blog fail

There’s a pounding rain falling on the roof. I love that sound. Its so relaxing and refreshing. I wish I could record it and play it from speakers in the ceiling.

I think my dad is starting to feel the side effects of radiation. He’s tired and acts like he doesn’t feel well. He’s supposed to have two more weeks of it too. He’s been saying he’s not sure he’s going to make it. He’s coughing a lot too, which is an unsettling noise. Coughing through a hole in your throat, especially coughing hard, makes a very loud, eery sound. He’s smoking quite a bit. I just don’t get it.

I was looking over some blog posts from earlier this year. Much better written, they include pictures. I can’t remember the last time I picked up my camera. There’s nothing inspiring to me to photograph. I’m just not finding any pleasure in life or things I used to enjoy. Its hard to cook dinner because I can never think of anything. Really all I do these days is sit around. I’m in awful pain too. My back, my hips. Sometimes when I’m walking I get this twinge of pain in my back or hip and my leg goes numb. Probably not a good sign.

I had in mind a happier post the other day, but not I can’t remember what it was about. I’ll try to come up with something. I’mjust so not in the mood most of the time.

Hope you are well, dear readers.

2 thoughts on “blog fail

  1. I am so sorry things are still going so rough for you. It’s still so soon, but remember- your mom would want you, to quote Oprah (who I really don’t even like) to “live your best life.” I can tell you as a mom, and i know you know this as a mom too, that if it were you, you’d want your son ( and I’d want my daughter) to move on and have an amazing life of their own. If you’re concerned about the strange pains, maybe go to your doctor. It could just be from stress, so maybe try walking or something? Do you live near a beach you can walk along? A touristy area? Just to get out there and get some new scenery would probably help a lot. When my sister died and I needed to think I’d skip class and just ride the bus around San Francisco for fun (which you’d never do in your right mind because it’s disgusting), or I’d walk aimlessly through Chinatown (which is kind of fun even when you’re not depressed). But it did help to see new things and take my mind off of my sadness. Once we went over a bump on the bus and this guy’s pants fell down (no boxers!). Not exactly the new experience I’d wanted, but i certainly forgot about my sister for a bit!

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  2. Heather – you MUST take care of yourself. And you need to start looking for beauty, a mistake we often make is that we just “view,” we don’t really “look” at all we see. Next time it rains at your house, go out right after and really look at the way rain is on grass. Look at the way the colors are, the prisms sunlight creates in the water droplets that remain on grass leaves. Take your camera and be glad you can see.

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