the good news

My dad had a CT scan last Friday and a doctors appointment regarding that scan today. We found out he is cancer free. This was not expected. The odds were against him going into radiation. They thought it would help, but not heal completely. The doctor called it nothing short of a miracle. My dad came home and celebrated with a cigarette.

I’m relieved, but I’m not as happy as I should be. Honestly, I’d rather have my mom back than have my dad cancer free. I know its not an option, obviously, but it would be my choice if I had one. I’m not that close with my dad. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t even like me that much. I was close to my mom. My dad and I haven’t been close since I was under the age of three. He went away to Germany and came back when I was seven. Suddenly I was a pariah. He thought it was “weird” to hug me or tell me he loved me. I only had that from my mom.

I guess this brings out such a spectrum of emotions because it was so unexpected. I fully expected to walk in and here that it helped, but the cancer was still there. That’s what we were set up to believe. Not that its a downer that the cancer is gone, but its such a shock. Not that it will stay away considering his current habits, but its more of a chance than they expected him to have. I don’t know what to do with the news, especially since he told me he only expected to live another year or two.

I feel like a horrible person for not celebrating this amazing thing. I guess life just has be down in the dumps, not expecting anything good to ever happen, so when it does, I don’t know how to react. Why could my dad be saved but my mom had to die? It doesn’t seem fair.

4 thoughts on “the good news

  1. I understand how you feel. Its not fucking fair and I don’t understand how the good people are taken away and not so good people are left.
    When my cousin, Chuck, passed away in February, I thought the same thing. I have several other cousins that are just no good so & so’s and it baffles me why they’re still here and he’s not.
    And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. That’s what hurts the most,.

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  2. Well maybe you can take this as a second chance to get to know your dad before his time is up. Obviously he has to be willing to do this, too, but perhaps you should take the opportunity to A) RELAX and not worry about running him all over town to Dr’s appointments for a change, and B) make peace with him and your relationship. And don’t feel guilty for your feelings- believe me, my sister used to feel the same way about our mother dying while our dad survived, so that part is definitely not as weird as you think (and my dad is great- so for her to wish that was a lot weirder). But don’t let it turn into regret.

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  3. I would never had thought he’d make it considering the lack of effort he put into the process.
    Celebrate that you don’t have to haul him all over anymore and after you’ve given him a short holiday from responsibility, tell him what you expect:respect, cooperation, and No Shit.

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