Its been a rainy few days here. Right now my son is out playing frisbee in the rain. You can imagine that I’m thrilled by this. I just don’t get it.
I went to the gym on Monday and my legs are still sore from the workout with the trainer. So sore, in fact, that I didn’t make my goal of going back every day to walk. Its getting a little better, maybe I’ll be able to go tomorrow. I’m in such an “I don’t care” mood that I probably won’t. I’ve got through the end of October with the trainer before the sessions run out. We’ve been with him since last July. I should have made progress by now.
This “I don’t care” attitude is pushing into other areas too. I told myself a couple of years ago that I’m getting too old for cutesy graphic tees, yet I just went and ordered several from Threadless. All I ever wear is jeans and t-shirts. I have nicer things to wear but I can’t be bothered. I don’t care how I present myself in public. I wish I did, but I just can’t. I don’t take myself seriously. I’ve got jewelry, I don’t wear it. I’ve got make-up, I barely use it. I do care what people think of me, but apparently not enough to look like I care about myself. Its a major confidence hurdle. Its also no wonder I haven’t had a date in 5 1/2 years.
So how do I turn the “I don’t care” into “I do care?” I cared about how I looked when I weighed less and was in shape. Maybe that’s the key. I just have to get off my ass and go to the gym more. I know exercise is supposed to help alleviate depression too so I know it would do me good. I just have so much trouble talking myself into doing it. It’s not like I’m that happy sitting around all day waiting for something to happen. But at the same time I don’t care enough to make anything happen.
I feel like I’m stuck between and rock and a hard place. Can anyone pull me out?