stops and starts

My dad quit radiation. He had a week to go. The doctor wants to see him to discuss possible ways they could finish it off, but I don’t know that there will be any changing of his mind. The side effects have gotten really bad. His face and neck are swollen, he’s coughing up blood and clots, he’s exhausted, he’s got a “sunburn.” I’m playing phone tag with the doctors office so I don’t know if he’ll be seen tomorrow or not. We all know how I feel about the radiation while he’s still smoking, but that’s beside the point.

Zach has started college. He’s taking speech, psychology, intermediate algebra, and student success. He has psychology and speech with the same professors I had. My speech professor remembers me, but then again, I had three classes with her, and was in the drama club she runs. Zach also got season tickets for UCF’s football games at UCF student price, which makes it $10 per game. He’s going to love that. I think the first game is Saturday, so he’ll probably be gone tailgating for the day.

I counted it out and its been seven weeks since I went and planned the plaque for my parents. Apparently it takes 6-8 weeks but possibly 8-12. If I don’t hear something by next week I may go over there and see if its up, because she said they’re often up before she receives word to contact the family. Just means mom’s urn gets to spend a little more time with me. This month the 25th came and went, and on the 27th I realized I hadn’t dwelled on it being three months that she’s been gone. I’m not sure what that means. Also, Zach came across a photo album of pictures he’d taken with his Fisher Price camera when he was little. There are several pictures of my mom, looking healthy and happy. It has been a long time since I’ve seen her that way.

I’m trying to resolve to get myself back to the gym. I’ve definitely gained weight over the summer and that does not make me happy or comfortable. The last time I went to the gym was the beginning of July, and its not like I’ve been an active person who can miss the gym every once in a while. Also, living on Reese’s mini’s and Coke Zero all day really needs to be addressed as well. A nice, healthy trip to the grocery is in order.

With September a day away, I’m really wanting to replant my herb garden. I know the weather isn’t going to be pleasant yet but it feels like a good time to start. Plus that will get me outside so I can get some vitamin D and fresh air. Plus I’ll have herbs to cook with. I want to plant some flower seeds too, that I’d gotten to plant in the spring. I just have to weed out an area to plant them, which could mean facing the feared lubber grasshopper. Seriously, I hate those things.




My 200th post. Its only taken me a couple of years to get here. Most of that in the past year. I’m happy to have a few readers now, and other blogs to read. I need to comment more. Remind me to do that.

Things have been going alright this week. On Sunday I scrubbed the bathroom to within and inch of its life. That’s the first physical work I’ve done in a while and it felt good. I’ve gotten out of bed and gotten dressed every day. My allergies have been driving me nuts so I haven’t done a lot, but I have gone out a couple of times. Went with Zach to buy his school books. Really hoping the financial aid comes through. Book prices are insane! I checked on Amazon and didn’t find them any cheaper there. Ugh.

I was thinking today that I haven’t heard from the cemetery about the plaque for my mom. It seems like its been six weeks. Maybe its only been four. I guess it was the end of July when I planned it. We’ll have to wait a week or so into September to have her in-urned, because my dad is going to need a little time to recover from radiation. They told him he would be finished before the side effects kicked in. They lied. He’s feeling really crummy and his mood is draining. He’s got one more week to go. It seems like its always one more week.

Hurricane Irene is beginning her pass by the state. Its been windy today and we had one “squally” storm pass through this afternoon. Seemed to drop a lot of rain in a short time. I guess we might get more tomorrow.

I’ve been watching way too much Food Network, yet I’m not inspired to cook. Part of it is hating my kitchen, part of it is laziness. I’m collecting recipes like crazy but not actually trying any of them out. Not that this is new for me. I think I need to get in the kitchen and make some changes. Clean it up, get rid of stuff that’s clogging the cabinets. Possibly get a six burner gas stove? Yeah that’s a pipe dream.

Hope you all are well.

blog fail

There’s a pounding rain falling on the roof. I love that sound. Its so relaxing and refreshing. I wish I could record it and play it from speakers in the ceiling.

