Since I’m awake

I’m awake, so I thought I might as well blog. I turned on my computer and felt really tired, but remembered I had laundry in the washer. I took care of that and then I couldn’t fall asleep. So now I’m here. I barely slept last night. This isn’t going to be a pretty day unless I get a nap.

After I wrote my last blog post about my mother being moved to a different hospital, I got a call from her cardiologist. He wanted to touch base with me, and ask if she or we would want her resuscitated or kept alive by machines. She has a living will so I told him she and we didn’t want that. That call really scared me. All along with these hospital stays her doctors have been telling me “she’s very very sick.” I know that. If she wasn’t she wouldn’t be in the hospital every other week. But thinking she might not make it through is just more than I want to think about. I hate her suffering, but I’m not ready to lose my mother. Selfish, I know.

I saw her yesterday and she looked really rough. She’d had surgery that morning to put in a central line, and she was tired and had no color in her face. The dialysis tech tending to her was nice enough to come and put her arm around me when I started sobbing. “Talk to God. He will help you” was what she told me. I just sat there with that thought in my head. I’m not a religious person, but those words in my mind were oddly calming.

I’m going to tell Zach today that I want him to take over worrying about the outside of the house. I can’t keep worrying about the weeds that need to be pulled and the bushes that need to be cut back or removed. I need one less thing on my shoulders. Then maybe I can take care of the house better than I have been. I may have killed almost all of my herbs by forgetting to water them for a couple days. I gave them a good soaking and I guess I’ll wait and see what happens.

I noticed the other day when I drive, even when I’m stopped at a light, my hands are gripping the steering wheel like my life depends on it. I don’t know if its other tension manifesting when I drive, or if I’ve just become a really tense driver. Then again, when someone makes a right turn in front of me from the left lane, it makes me think, maybe clutching the steering wheel for dear life is the right thing to do.

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