion and I got distracted by a cookie or squirrel or something because, well, lets not talk about my hang-ups with religion shall we? (After doing a bit of googling, I’m fairly convinced this comes from some Christian guide for women)
Then I thought, “Maybe its right, though. Is it more natural for men to pursue women?” which is obviously problematic thinking. Women should feel free to pursue men, and vice versa. This paints a picture of men being predators and women being prey, and that’s REALLY wrong, especially when you look at the news lately (hey, #metoo) and if you look at it with any sort of rational adult thought. When you look at it from a rational human perspective, its easy to fix what’s wrong with it; just take out “man/men/him/he” and “woman/women/her/she” and replace it with “person/people.” Also, remove the line about “not that into you.” Actually, I take that back. Delete the whole damn thing. Boom, edited.
What this breaks down to for me is the realization of exactly how insecure I am about dating or liking people. Its hard to tell them because rejection sucks, but I think everyone feels that. I apparently needed to write this to figure that out, and to indulge my inner armchair feminist. We can’t keep telling our girls to act a certain way to get what they want. They need to be encouraged to be themselves. Boys ,too. People should love you for who you are, not who you think they want you to be. Then again, I could be wrong. I am still single, after all.
I’m just going to jump right into this since I’m a couple days late.
Move it move it: Still feeling really good about this one. With the exception of a migraine and a sore knee, I haven’t missed my morning walks or yoga. I’m transitioning into some running, planning to start Couch to 5k this week. I’m feeling MAJOR changes in my strength while I do yoga. I can nail chaturanga, and yesterday I actually held crow pose for about five seconds. My balance in standing one leg postures is getting a lot better too. I have been experiencing some “don’t wanna” feelings in the morning when its time to walk, mostly because of the weather and the fact that I can’t head right out the door after I feed the cats because its still dark. But I’m doing it! I get 5 out of 5.
Clean my plate: Still doing ok with this, but I’ve definitely eaten more junk in the past month. I notice when I eat junky food I end up craving more junky food, so I need to be more careful. I’ve been relying on Amy’s frozen meals a little more than I would like to because they’re easy and they are vegetarian. Still haven’t fully committed to plant based all the time because not everyone in the house wants to do that, and since Zach enjoys cooking, I haven’t wanted to impose extra work on him. I’ll figure it out. Giving myself 4 out of 5 this month because I know I can do better.
Honey do: This one has moved to a different level this past month. I haven’t done a lot of things on “the list” because I spent a significant portion of this past month getting roofing quotes, and trying to round up possible candidates for other big jobs that need to be done around the house. Obviously I’m not doing the physical work on those things, but they are things that have sorely needed to be done and I’m finally in a place where I’m able to do them. Still, I could be getting more stuff done and I’m kind of mad at myself for that. Maybe I should put “don’t be so hard on yourself” on my list. Going with 3.5 out of 5.
Write like a writer that writes: You know, while it doesn’t show so much on here, I have been doing a bit better with this. Just writing things that are kind of intensely personal that I’m not sharing with anyone. Considering taking on nanowrimo next month, but I’m not sure yet. My write up for this is 2.75 out of 5.
Mini Mental Vacations: I was doing a pretty good job with this one for a couple of weeks, doing something every day. Then I hit the end of the meditation series and stopped looking for new ones every day. I know it would be really good for me to try to take this a little more seriously, but sometimes I feel like reading is my mental break. I’ll go 3 out of 5.
Earn my explorer badge: I’ve definitely been getting myself out and about more, even stepping out of my comfort zone sometimes. One thing I notice with this is I’m getting a lot more comfortable with just doing things on my own. The company of other people is nice (and probably something I should be making more of an effort towards) but being comfortable and confident on my own is kind of a big deal. I think that’s going to get me out doing more stuff on my own. Going with 5 out of 5 just because I feel awesome about this.
I’m really glad I made the commitment to do this for myself. Not only am I feeling so much better physically and mentally, but I’m learning a lot about myself. I know where I need to restrict myself, and I know where I need to push myself. I guess trying to have a healthy mid-life crisis was a good idea after all.
Today is World Mental Health day. I feel like there’s more than one of these? Maybe the other was mental health awareness day? I don’t know. When I google “mental health holiday” or “mental health day” I just get stuff about getting through the holiday season or taking a day off of work. Not exactly what I was hoping to find.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. I’ve done many not so great things to deal with it, from cutting myself to trying to drink my problems away, to just not being safe with my life and body in a number of ways (that I’m not going to get into). Right now my depression is well managed, so it’s mostly anxiety that I’m working to keep in check. Sometimes it’s the most literal kind of anxiety, like shortness of breath, tightness in my chest and stomach, feelings of impending doom and extreme fear that at times have been bad enough that I thought I was having a heart attack. Other times its just flutters that I can identify, address, and move on. Other times it leaves me feeling exhausted and afraid to get out of bed. On a day to day basis, though, my anxiety comes across more as a feeling of self-doubt and sometimes crippling perfectionism. I spend a lot of time second guessing myself and my actions (ask me how long it took me to write this!) which really slows me down. I’m getting better at dealing with this, but it’s definitely there, and its also not something that a lot of people would think of me feeling when I say, “I have anxiety.”
My point is, and I swear I have one, that while lots of people suffer from anxiety, or depression, or OCD, etc., not everyone experiences the same illnesses in the same ways. Two people can go to a doctor and walk out with the same diagnosis even though THEY ARE NOT FEELING EXACTLY THE SAME THINGS. Even two people who experience the same event, like the loss of a parent, or a car accident, are not going to react the same way, think or feel the same things, because feelings and brains are really god damn complicated, y’all.
This is what I think makes mental health such a struggle for our society to understand and in some cases for people to accept that it is even a real problem.
It amazes me that in this day and age, people still doubt the existence of things just because they can’t see them or touch them. Learning about mental health issues, talking to people who have these problems, can be a great exercise in empathy though because it forces us outside of ourselves, makes us do our best to walk in another persons shoes. It can also lead to the exact opposite. Not understanding it doesn’t give you the right invalidate other peoples feelings. Saying things like “you shouldn’t worry so much about that,” or “you’re getting worked up over nothing,” or “you just need to cheer up,” or (I think) worst of all “you really should be over that by now.” That’s not empathetic, and that’s not at all helpful. So if you catch yourself wanting to say those things to someone, for the love of all that’s good, JUST DON’T.
If you are struggling with feelings that you don’t like, feelings that you don’t think other people will understand, I want you to remember one thing–no matter what, you are not alone. I’m right there with you, as are sooo many others. People you know, people you don’t know. Don’t let anyone invalidate the way you feel or make you doubt yourself just because they don’t understand. If someone tells you what you feel isn’t real, turn around and find someone who does. There will be someone out there that will listen.