Frustration

Its that time of year, the time of year when my frustration tends to reach a peak. Usually its weather related because the heat and humidity make everything feel so stagnant with no relief in the near future. Maybe the weather is playing a part in my general frustration level, but the things that are bothering me are not centered around “damn its hot” but instead its “damn I’m alone.”

I do my best to be there for people. I do what I can because I enjoy helping people, and I’m just one of those people who has that annoying “empathy” gene. I worry that I’m not doing enough, or sometimes that I’m trying too hard. If someone is clearly upset and won’t talk to me, I worry more and tend to think I’ve done something to make them not feel like they can trust me (yes, that is self centered thinking,I know). Sometimes I try to do things, whether they are actual thing things, like something someone could physically benefit from, or just to be supportive. When I try to be there for someone, or do something for someone and they reject it, it really stings.

I know I can’t control the actions of other people, and I’m responsible for my own happiness. I don’t often let people in on things that are bothering me. I either internalize them, or occasionally I come here and complain because nobody reads this. I like to help people, but I don’t like to reach out for help. If I ask for help with something, it’s usually skill related, like I need advice or help fixing some “thing” around the house that I don’t fully understand. I don’t usually tell people the stuff that scare me or upset me. Then everything boils up and I act weird around people because I really need to talk but am afraid to say, “hey, I need someone to talk to” because I’m a) afraid they’ll say no, and b) I don’t like letting people into my carefully constructed walls because that just leads to me getting hurt. Especially when I reach out to them and they won’t reach back.

I don’t know if this is making any sense. I don’t really care if it isn’t. I just want it out there. If you’ve ever been in a crowded room, a room with friends and family even, and just felt so completely and utterly alone, then you know how I feel.

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Reboot Month 1

A month ago, I decided it was past time to start making some changes in my life. While I’ve been feeling like a lot of things are out of my control, there are plenty of things that I do have control over, and I was not tending to them properly. Basically, I’ve been doing a shit job of taking care of myself. So lets check in, shall we? I’m going to rate each area on a scale of 1-5 (1 being “not really doing it” and 5 being “doing freaking awesome”).

Move it move it: My goal was to walk at least three days a week, and do yoga five days a week. While I was a bit slow on out of the gate with the yoga, the walking came much easier than I expected. I go first thing in the morning, and find I’m able to mostly ignore the heat and humidity. I’ve been walking five days a week, and doing yoga at least that many, if not six. I’m giving myself a 5 out of 5.

Clean my plate: My diet was atrocious, I was eating too much junk and craving junk. I wasn’t eating meals a lot of the time. Instead I was just mindlessly snacking and then eating dinner. While there’s still definite room for improvement, my goal was to eat more vegetables and fruit every day, and I’m feeling really good about that. I’ve also just cut back on junk in general. The days that I cook for myself, I’ve been leaning towards vegetarian meals. I feel like I could be balancing things a bit better, but I’m off to a good start. I’m going with 4 out of 5.

Honey do: I’ve been making small amounts of progress here and there. Part of the problem has been not having an actual physical list of things I need to do, and instead just keeping a mental inventory. I fixed that this morning, and started writing down some actual things to cross off. Still, even with my haphazard, unorganized approach, I’ve managed to get a few things done that have been nagging at me. Lets go with 3.5 out of 5.

Write like a writer who writes: Ha. Yeah. I said every day, then I said five times a week in the same paragraph on that one. Can’t really say I’ve been doing either. Most of the writing I’ve been doing is kind of free flowing “I need to get these thoughts out of my head” private journaling, but it’s not as frequent as I would like, which is bizarre because I often feel better after I write that stuff down.  I can improve here for sure, so 2 out of 5.

Mini mental vacations: While I’ve been taking some time most days, it hasn’t been every day. The days I do something guided, it’s usually longer than a simple five minutes. When I get back from my walks in the morning, I could very easily use my cooling off time to just take a five minute mental break. I just need to set a timer or something. I do spend a decent amount of time reading every day, which keeps my mind focused on one thing, but reading time is reading time, and I don’t want to cross the two activities. What I need to do is learn to quiet and focus my mind when I’m feeling most frazzled. Going to give this one 2.5 out of 5.

Earn my explorer badge: The vague one, because I didn’t want to limit myself in what would be considered a new adventure. So how am I going to grade myself? Ah, hindsight.  I’ve been getting out of the house more, been to a few new places, tried some new activities (and one old one that now feels extremely foreign). I’ve been trying new recipes. I’ve been trying new routes I was previously afraid to take on my morning walks. I read a book I wouldn’t have chosen on my own (and LOVED IT). I feel really good with this category.  Points me 4 out of 5. 

Overall, I’m feeling really good. The exercise especially, I think, has made a huge difference. I’m sleeping MUCH better, my anxiety hasn’t been as bad. I feel stronger physically and I’ve been a bit happier in general. I think I made a good choice starting this. I’ll check in again with this in a months time. Meanwhile, I’ll try to post something other than just pictures.

 

For crying out loud

Sometimes I really feel like I need to cry, but I can’t.

Sometimes I don’t want to cry, but I do anyway.

Sometimes I start crying and have no damn idea why.

Kitten rescue videos always make me cry.

Movies that I think will make me cry often don’t.

I fully expect to cry through most of The Last Jedi.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade makes me cry.

I often wish I was one of those people that didn’t cry easily.

Sometimes I’m glad I’m able to cry easily.

Crying is never easy, really.

It all ends in tears, anyway, right?