Yeah, Twilight. I’m thinking I might watch Twilight. What of it? You got a problem with me having a thing for Robert Pattinson? Its the out of control hair and accent. Though I guess for the accent I should watch Goblet of Fire. But I’m more in the mood for Twilight. Even though I dreamt about Daniel Radcliff signing Harry Potter books at a local book store. What is wrong with my brain? This also reminds me I want to see Water for Elephants. I almost picked that book up I don’t know how many times but never did. Ahh, the days when I used to read. Last year, even.
Between going out at night and the power being out I’ve run myself ragged in every way possible and then some. I had trouble falling asleep last night, finally fell asleep close to 4am, and woke up in the same position 12 hours later. I’m still tired, too. I was about to take a nap but I realize that will keep me from sleeping tonight. At least my dear cat didn’t wake me at 6 or 7 this morning for food. SHE may have become breakfast. Instead I woke up this afternoon to her sleeping next to me. Such a good kitty.
I’ve approached this paragraph about six times now, each time trying to go in one direction but not knowing how to explain it. With activities over the past week, I’ve become extremely aware of the big empty holes in my life. The ones that people fill with friends, lovers, real jobs, hobbies. Having both of my parents sick is not only stressful, but its very sad for me. I haven’t admitted to that. I haven’t shared with anyone how sad it makes me. Especially with my dad. I’m here with him almost all day every day, watching him be sick and depressed. I’ve watched him lose more weight, watched his skin break out from the toxins in the chemo, watching his thick head of black hair all fall away. Its a damn sorry sight. My mom, aside from being in pain and pretty much bed ridden, has really mentally come around lately. She’s much sharper than she had been. She even remembers my cell phone number! I feel like things are looking up a little bit with her, but its still going to be a tough ride to where she’s well enough to come home again. I think this week will mark a month that she’s been in the hospital.
I digress. The holes in my life. I need to fill them with something. Dirt, mulch, yarn, what have you. I need to get out and plant some herbs so I have something green to nurture. I need to sit down and relax with some knitting. I’ve let these things slip away. I’ve let depression take over because its SO easy to fall to. Yes, I know the friend element is one that really needs filling too. As for a real job, I’ve been thinking about taking some classes. Romance? Just not there. There are plenty of things I can think of to do, its just digging myself out of the hole long enough to fill them.