Jon broke up with me last night. Apparently he’s wanted to for a while but has just been carrying me around as a burden instead. I can’t believe I was so stupid I didn’t see that. I really thought things were going well. I had no idea he felt that way. He says he still cares and wants to be my friend. I’m just shocked I was so stupid.
For six years I kept up a wall. I was all alone and I was fine with that. Then Hannah introduced me to Jon and things moved along. I eventually let that wall down and let him in. I had feelings and I thought they were being returned. I made such a big deal to include him in the holidays because he was important to me and I wanted him to feel like he belonged somewhere. He introduced me to his family and I thought that was a big step. All along he had his doubts.
I wish I knew exactly where I went wrong. He says I didn’t, but it had to be something. I was too fearful. I wasn’t outgoing enough. I didn’t make big changes in my life. I’m just not good enough how I am.
So the wall goes back up. All the things I was looking forward to doing with him have gone out the window. I’m far to fearful to go on trips on my own. I was especially looking forward to my birthday this Saturday but it will just be another one spent alone.
I hate 2013.