empty

The past few days are a bit of a blur. I’ve actually gotten some sleep, as long as I leave the tv on, but I’m still feeling pretty drained.

Yesterday I made final arrangements for my mom. The price is absolutely insane. She’d chosen cremation, so I didn’t have to pay the entire burial fee at once, and couldn’t do it anyway. However, she can’t be placed until its paid in full. So I can’t really lay her to rest for a while. We won’t be having a funeral either because of cost and lack of family.

Her death notice was in the paper today. Rather surreal. Its not a full obituary, though. I can’t believe how much they charge for those. I can’t believe how much is charged for all of it! I can’t imagine how it would have been had she had a traditional burial. I’m going to pre-pay for mine so all of the cost doesn’t fall on Zach.

I’m feeling sad and lonely these past few days. I expect that will continue for a while.

lost

I feel like I have to physically hold onto myself to keep from falling apart. I’ve gotten into this territory where I just feel lost. Like I’m in the middle of a field and don’t know which way to go to get home.

Every time I close my eyes I see people giving my mom CPR. Needless to say I’ve been keeping my eyes open. I did catch a short nap earlier but that’s all the sleep I’ve had since 8am yesterday. My mind just keeps going and keeping me awake. I don’t know where it will turn next.

I went to the nursing home to pick up her stuff earlier. Everyone there was very kind and handed out lots of hugs. My favorite physical therapist came and cried with me, and gave me her number so I would have someone to talk to if I need it.

I meet with the funeral director tomorrow. I’ve done this twice before, with both of my grandparents. I planned out their funerals, but I don’t know how I’m going to handle my moms. They asked me to bring in two pictures of her, but the only ones that are somewhat recent that I can find are ID pictures. I hadn’t taken any pictures of her since she’d gotten so sick. I’m kicking myself for that. Her obituary, I can’t even begin to think of what it should say.

I’ve let everyone know that needs to know person-wise, but now I have to figure out who else I have to notify. I was so clear on this when my grandmother passed. I think the funeral home provides a list of who to contact.

I’m worried about my dad. He’s just internalizing all of this. I asked him if he was ok and he nodded. He may be ok. I can’t be sure. He’s not the type to tell people how he feels. I just can’t handle him giving up on me too.

loss

My mom died tonight. I’d seen her, talked to her, just this afternoon. I asked her how she was feeling but all she said was tired. They went to check on her and found her not breathing. They called 911 and they did everything they could, but she was just gone. I’m hoping she went peacefully in her sleep.

I’m really beside myself right now. I don’t know what I should be thinking or feeling. I guess it still doesn’t totally feel real. When I was with her after she passed, I kept expecting her to wake up. I even shook her arm to try to get her to move. When my grandmother died, I didn’t feel that way. I just knew she was gone and that was that. I did have time to prepare for her death though. My mom I was expecting to bring home next week. Today I had a meeting with some home health care people to see what kind of help I could get when she came home. Guess I won’t be needing that now.

I just realized I’m going to have to go through her things. That’s not going to be easy. I have to dispose of her medications properly. I have to let social security know she passed, and probably insurance. I can’t remember everything that needs to be done. Plus she had no will, so I don’t know what happens with the house and everything.

She loved Christmas, and this past one she spent in a nursing home, and I felt terrible. She had the heart attack on November 29th, the night I was decorating the Christmas tree. She never got to see it. I assumed she’d have another Christmas with us. This is going to change the holidays drastically.

I still have to talk to Zach about it. Dad just nodded. I’d told him when I left for the ER that they’d found her not breathing so he obviously drew his own conclusions. I didn’t expect emotion out of him. Not sure with Zach, except that he may try to be stoic for me. Usually I’m the one who holds everything together, but he may be helping me not to fall apart.

This post is kind of long and rambling. I don’t have anyone to physically talk to right now (Zach is at The Hangover 2), and I just needed to get some thoughts out. I feel relief for her. She doesn’t have to suffer any more. No more dialysis, no more being bed ridden, no more poor circulation, no more diabetes or heart problems. She’s in a peaceful place now. I’ll try to keep remembering that. Right now I’m just wishing this horrible headache and jaw ache would go away.

big changes

My mom is coming home on June 1st. She’s still bed ridden though. We’ll have home health care three times a week, but I don’t know if that’s really going to be enough. We may end up having to hire someone to come out ¬†couple other days of the week. As for getting her to dialysis, that’s going to be tricky. I guess we’ll have to keep using the wheelchair bus service. Getting her in and out of the wheelchair is going to be another adventure on its own.

I’m not really prepared for this, and I admit I’m pretty damn scared by it. She’s going to require more care than I’ve given before, without help at least. I don’t know how much I’m going to be able to count on my father. Zach will help if I need him to but I hate putting that on him.

Speaking of the father, he’s finished chemo. Next he’s supposed to get a CT scan and see the doctor again. Then they’ll decide on radiation, even though its not going to knock the cancer out or anything. Radiation will be a whole other mess with him going (and me taking him) five days out of the week. Such a lot to not really look forward to.

In other news, I got the pool nice and blue, and went for a swim yesterday. It felt really good to get in the water. Yes, I took this picture while I was in the pool. I wouldn’t have had my phone with me but I was waiting for a phone call.

blog neglect

I didn’t realize I haven’t posted here since Saturday. I’ve been tired. I spent most of Monday and all of Tuesday in bed sleeping. Everything caught up with me again. I couldn’t sleep Sunday night, so that was part of the problem. I could go for a nap right about now, actually.¬†Obviously if I’ve been sleeping, I haven’t done anything. I’m not even sure why I’m writing this blog post. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of life in general.

