two months, one day

I opened wordpress to find I had 21 spam comments to get rid of. I don’t know why they suddenly shot up like that. Twitter bots, probably, since I have it automatically post to twitter, and I’ve got a bunch of spam bots following me, or at least I consider them spam bots when they are “offering a service” not relevant to my interests. Guess I should do some blocking.

It’s been two months and one day since my mom passed. It feels like she’s been gone so much longer with all of that hospital and nursing home time. The time that she’s actually been gone blends with that in my mind.  Today I went to set up my dads pre-paid cremation. I’ll still have to pay for the urn but the bulk of it will be taken care of (provided he doesn’t die before its paid off). She was trying to talk me into doing mine, or at least reserving a spot next to my parents, but, besides not having the money, I’m not quite ready to do that. I’m guessing they get a commission for each pre-pay they sell. I mean, pre-pay is a good idea and I plan to do it, just not today.

Speaking of google+, you can find me there if you’d like. I kind of like it. Its different from facebook and twitter. I like how I can divide people into circles and then only bug knitting people with knitting babble, or you know, whatever. Or if I just want to read what my non-knitting people are doing, I can do that.

My dad’s radiation is going to be through most of August. They moved his time from 5pm to 10:20am, so no more rush hour through downtown. I’m good with that, but would rather it be a little later. Just because I’m lazy.

I really need to clean the house. I was out picking stuff up and just straightening and doing a little dusting but I had to stop because my sinuses went nuts. I can manage to keep up with the laundry on a weekly basis, but not the house. I don’t know why that is. I can’t stand dust and clutter (well, the clutter never gets that bad). My eyes are still itchy.

rough week

I haven’t posted since last Friday. I didn’t realize it had been that long, even though this week drug by so slowly.

My dad finally got started on his radiation on Tuesday. His time is 5pm, but hopefully by the middle of next week he’ll get moved to 10:20am. I’d rather get it out of the way early than deal with rush hour traffic downtown, even if I don’t like getting up. This has been a bad week for sleep. I just don’t fall asleep until 5 or 6am, then I’m so draggy the rest of the day.

I’ve been kind of emotional this week over a lot of things. That hasn’t helped my sleeping either because its usually late in the evening when I get upset. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so raw. I did go to the cemetery to design the plaque for my parents niche. It wasn’t that big of a deal, not a lot of space to work with. My dad decided to pre-pay his cremation so I’m taking care of that this coming Tuesday. Fun stuff.

I didn’t sleep at all last night so I’m pretty wiped out now. I’d take a nap but I’ve got laundry going. Ah well.

frustration

Getting my dad started on radiation has proved to be tricky. The first day he was supposed to go was Wednesday. I’d been given crappy directions and we couldn’t find the place. They rescheduled for Thursday and we made it. It was at a really crappy time-6pm-and is going to continue to be late afternoon/evening until someone finishes and they can give him a different time slot.

Anyhoo, Thursday he went back to get his treatment. Part of radiation is having the machine be precise, so they have to do a scan first and then line up the machine, then zap him. Through all of this he has to wear some kind of mesh mask that was fitted to his head and face to keep him from moving. Apparently the mask made him very anxious so they didn’t manage to get a treatment in yesterday. His doctor came over to talk to him about what they could do to alleviate the tension. They’re cutting the nose section out of the mask and giving him anti-anxiety meds to take before the treatment. We go back Monday to try it again. If he still freaks out, I don’t know what they’ll do. The doctor said he could talk to a psychologist who could give him breathing and relaxation exercises, but I don’t know that my dad would go for that. Of course, he could surprise me, but I think he’d sooner op out of the radiation.

I went and paid off the rest of the property at the cemetery. I still have to meet with someone over there to plan what’s going on the front of the niche. I’m feeling a little more at ease about it. I want her to have a final place to stay. Right now she’s tipped on her side buried under her teddy bears. Not ideal. I had a place I put her that I felt was safe and sound but my dad had to go and move her. It also makes me feel better to know I’ll have a place to put my dad when he passes, since I bought the space for two. That way if he doesn’t pre-pay his cremation, that’s all I’ll have to take care of. It sucks that I have to think about it that way.

This week has gone by pretty quickly. In fact this month is moving right alone. I hope it keeps up the pace its going at, because I’m quite enjoying not having it drag by. I’ve been keeping up my reading, which is a nice escape. I’m currently reading a book called Apart From the Crowd by Anna McPartlin. She’s an Irish author ,and one of my favorites. This one is going to take me longer than a day to get through, too. Then I suppose I’ll keep plowing through books as I have several that I haven’t read.

If anyone out there knows anything about mid-century and vintage costume jewelry, let me know. I’ve got a bunch of it from my grandmother and great-grandmother that I’d like to sell. I was thinking of selling it on Etsy, but if Ebay would be better, let me know that too. Thank you!

lazy on a Sunday

I hadn’t slept well for a few nights, so I slept for almost 15 hours before I was woken up today. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I’ve been sitting in bed since I was woken up (woke up with a nasty headache) and now my butt is sore. You’d think I’d at least get off of it and move around a bit. Nope. Too lazy.

I finished reading The Great Gatsby the other night. Good book. The ending was a surprise to me. I never read it in high school, obviously. I didn’t read much in high school. Never had to. Then I read Twenties Girl by Sophie Kinsella. I’m kind of a sucker for chick lit. I guess I find some comfort in knowing it will all be good in the end. Its my guilty pleasure. I read Twenties Girl one night I couldn’t sleep. That’s the problem with me and reading–sometimes I’ll get so sucked into a book I can’t put it down. I would read all of the time but I eventually run into a book that slows me down, and I can’t finish it. I don’t like to have too many books going at once so I’ll quit reading for a while. The last book to stall me was Eat Pray Love sometime last year. I still haven’t finished it. Haven’t seen the movie either. I’ll pick it up and finish it, maybe after the vampire romance novel I started yesterday. Yes, another guilty pleasure.

