I fell asleep around 12:30 and was awake again at 3:30 because I was hot, thirsty, and had to pee. It’s now almost 6am and I’m still awake. My mind won’t shut down, I can’t get comfortable. As soon as I see a little sunlight, I’m going to pop in my workout and just start my day.
My routine has become get up early, work out, have breakfast, take a shower, then whatever. Sometimes I take a nap because even though I’m getting more physical activity in every day, I’m still not getting a good nights sleep. Usually its five hours. And the ridiculous thing is I take ambien! That’s supposed to help you sleep for eight hours. I figure today if I just get up and go about my business, I’ll definitely want a nap, so maybe I can take one early in the day.
I’ve been on this schedule/routine for three weeks now and its paid off. I’ve lost six pounds and gained some muscle/strength. Today I’m going to start a three day Shakeology cleanse, which I’m hoping will help me drop a few extra this week. As moody and tired as I am its probably not the best time, but because of things, it just works out this week. Things being Jon. He has no idea how to manage his time and school work. He has a project due next week that he’s had for a couple of weeks. He’s worked on it some, but now he has to shut me out for a week so he can focus and get it done. I don’t know why I’m upset. I’m used to this bullshit in some form. This is just the first time he’s basically told me he’s shutting me out.
Otherwise things have been kind of, eh, things. After my dad’s fall and break, he tried to do things as normally as possible. Then he just gave up and went downhill. He fell twice in one week, resulting in me calling for help. The second time he agreed to go to the hospital and get help. He had an infection, most likely from the break, and low potassium, so they kept him for a few days. After that they recommended time in a rehab center. He agreed. I chose the one my mom had been in because they have a great therapy department. I just didn’t think about how hard it was going to be for me to go there since the last time I went was when my mom passed. They’ve made major upgrades, and the place looks different, but there’s still that familiar feeling. I’ve been having to send Zach to see my dad.
I know that’s part of what is draining me emotionally. I rely on Jon for emotional support since I don’t have many other people, and now I’ve just had that yanked away. I guess that’s why I’m so raw. Its just another reminder you can’t rely on anyone but yourself. I just need to rebuild that emotional wall so things aren’t so damn close to my heart. I’m the only person that will be there for me all of the time.
There’s other incredible crap going on too, but I don’t feel like getting into it. Time to wake up, work out, and try to distance myself from my feelings.