I think my dad is starting to feel the side effects of radiation. He’s tired and acts like he doesn’t feel well. He’s supposed to have two more weeks of it too. He’s been saying he’s not sure he’s going to make it. He’s coughing a lot too, which is an unsettling noise. Coughing through a hole in your throat, especially coughing hard, makes a very loud, eery sound. He’s smoking quite a bit. I just don’t get it.

I was looking over some blog posts from earlier this year. Much better written, they include pictures. I can’t remember the last time I picked up my camera. There’s nothing inspiring to me to photograph. I’m just not finding any pleasure in life or things I used to enjoy. Its hard to cook dinner because I can never think of anything. Really all I do these days is sit around. I’m in awful pain too. My back, my hips. Sometimes when I’m walking I get this twinge of pain in my back or hip and my leg goes numb. Probably not a good sign.

I had in mind a happier post the other day, but not I can’t remember what it was about. I’ll try to come up with something. I’mjust so not in the mood most of the time.

Hope you are well, dear readers.


I’ve been doing a bit better the past few days. I’ve been waking up around the same time, going to bed at roughly the same time. I still wake up a bunch in the middle of the night but whatever. Maybe that will go away eventually.

My dad, however, is being a whiny pain. I know you wonder how someone who can’t speak can be whiny but its in the faces the makes and the tone he writes in. He didn’t go to radiation today because he said he was sick to his stomach. He keeps telling them he doesn’t think he can make it all the way through. I have no idea what he’s going to do at this point. If he quits, I don’t really care because since he’s smoking, it doesn’t seem he minds if the cancer comes back.

Zach is all signed up for fall semester classes. He starts on August 29th. I don’t know which one of us is more freaked out. He’s taking speech from the same professor I took speech with, and psychology with the same teacher I had, so I know he’ll have a couple of good classes.

bad week

Last week was a real black hole for me. I was exhausted and my sleep schedule was all messed up. I took my dad to radiation on Monday but Zach took him the rest of the week because I was so bleary and tired. On Tuesday I was dizzy and spaced out, still not sure why.

No matter what time I went to bed, I would wake up around 5am and not be able to fall asleep again until I took a nap that afternoon, and sometimes evening. I know that didn’t help my sleep. On Saturday I managed to stay awake most of the day, so when I went to bed that night I slept (aside from waking up every hour) and I also slept all day and in the evening, but I still managed to sleep through the night and woke up around 9-something. Hopefully I can keep this schedule.

I’m really hoping this month just slips by. I’m so tired of summer, not that September is suddenly cooler and fall like. That doesn’t really happen until October, but still, there’s something settling to my mind when its September. Its like I can see the finish line of summer. I totally live in the wrong state.

This week I’m going to try to catch up with chores that have fallen by the wayside, starting with the house. I need to clean clean clean. I’m catching up on laundry today. There’s a forest of weeds that need to be pulled, too. The garage that I cleaned up a bit last year needs attention again.

I’m really missing my mom lately. There are so many things I hear and think “Oh, I need to tell mom about that” and then I remember she’s gone. That played a lot into my week last week. I was feeling incredibly heartbroken. I still am, and imagine I will be for quite a while. It’s been just over two months but I feel like I’ve been missing her for much longer.

hysteria and sleep

I feel like shit. Not going to mince words here. Sorry if you don’t like a potty mouth. After several days of barely sleeping I slept for 18 hours yesterday. That of course meant I couldn’t sleep last night. Along with being tired I’m dizzy and having trouble staying focused. The trouble focusing makes sense but the dizziness, I’m beginning to think my brains are fried. Its probably from my sinuses, as messed up as they’ve been.

I’m pretty much a hysterical, stressed out mess. I’ll start crying out of nowhere, and then I just keep crying. I’ve been keeping myself in the house as much as possible. Not a good way to be dealing with the public. I took my dad to his radiation on Monday, and to see the doctor. He flat out lied and told them he wasn’t smoking. I should have called him out but I was drained, feeling sick, and not really wanting to get smacked in the head later.

I need some sort of normalcy in my life. I need this cancer treatment fiasco (which he’s not even sure he’s going to complete) to be over. I need a time to get up and a time to go to bed. I need set things I do during the day. I need to take complete days where I just leave the house and don’t come back for several hours. I just need everything to change, which is absolutely impossible.

I just feel like I can’t take much more.