Last weekend Jon and I went to Lecanto to visit his dad for a St. Patricks day bbq. I know Jon isn’t terribly close to his family, particularly his dad, so since we got the invitation last month, I’ve told him it was completely up to him whether we went or not. Anyways, we went, and it made Jon completely miserable. He said in his own blog that the only reason he went was because it was important to me to “meet the family.” I am a little old fashioned, and being introduced to family does mean something to me. It shows acceptance. But this? I never wanted him to be unhappy. That’s the last thing I want. If I never met his dad because he didn’t want to see him I would have understood. Frankly, I was very nervous around his father, and didn’t quite know what to say. I had an opportunity to have a conversation with him, but I was too afraid and backed out. For the past week I’ve felt like the biggest jerk in the world. Jon says he doesn’t blame me, but its all there, written in black and white, or whatever colors his journal is. It makes me cry now, just thinking about it.

This weekend, as well as Saturday of last weekend, we spent a lot of time outdoors walking. Last weekend was the Winter Park sidewalk art festival. Its held along Park Ave. and the park that sits along side it. The oak pollen has been high lately, and being out a good part of the day breathing that made me wheeze. I think I kept Jon up most of the night because he kept talking to me, concerned about my breathing. I’ve been a little wheezy since. Maybe there is something else wrong, I don’t know, but I felt bad about wheezing so much. Also, every time we walk, I get extreme pain in my calves. Maybe too much laziness has led to muscle atrophy. I just don’t know, but it really sucks. 

I started something called Shakeology. Its a meal replacement shake with a ton of nutrients, antioxidant, adaptogens, etc. I feel like I’m still waiting for its full effect. The first week and a half I was going though detox, and that was rough. I enjoy drinking it. It feels very complete. I’m technically a Beach Body coach so if any of you are interested in their products or programs (Like Insanity or P90X) don’t hesitate to contact me,, and I’ll help you out. I feel like I can be a great coach. I’m very good at supporting people and encouraging them. I’m just not good at doing it for myself. I’ve got two fitness programs and fear of failure has stopped me from starting both of them. I have a good deal of weight to lose, and I know its not going to be easy at my age and fitness level. I wish I had somebody who was gentle and understanding of my fear to help motivate me. Actually I could really use that in several aspects of my life. But I want to get fit. I want to be healthy, I want to get things done. I’m just scared and don’t believe in myself. And when I hurt people I love, it makes me feel worse about myself.

So yeah. I’m having a kind of shit month. Hope yours is better.

One thought on “defeat

  1. Oh, Heather – go back and read your blogs from last year. from when you were mired in depression and stasis. You have come a really long way and I am very happy for you! just try one new thing every day in your exercises and if it doesn’t go great, BFD. You tried, and tomorrow will be better.
    I stuck a scale in my walk in closet and every morning before I dress I weigh. If the weight is stuck or up, I say “Well, I’ll do better today.” If my weight is down, I say “ROCKS! I will look hot today!” And I am still on the high side of a size 14 (between 14-16) so hot is relative. every day that I try I am getting closer to my goal. Every day that you try, you are too 🙂


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