the good news

My dad had a CT scan last Friday and a doctors appointment regarding that scan today. We found out he is cancer free. This was not expected. The odds were against him going into radiation. They thought it would help, but not heal completely. The doctor called it nothing short of a miracle. My dad came home and celebrated with a cigarette.

I’m relieved, but I’m not as happy as I should be. Honestly, I’d rather have my mom back than have my dad cancer free. I know its not an option, obviously, but it would be my choice if I had one. I’m not that close with my dad. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t even like me that much. I was close to my mom. My dad and I haven’t been close since I was under the age of three. He went away to Germany and came back when I was seven. Suddenly I was a pariah. He thought it was “weird” to hug me or tell me he loved me. I only had that from my mom.

I guess this brings out such a spectrum of emotions because it was so unexpected. I fully expected to walk in and here that it helped, but the cancer was still there. That’s what we were set up to believe. Not that its a downer that the cancer is gone, but its such a shock. Not that it will stay away considering his current habits, but its more of a chance than they expected him to have. I don’t know what to do with the news, especially since he told me he only expected to live another year or two.

I feel like a horrible person for not celebrating this amazing thing. I guess life just has be down in the dumps, not expecting anything good to ever happen, so when it does, I don’t know how to react. Why could my dad be saved but my mom had to die? It doesn’t seem fair.