I went to a Halloween thing at a metaphysical store, and had a mini Reiki session. One of the things the practitioner told me was that my throat chakra was blocked, and I should work on expressing myself more, saying what I’m feeling or thinking. Its not the first time I’ve been told that, and its totally true. I don’t open up about things that much anymore. I used to have someone to talk to, but now I don’t, so I just don’t talk about how I feel or what I’m thinking.
I wish I had something delightful to share, but I don’t. This is my blog, I should, as I have in the past, be able to post about anything, but lately I edit myself. A lot. Several blog posts have been started and deleted because I don’t know how to say what I want and need to say without sounding like a whiny bitch. When I don’t edit myself and go on a free for all, I feel like I should go back and delete the post because there are enough people complaining about insignificant stuff on the internet (Starbucks cups, anyone?). Its an ugly circle. But today I’m going to embrace my inner whiny bitch and just get some of it out.
I’m constantly tired and that’s putting me in a pretty poor mood. My closer friends have stopped talking to me, so I must be pretty miserable to be around or even text with. Zach is super busy with his new position at work and the Magic season starting, not that it should be his job to entertain me. He’s an adult with friends and a future, and I want him to take full advantage of that. Sidebar–I was watching Hemlock Grove to see if it was at all like the book (season one is a weird perversion of it), and a character said of being a single mom to a son that when they’re growing up, you feel like you’re all that they have, but when they grow up, you realize they are all YOU have, and that IS SO THE TRUTH–end sidebar. I don’t feel like I can talk to Jon anymore. My nerves are so raw that I’m snapping at him about shit on just about a daily basis, so I just don’t talk to him much at all. Besides, anything I do say goes in one ear and out the other within a matter of seconds, and repeating myself gets as old as the “I’m forgetful” excuse.
Aside from generally feeling shitty physically and being in a lousy mood, I’m not sleeping well because I’m having completely fucked up dreams. Chloe wakes me up in the morning after a short, fitful night, then I usually take a fitful nap. I’m not eating well anymore. I’m not getting any exercise because I don’t have the energy or desire to move. My thoughts revolve around regrets and loss. I can think of so many things I should have would have could have done differently. I can’t stop thinking about the people I’ve lost. I miss my parents. I’ve never been a super optimistic type, but the hole I’m in is deeper than usual. I’ve fallen and I don’t know how to get back up because the support system I thought I had is gone. Its nobodies fault but my own. I’ve made the decisions to put myself here. Yes, there are things that other people did or did not do that have made some things go differently than planned, but in reality, I can trace the mistakes I’ve made way way WAY back, and it seems like those mistakes were made when I was feeling some optimistic about my abilities or the future. Its no wonder I stray away from optimism.
I don’t really know where else to go with this. I could say a lot more, but I feel like I’ve said enough.