I don’t know

I haven’t posted in several days. I’ve just kind of been hovering through life with only an interest in sleeping. Maybe I’m depressed. I can’t tell anymore. Sometimes tears well up in my eyes when I think about things but they don’t always come out. Its not very cathartic.

Yesterday we picked up my moms cremated remains. They said I could wait to pick them up until the death certificates came in, which should be tomorrow, but I couldn’t just leave her there. I felt like I spent the last six months just leaving her in places, whether it was the hospital or the nursing/rehab home. Maybe at some point I should have put my foot down and said “its time for her to come home.” Maybe things would have turned out differently. I don’t know. She probably would have still needed the surgery on her leg, though, at that’s what left her bedridden. I just don’t know. I have to wonder if I could have prevented this. Or maybe it was just her time to go. Like I said, I haven’t even seen the death certificate to know what cause of death was yet. I just don’t know, but I feel like I should have/could have done something and maybe she would still be here.

All the way home with her ashes I cradled them in my lap. I couldn’t set them on the floor of the car, or in the backseat. I felt like I owed it to her to hold them in my lap. Now “she” is sitting on my dresser. I’m surprisingly calm about it. You’d think I’d be freaked out or creeped out, but its just like its any wooden box. I didn’t like any of the “urn” urns, so I picked out the same kind of box my grandparents are each in. Maybe that’s why I’m ok. I’ve seen both of my grandparents boxes, so I knew what to expect. I don’t know.

I just don’t know anything anymore. Someone asks me a question and I don’t have an answer. Ask me how I feel, I don’t know. No, I do know. Empty. Everything feels empty and like it makes no sense. I cooked for two last night. That’s the first time I’ve cooked and cut things down so it would just be for two. Do you know how many people recipes usually feed? Four. I only have to cook for two, so I’m going to be doing a lot of cutting down here in the future. Yes, I still have stuff to go through. I still have feelings to sort out. Why isn’t there a how-to book for all of this? I could really use one right now. Something to tell me why I feel what I feel and what I should do about it. Something that tells me why I’m not crying like I feel like I should be. Am I still in shock? I don’t know.

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2 thoughts on “I don’t know

  1. It sounds like you may be depressed. Have you thought about talking to a therapist maybe? There’s no shame in getting some help.

    Also, I seriously doubt there’s anything you could have done to prevent this. You are not a god, a miracle worker, a doctor or your mom. You are you, and you are not to blame.

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  2. You did the best you could and a lot more than many others would even THINK about doing.
    Just shut down and take care of yourself for a little. You don’t have babies at home, you have men who can look after each other for a little. Make an appointment with your doc and talk about anti-depressants; you certainly have a good reason for needing a little help.
    I am thinking of you:)

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