lost

I feel like I have to physically hold onto myself to keep from falling apart. I’ve gotten into this territory where I just feel lost. Like I’m in the middle of a field and don’t know which way to go to get home.

Every time I close my eyes I see people giving my mom CPR. Needless to say I’ve been keeping my eyes open. I did catch a short nap earlier but that’s all the sleep I’ve had since 8am yesterday. My mind just keeps going and keeping me awake. I don’t know where it will turn next.

I went to the nursing home to pick up her stuff earlier. Everyone there was very kind and handed out lots of hugs. My favorite physical therapist came and cried with me, and gave me her number so I would have someone to talk to if I need it.

I meet with the funeral director tomorrow. I’ve done this twice before, with both of my grandparents. I planned out their funerals, but I don’t know how I’m going to handle my moms. They asked me to bring in two pictures of her, but the only ones that are somewhat recent that I can find are ID pictures. I hadn’t taken any pictures of her since she’d gotten so sick. I’m kicking myself for that. Her obituary, I can’t even begin to think of what it should say.

I’ve let everyone know that needs to know person-wise, but now I have to figure out who else I have to notify. I was so clear on this when my grandmother passed. I think the funeral home provides a list of who to contact.

I’m worried about my dad. He’s just internalizing all of this. I asked him if he was ok and he nodded. He may be ok. I can’t be sure. He’s not the type to tell people how he feels. I just can’t handle him giving up on me too.

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2 thoughts on “lost

  1. OK, Honey. You’re staying togetherright now and that’s good.
    The picture for the obit isn’t about what she looks like now but about when she was happy and vibrant. Find one of those pictures and give it to the funeral home. And ask them who all you need to contact; they are used to helping people with this kind of thing and doing so kindly.
    Make selections she would have liked. My Grandmother loved pink, roses, shiny things so we bought her a pink-colored brushed metal coffin with darker pinks roses in raised relief on the sides and pink satin interior. Not in the best of taste, but we knew she’d love it. We kept her hair fixed and her make-up done so when people came by she’d be “pretty” even though she had no idea what was going on in her final months.
    Think what your mom would like and do that. No-one says you have to have a traditional funeral. You could have a visitation for the public and make the burial private (I have family members who have done that). Plant a small bush at her gravesite that makes a scent or color she liked.
    And move on, honor her life by living.
    I am here if you need me. Just message me on FB (Jennifer German). My dad died of cancer at 66 seven years ago and I was so devasted I had to take a month off from work. I understand what you’re dealing with; I was lucky to have my healthy mom and brother to grieve with….

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  2. I wish I had some wise comforting words that would make you feel better, but I sure don’t. I lost my dad a few years ago, and though the circumstances were different and I can’t know exactly how you feel, I do know the pain of losing a parent. I’m just so sorry.

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