so tired

The past few days I’ve had no energy. Yesterday I slept nearly all day and then all night. I don’t know if there is something seriously wrong with me or if I’m just reacting to the latest stressors. I’m sniffly, but otherwise I don’t think I’m sick. I think the sniffles are allergies.

My mom is going to be getting out of the hospital soon, and going back to the nursing home. We’re going to have to look at putting her there long term, I think. I have to go next week and apply for medicaid for her because she only has 27 days left in the nursing home on Medicare, and we can’t afford $200 some dollars a day to keep her there. If she gets passed up for medicaid I don’t know what we’ll do. We’ll have to bring her home. The idea of hospice was brought up, which I think is not a bad option, but hospice won’t take her as long as she’s on dialysis. She’d have to stop it, which would mean she would live for a week or two. One hospice said if she has another terminal diagnosis, they might take her on dialysis. I don’t think she’s been diagnosed with that, or anything else terminal. I also have no idea how we would get her to dialysis since she’s bed-bound. I talked to her, and she wants to be home but doesn’t think stopping dialysis is a good idea. I have to respect her wishes, which I can’t fully do since I can’t bring her home.

I’ve really been wrestling with this for the few days and I just feel so lost. I can’t make a good decision for anyone. At first I thought I was going to have no choice but to bring her home on hospice because it sounded like the nursing home didn’t want her. I misunderstood them. They just wanted to know more clearly what we expect from her life, like if we’re looking for some sort of miracle, if we’d want her on life support, etc. I don’t expect her to recover from anything, and I’m really not sure that she’ll ever be able to walk again. Its all so bleak.

No wonder I’m exhausted and don’t want to get out of bed. Who would want to face this every day.

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2 thoughts on “so tired

  1. Well, that sucks.
    Sometimes a real, objective evaluation has to happen when you’re trying to make a choice between a rock and a hard place. You’ve been guided to that evaluation by the facts – your mom is probably going to go home. She wants to be home. If she’s home, she won’t be on dialysis. But Hospice will come in then. But she doesn’t want to stop dialysis.
    If she isn’t picked up under Medicaid she has to stop dialysis and come home to hospice. And die.
    If she gets Medicaid the situation continues to hang fire. And she will die, but not at her home.
    If you have siblings discuss this with them. If not, consider this: your mother will die but she can decide where. While she has the chance to make this decision she should do so, but she should make it fully informed.
    The weight of your parents’ care should be borne by them, too. They are adults who got themselves where they are now.

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  2. I don’t envy your position, and I wish I had some great insight to offer you, but all I can say is to cherish the time you have with your parents now, and try not to let it stress you out. We all die eventually, and if we’re lucky we get to spend our short time here with those we love. It is a blessing and a curse to see it coming, but at least if we see it coming we can use that time to appreciate the things we have.

    I know there’s no miracle fix or cure for what your parents are going through, but I hope you can find some peace with things and can enjoy your time with them- whether it be two weeks or twenty years.

    I’m sorry you have to go through this, though. Your parents are extremely lucky to have such a devoted daughter. Don’t beat yourself up for getting caught up in this. It sucks, it’s not fair, and it’s totally normal to be throw off track by it.

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