I feel like I have to physically hold onto myself to keep from falling apart. I’ve gotten into this territory where I just feel lost. Like I’m in the middle of a field and don’t know which way to go to get home.
Every time I close my eyes I see people giving my mom CPR. Needless to say I’ve been keeping my eyes open. I did catch a short nap earlier but that’s all the sleep I’ve had since 8am yesterday. My mind just keeps going and keeping me awake. I don’t know where it will turn next.
I went to the nursing home to pick up her stuff earlier. Everyone there was very kind and handed out lots of hugs. My favorite physical therapist came and cried with me, and gave me her number so I would have someone to talk to if I need it.
I meet with the funeral director tomorrow. I’ve done this twice before, with both of my grandparents. I planned out their funerals, but I don’t know how I’m going to handle my moms. They asked me to bring in two pictures of her, but the only ones that are somewhat recent that I can find are ID pictures. I hadn’t taken any pictures of her since she’d gotten so sick. I’m kicking myself for that. Her obituary, I can’t even begin to think of what it should say.
I’ve let everyone know that needs to know person-wise, but now I have to figure out who else I have to notify. I was so clear on this when my grandmother passed. I think the funeral home provides a list of who to contact.
I’m worried about my dad. He’s just internalizing all of this. I asked him if he was ok and he nodded. He may be ok. I can’t be sure. He’s not the type to tell people how he feels. I just can’t handle him giving up on me too.