My mom died tonight. I’d seen her, talked to her, just this afternoon. I asked her how she was feeling but all she said was tired. They went to check on her and found her not breathing. They called 911 and they did everything they could, but she was just gone. I’m hoping she went peacefully in her sleep.
I’m really beside myself right now. I don’t know what I should be thinking or feeling. I guess it still doesn’t totally feel real. When I was with her after she passed, I kept expecting her to wake up. I even shook her arm to try to get her to move. When my grandmother died, I didn’t feel that way. I just knew she was gone and that was that. I did have time to prepare for her death though. My mom I was expecting to bring home next week. Today I had a meeting with some home health care people to see what kind of help I could get when she came home. Guess I won’t be needing that now.
I just realized I’m going to have to go through her things. That’s not going to be easy. I have to dispose of her medications properly. I have to let social security know she passed, and probably insurance. I can’t remember everything that needs to be done. Plus she had no will, so I don’t know what happens with the house and everything.
She loved Christmas, and this past one she spent in a nursing home, and I felt terrible. She had the heart attack on November 29th, the night I was decorating the Christmas tree. She never got to see it. I assumed she’d have another Christmas with us. This is going to change the holidays drastically.
I still have to talk to Zach about it. Dad just nodded. I’d told him when I left for the ER that they’d found her not breathing so he obviously drew his own conclusions. I didn’t expect emotion out of him. Not sure with Zach, except that he may try to be stoic for me. Usually I’m the one who holds everything together, but he may be helping me not to fall apart.
This post is kind of long and rambling. I don’t have anyone to physically talk to right now (Zach is at The Hangover 2), and I just needed to get some thoughts out. I feel relief for her. She doesn’t have to suffer any more. No more dialysis, no more being bed ridden, no more poor circulation, no more diabetes or heart problems. She’s in a peaceful place now. I’ll try to keep remembering that. Right now I’m just wishing this horrible headache and jaw ache would go away.