I’ve been feeling very blank the last few days. Its like I don’t know exactly what I’m feeling. I’m having trouble coming to terms with my mother being gone. I think the fact that she’d been in the hospital or nursing home for the past six months is messing with me. She hadn’t been here already, so its almost normal that she’s not around now. It’s like I just haven’t gone to visit her for a day or so, that’s all it feels like. I feel like I should be crying every day for hours, but I’m not. I cry a little bit, but I’m just so mentally blank I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I’m doing this right. Its like I don’t know how to grieve properly. When my grandparents died it was so different. They’d both been on hospice and we were expecting it. I was still sad, but I was prepared, so it made a lot of difference. Tonight will be a week since she passed.

My dad has started going through some things, like all of her medication, stuff in the bathroom. I really didn’t expect him to lift a finger, I figured I’d be doing everything but I guess I’m not totally alone. I took all of the pictures and her “lucky” 50 cent piece out of her wallet. She’d saved so many pictures of  Zach and me. I’ve still got to go through her clothes. I figure its not taking up any room that could be otherwise used at the moment so I’ll get to it when I get to it.

Tomorrow is Zach’s graduation. I couldn’t be prouder of him.

Its going to be a big, long day though. One of his best friends mom’s is giving me a ride, which is a good thing since I don’t know the UCF area. There’s a bit over 600 in his graduating class, which seems small compared to over 1,000 in mine.  My graduation was nearly 18 years ago, same month, just a little later on. My mom was there, of course, my dad didn’t go so I didn’t bother inviting him to Zach’s because I didn’t want Zach to feel the hurt I felt when I realized my dad wasn’t there. He didn’t expect him to go anyway, so I guess all is well there. Tomorrow night we’re going with a big group of his friends and their families to Kobe steakhouse. I’ve never been, so I don’t know what to expect aside from being freaked out by the crowd.

I’m just sad that my mom is missing it. When she first went into the hospital in 2006 to start dialysis, she was not happy at all. I’d had to talk her into going. I was there one day when her doctor was visiting and I remember he said “Don’t you want to live to see your grandson graduate?” She made it to his last day of high school but we both knew she wasn’t going to make it to his graduation. He said he’d known for about a year that she wouldn’t be up to it physically. He saw her on her birthday, which was a week before she passed. One of  the physical therapist told me she said she was looking forward to going home and getting to see him. I’m sorry they didn’t get to see each other once more before she was gone. I don’t know how Zach feels because he’s been busy being strong. I don’t know what I’d do without him.

Happy times and sad times mixed together. I so don’t know how to handle this.

2 thoughts on “confusion

  1. I’m so sorry.

    Congratulations to Zach on his graduation! I’ve known you almost 10 years (wow!) – hard to believe our sons are both high school graduates now. The time sure does fly.

    I think you’ll like the Kobe steakhouse. Are you going to the one in Altamonte Springs? I’ve been there before, and loved it!


  2. There’s no proper way to grieve. You just do. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Part of the reason this may be so difficult is that you were already drained before your mom died. How could you possibly be expected to muster up any more emotion after they year you’ve been having. Seriously, don’t beat yourself up about it.

    Congratulations to Zach!!!! I hope he had a great graduation. That’s insane that his class was so big. My graduating class had 100 kids and that’s considered huge for Vermont 😀

    What are his plans for the future?


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