I hadn’t slept well for a few nights, so I slept for almost 15 hours before I was woken up today. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I’ve been sitting in bed since I was woken up (woke up with a nasty headache) and now my butt is sore. You’d think I’d at least get off of it and move around a bit. Nope. Too lazy.
I finished reading The Great Gatsby the other night. Good book. The ending was a surprise to me. I never read it in high school, obviously. I didn’t read much in high school. Never had to. Then I read Twenties Girl by Sophie Kinsella. I’m kind of a sucker for chick lit. I guess I find some comfort in knowing it will all be good in the end. Its my guilty pleasure. I read Twenties Girl one night I couldn’t sleep. That’s the problem with me and reading–sometimes I’ll get so sucked into a book I can’t put it down. I would read all of the time but I eventually run into a book that slows me down, and I can’t finish it. I don’t like to have too many books going at once so I’ll quit reading for a while. The last book to stall me was Eat Pray Love sometime last year. I still haven’t finished it. Haven’t seen the movie either. I’ll pick it up and finish it, maybe after the vampire romance novel I started yesterday. Yes, another guilty pleasure.
The life insurance money for my mother came so we can finally pay off the cemetery and have her placed in her niche. I now find myself with mixed feelings about it. At first it really upset me that we couldn’t “lay her to rest” right away, that she’d have to be in limbo at home until it was paid off. I always thought it strange that people would keep a loved ones ashes in their home, it just didn’t make sense why someone would want that reminder to look at every day. Now I think I have a better understanding because I’m having a hard time with the thought of letting her go, and leaving her alone at the cemetery. That probably sounds strange, and I know its just another way for me to try to deny that she’s gone at all. Her ashes aren’t in my room, they’re in my dad’s room, but there’s some sort of comfort knowing she’s there. Well, she’s not really. No, it doesn’t make sense what I’m feeling. I just know I’m having a hard time letting go. I’m all mixed up.
I’ve got to make myself a to-do list and actually do stuff. There are so many errands that need to be run, things around the house that need tending to. My dad’s radiation treatment starts this Wednesday so I need to get moving and start getting some things done before that cuts into my time. I feel overwhelmed with the things I need to do and the feelings I’m dealing with. I feel like I’m in such a slump.