Today its been a month since my mother passed. I’ve been pretty upset all day. I’m now realizing than its been longer than normal since I last saw her. Plus my dad is going through and making so many changes and getting rid of so much stuff. I feel like there’s going to be very little of my mom left by the time he’s done. He’s also moving stuff around so that the house feels different. Its a lot to take in.
Add to that the fact that we’re practically broke. Since I’ve been paying the bills while he’s been “too sick” to deal with everyday household functions, it is now my fault that money is so tight. So add that stress on top of just the stress of the day. Plus, he’s started smoking again. The doctor (surgeon, that is) told him on Thursday that he thought there was a good chance of knocking the cancer out with radiation. We haven’t heard from the radiation specialist yet as to what he thinks the odds are now. A couple of months ago he said aggressive radiation had a 20% chance of knocking it out, and my dad didn’t want to do aggressive radiation. Not very good chances, anyway. It has shrunk more since then but I would be really surprised if he gave it 100% chance. He’s supposed to see the radiology oncologist on Thursday. I’m tempted not to take him with this smoking thing. How fucking stupid can he be? Complain about money and then go out and buy cigarettes, the LAST thing he should be touching?
I just don’t know what to do with myself right now. I feel so horrible about so many things. There are so many things I should be doing instead of sitting here crying, but I can’t bring myself to do anything. I feel like a rotten sore on my families back. I feel useless.