Bad year already

Jon broke up with me last night. Apparently he’s wanted to for a while but has just been carrying me around as a burden instead. I can’t believe I was so stupid I didn’t see that. I really thought things were going well. I had no idea he felt that way. He says he still cares and wants to be my friend. I’m just shocked I was so stupid.

For six years I kept up a wall. I was all alone and I was fine with that. Then Hannah introduced me to Jon and things moved along. I eventually let that wall down and let him in. I had feelings and I thought they were being returned. I made such a big deal to include him in the holidays because he was important to me and I wanted him to feel like he belonged somewhere. He introduced me to his family and I thought that was a big step. All along he had his doubts.

I wish I knew exactly where I went wrong. He says I didn’t, but it had to be something. I was too fearful. I wasn’t outgoing enough. I didn’t make big changes in my life. I’m just not good enough how I am.

So the wall goes back up. All the things I was looking forward to doing with him have gone out the window. I’m far to fearful to go on trips on my own. I was especially looking forward to my birthday this Saturday but it will just be another one spent alone.

I hate 2013.

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One thought on “Bad year already

  1. Oh, Heather. Don’t close off, don’t give up, and don’t look for fault within yourself. Just be glad he figured out you two weren’t right for each other before you got so far down the road that it would pain you to be the one who has to say “It’s over.”
    I know it’s trite, but look at you and find something to love, even something little, every day. Take joy in the now, smile at people and the world just because it is better to be alive and have the chance to make more mistakes, make more perfections, laugh at your son’s jokes, and smile at Gordon Ramsey being an ass to someone. Just open up to everything. Let you become attracted to the person you are. Because you are pretty special.

    Like

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