Tough month

I hate May.

I’ve been an emotional wreck all month. The 25th will mark two years since my mom passed away, the 18th was her birthday, and with the addition of Mothers day, its all a lot to handle. I started getting sad just before Mothers day. I started crying every day and just barely functioning. I’ve been clinging to Jon because I’m so scared of being alone and feeling weak. I’m sure he’s nuts by now, he just won’t admit it.

He encouraged me to make a to do list of things that need to be done around the house and I’m overwhelmed by it. There’s so much. I haven’t been keeping up with things. Along with that the house needs big repairs like a new roof, paint, some plumbing work. Thinking about all of that makes me cry more and drives me into anxiety attacks. Obviously I’m not really getting anything done.

I did go camping with Jon and his friend last weekend. Well, his friend didn’t really stick around so it became more like the two of us. It was an ok experience. It was nice to get away but I didn’t really relax much. Plus I feel really guilty because my dad drove Zach nuts all weekend, and I probably should have been with my family on my mom’s birthday. I was also looking forward to geocaching while out there, but Jon’s friend was so against it we didn’t do any. Plus I don’t think Jon really enjoys doing it with me. He’s been doing it for years and I think I’ve infringed on something that was “his” in a way.

I’m not getting exercise in. My back is messed up. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow provided I wake up for the appointment. I haven’t been eating well, I haven’t had much of an appetite. This weekend I ate so much junk. I feel like crap for it.

Enough whining. Just needed to vent somewhere.

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