so tired

The past few days I’ve had no energy. Yesterday I slept nearly all day and then all night. I don’t know if there is something seriously wrong with me or if I’m just reacting to the latest stressors. I’m sniffly, but otherwise I don’t think I’m sick. I think the sniffles are allergies.

My mom is going to be getting out of the hospital soon, and going back to the nursing home. We’re going to have to look at putting her there long term, I think. I have to go next week and apply for medicaid for her because she only has 27 days left in the nursing home on Medicare, and we can’t afford $200 some dollars a day to keep her there. If she gets passed up for medicaid I don’t know what we’ll do. We’ll have to bring her home. The idea of hospice was brought up, which I think is not a bad option, but hospice won’t take her as long as she’s on dialysis. She’d have to stop it, which would mean she would live for a week or two. One hospice said if she has another terminal diagnosis, they might take her on dialysis. I don’t think she’s been diagnosed with that, or anything else terminal. I also have no idea how we would get her to dialysis since she’s bed-bound. I talked to her, and she wants to be home but doesn’t think stopping dialysis is a good idea. I have to respect her wishes, which I can’t fully do since I can’t bring her home.

I’ve really been wrestling with this for the few days and I just feel so lost. I can’t make a good decision for anyone. At first I thought I was going to have no choice but to bring her home on hospice because it sounded like the nursing home didn’t want her. I misunderstood them. They just wanted to know more clearly what we expect from her life, like if we’re looking for some sort of miracle, if we’d want her on life support, etc. I don’t expect her to recover from anything, and I’m really not sure that she’ll ever be able to walk again. Its all so bleak.

No wonder I’m exhausted and don’t want to get out of bed. Who would want to face this every day.