I have no idea what is going to happen to my mom when her days are up. The Medicaid application needs information I don’t know. I called the lady at the business office of the nursing home to see if she could help me out but I haven’t heard back. She’ll probably call tomorrow when I’m with my dad for chemo. Tomorrow should be the last day of that. He’s supposed to see his doctor too, hopefully he won’t decide to add more on. Then he sees the surgeon next week. Not sure what will become of that.

Wish I had something exciting to write about, but so goes life. Just checking in.

Saturday is alright for rain

I need to clean out my closet. Its a mess and I can hardly get in it let alone find the shoes I want. I just keep stuffing more things in there, wishing it would organize itself. Its a lot like my life. I keep getting into situations and hoping they come out all shiny and happy. Then when it doesn’t go my way, I get upset and fall apart, leaving me a mess.

I know how to clean out my closet. I know how to organize and make decisions about what to keep and what to give away, but life’s not that easy. How do you evaluate your life and decide what parts need cleaning and what parts need to not be so prominent. What should I not be worrying about right now, what do I change? What do I really have control over? Sometimes I question if I have control over anything.

I’m not proud of my recent behavior, and I don’t really want to go into it. It makes me think I’m better off living the life of a hermit like I’ve been doing for so many years. Like today, aside from going to visit my mother, I’ve been in my room all day watching tv, going to the usual internet haunts, and cleaning up a bit. Just homebody stuff. Its been raining, and I feel cozy, despite my injured pride.

Anyway, I guess that’s all I have, since I’m not going into gritty details. Sometimes things need to be vague, but the big picture remains. I need to de-clutter my life.

white girl moves

I found some motivation to start getting myself exercising. This was only yesterday so I’ve only exercised the past two days. Nothing miraculous yet. I spent over 40 minutes on the treadmill both days. I manage to get into a zone and just keep walking, ignoring the 30 minute mark I usually watch for. In addition to gym time, I decided to try Zumba. It looks like a lot of fun. I did the basics DVD this evening to “learn” the steps. I think me doing Zumba is going to be a lot of flailing about, which is not necessarily bad, but I sure felt white with no rhythm at all. It requires balance and coordination, two things I can’t have at the same time. So, like I said, I’ll just flail along as best as I can.

The city planted a tree in our yard.

They are working to replenish the tree canopy for the neighborhood. Since we had no trees in our yard, I wasn’t surprised that they planted one. I think it will be nice to have the tree. Eventually it will grow tall enough to shade the house from the afternoon sun. For whatever reason, Zach is totally apposed to this tree. Too bad.

The question of what’s going to happen with my mother once she runs out of nursing home days is still up in the air. I have to do the medicaid application but I don’t have all of the information, and some of it is going to be hard to come by. I have a feeling my dad isn’t going to be cooperative or know what I need to know. I’m frustrated just thinking about it. If she doesn’t qualify the only thing I can think of is trying to get a hospice to agree to take her.

Hope you’re all having a nice week. Nearly half way through May already. Can you believe it?

Mothers Day

Aren’t I supposed to sleep in? Instead I woke up around 6am. Considering I went to sleep around maybe 2? this is not a good nights sleep for me. Of course, its my own doing. I drank too much, and alcohol turns into a stimulant, so I woke up dizzy and hot with the tv still on. I’m rehydrating now, even though I did pace myself with water last night. Don’t worry, I didn’t drive.

I now know why older guys seem drawn to me. Its because I look sad all the time. Another older guy started to talk to me last night. He was very nice, listened to me talk about the problems with my parents, shared his story of taking care of his parents. Then we just talked. And talked. I haven’t talked to a person like that in a while. I’m sure the wine was what had me talking, but I still feel like I made a friend. And the bartender, OMG he is so cute. I adore him to pieces. I wish I had the nerve to flirt with him. Of course my luck with guys has soured, it seems. I shouldn’t be surprised, at my age. And no, I don’t want to date men old enough to be my father. I want to date the bartender.

Maybe I’ll get the kid to do laundry today and I’ll go to a lake and take pictures. And visit my mother, who is back in the nursing home. A calm day before another busy week would be nice.

so tired

The past few days I’ve had no energy. Yesterday I slept nearly all day and then all night. I don’t know if there is something seriously wrong with me or if I’m just reacting to the latest stressors. I’m sniffly, but otherwise I don’t think I’m sick. I think the sniffles are allergies.

My mom is going to be getting out of the hospital soon, and going back to the nursing home. We’re going to have to look at putting her there long term, I think. I have to go next week and apply for medicaid for her because she only has 27 days left in the nursing home on Medicare, and we can’t afford $200 some dollars a day to keep her there. If she gets passed up for medicaid I don’t know what we’ll do. We’ll have to bring her home. The idea of hospice was brought up, which I think is not a bad option, but hospice won’t take her as long as she’s on dialysis. She’d have to stop it, which would mean she would live for a week or two. One hospice said if she has another terminal diagnosis, they might take her on dialysis. I don’t think she’s been diagnosed with that, or anything else terminal. I also have no idea how we would get her to dialysis since she’s bed-bound. I talked to her, and she wants to be home but doesn’t think stopping dialysis is a good idea. I have to respect her wishes, which I can’t fully do since I can’t bring her home.

I’ve really been wrestling with this for the few days and I just feel so lost. I can’t make a good decision for anyone. At first I thought I was going to have no choice but to bring her home on hospice because it sounded like the nursing home didn’t want her. I misunderstood them. They just wanted to know more clearly what we expect from her life, like if we’re looking for some sort of miracle, if we’d want her on life support, etc. I don’t expect her to recover from anything, and I’m really not sure that she’ll ever be able to walk again. Its all so bleak.

No wonder I’m exhausted and don’t want to get out of bed. Who would want to face this every day.