The life insurance money for my mother came so we can finally pay off the cemetery and have her placed in her niche. I now find myself with mixed feelings about it. At first it really upset me that we couldn’t “lay her to rest” right away, that she’d have to be in limbo at home until it was paid off.  I always thought it strange that people would keep a loved ones ashes in their home, it just didn’t make sense why someone would want that reminder to look at every day. Now I think I have a better understanding because I’m having a hard time with the thought of letting her go, and leaving her alone at the cemetery. That probably sounds strange, and I know its just another way for me to try to deny that she’s gone at all. Her ashes aren’t in my room, they’re in my dad’s room, but there’s some sort of comfort knowing she’s there. Well, she’s not really. No, it doesn’t make sense what I’m feeling. I just know I’m having a hard time letting go. I’m all mixed up.

I’ve got to make myself a to-do list and actually do stuff. There are so many errands that need to be run, things around the house that need tending to. My dad’s radiation treatment starts this Wednesday so I need to get moving and start getting some things done before that cuts into my time. I feel overwhelmed with the things I need to do and the feelings I’m dealing with. I feel like I’m in such a slump.

early

I was up at 7:20 today to take my dad to his rehab swallow study. He can swallow soft foods like pudding and applesauce, and should be able to do anything that can be mashed with a fork soon. There’s still a mass in his throat but its gotten smaller. It means he doesn’t need to spit all the time.

the life insurance money for my mom finally came. My dad agreed to use some of the money to pay off the “property” at the cemetery, so we’ll be able to place my mom there. I think that’s another step I need to progress with the mourning process. Lately I’ve been tearful and just really feeling down. I keep hearing about things and thinking “I should tell mom that,” then remembering she’s gone. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me.

I’m so tired. I was going to come home and do laundry and clean the house. I got the laundry started, but I just don’t feel like cleaning. My allergies have been acting up anyway, and I’m sore from the gym. I know, I’m full of excuses.

4th of July

This is not my favorite holiday. I don’t like all of the noise. I used to like it when I was a kid. We lived on an Air Force base and every year they did fireworks on the unused portion of the flight line. It was nice because we could walk to it and then walk home, so there was no association with traffic delays. We used to go as a family until I was a teenager. We spent one 4th in Kentucky with my dad’s side of the family. That was the first time I ever got to hold a sparkler. The 4th was fun when Zach was a kid too. We still grilled something and had salads. My mom was still healthy and my dad would join us in the driveway for “fireworks.”

I think part of my most recent dislike for the holiday has to do with the fact that its a holiday for friends and family, having a gathering of some sort. I don’t have that anymore. I don’t have anyone to get together with except for Zach, who has friends to go spend time with. After my mom got sicker there was just no reason to do much of anything special. I detest spending the day in the kitchen making loads of potato salad and pasta salad. I don’t have the patience I guess. Plus I didn’t see any reason to celebrate because my mom being sick with kidney failure kind of tore up the family unit. Now this year, my mom’s not even around to complain about the lack of potato salad. Plus Zach isn’t going to be home this evening.

Right now I’m sitting with Zach watching the Hoarders marathon on A&E. This show makes me feel like a neat freak. I actually managed to get myself moving yesterday and cleaned my room (except for vacuuming because the cat wouldn’t leave, and I didn’t want to disturb her because I’m a sap). I was going to clean more of the house but The Two Towers was on, followed by Return of the King, and I’m a sucker for those movies. Then on Sunday nights, for some unknown reason, I’ve started watching The Next Food Network Star. None of the contestants are interesting, and the show usually drags on, but I stick around to see who gets voted off the island, and what kind of drama Penny stirs up. So the house still sits waiting to be dusted and vacuumed. Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully there won’t be any interesting “marathons” on TV. I’m not watching the Casey Anthony trial, so that won’t distract me.

I’m most disappointed that Rafa did not win Wimbledon. I like Novak, but not as much as I like Rafa. There, now you know.

 

radiation

My dad had three appointments at MD Anderson this week. One with the radiation oncologist, one with his chemo oncologist, and one for radiation prep and a scan. The radiation doctor gave him the same options he gave him a few months ago-6-7 weeks of radiation for a less than 50% chance of beating it, 3-4 weeks of radiation to keep the cancer in check, or do nothing. My dad chose the 3-4 weeks. He’ll go five days a week for about 15 minutes each time. He starts on the 11th. He’ll see the doctor every Monday after radiation just to check in.

Its going to be a long few weeks with lots of driving. I can’t say I’m looking forward to that but my dad needs to do what my dad needs to do. Of course, if he’d one this after the first surgery, we wouldn’t be doing it now, but that point is moot. Zach is going to learn how to get there and back too so I don’t have to drive every day. He’s not doing anything else this summer, so he can at least do that.

I’m still not getting anything done, spending most of my time in bed watching tv or screwing around on the computer. I just don’t have the energy or the drive to do anything else. I’m wondering if it could be from a medication change. I may need to go back to my old dose. My sleeping habits are really messed up too.

I can’t believe its July. The year is half over already. That’s fine with me, really, because I can’t say this has been a good year. Of course with the heat the next few months will feel like they’re dragging by. Its been rainy all week. I wish the entire summer could be like that. Rainy days are cooler and calmer. Maybe I should move to the Pacific northwest. Rain suits me. But I hate earthquakes. What’s a girl to do?