moody

I haven’t posted any blogs because my mood has been so bad. I’m tired, sore, slightly grumpy, and just worn too thin. I spent the weekend in bed, mostly because I could. There were things I wanted to do but I just ended up not feeling  like doing anything. I went to Lowes and bought some herbs and flowers to pot. I was going to do that on Saturday, but I didn’t. My back is in bad shape as well, so that’s holding me down too. Going to have to go to the doctor this time because its not working itself out. Maybe he can crack me back into shape. I bet its from sitting in all of those chairs at chemo and doctors appointments. I always have a sore back after that.

I was supposed to take my mom to the doctor today but she couldn’t get in and out of my car without more help than I could provide, and the girl at the nursing home didn’t want to send me with her and risk her falling, so they rescheduled the appointment to when they have their wheelchair van available. This means she has more to work on in therapy. She’s not walking very steady either. I’m getting worried.

I took a real picture today instead of a quick I need an iPhone picture.

I got this Phalenopsis last week. I haven’t had an orchid around for a while and this golden one was so pretty I decided to splurge. I’ve had really good luck with them in the past.I could practically ignore them and they’d bloom.

With all of the warmth things are starting to bloom. There are a couple of gorgeous trees blooming. I was going to go for a short walk today to take pictures of them, but I fell asleep instead. Maybe tomorrow. There’s nothing planned for the next couple of days so maybe I’ll rest easy tonight not worrying about getting up and having to hurry out the door.

one of those days

I know, technically I already posted today with my late night post, but screw it. I need to vent, or at least type a bit.

I happened to be driving through downtown Orlando today and had an opportunity to snap a pic. Its the Grand Bohemian hotel downtown.

Grand BohemianI really like driving along Orange Avenue downtown. You’re surrounded by tall buildings, can catch a glimpse of the nightlife scene when nobody is there. I don’t feel so afraid of it anymore. Between driving that and Magnolia Ave I feel fairly oriented downtown. No, I couldn’t tell you what everything is, but I’m getting an idea, and I like that its not so foreign anymore.

I’ve been taking more of my 365 pictures on my iPhone when I’m out, and just directly upload them to flickr. That’s one of the reasons I haven’t been posting all of them. That and I don’t always have anything to say.

My dad got out of the hospital today. I’m hoping its not premature and that his stomach doesn’t get really bad again. I gather its still producing discharge, but they’ve given him stuff to put on it. Whatever, its not like there’s anything I can do about it.

I’ve been in a bad mood today. I couldn’t sleep last night and then was woken up early with a phone call letting me know my dad would be let go early afternoon. Then I called the nursing home about my mom’s appointment with the vascular surgeon on Monday. They want me to take her (hopefully she can get in and out of my car by now). Its at my usual gym time with the trainer but I just rescheduled that since the doctor apparently is only in the office once a week (wtf?). Then a girl from the nursing home called me to tell me I needed to sign readmission papers next time I visit her. Hello? She’s been back a week and a half, what was the holdup? I was expecting that call last week. I settled down to take a nap and was woken by a call to get my dad just when I was settling into a decent sleep. Took about an hour to get him out.

I went to the gym with Zach to try to burn off some of my frustration and, well, anger. I don’t know why I was so damn angry today. I was just resenting everything and feeling very “what about me?” I spent my 20’s, when most of my peers were going to college and exploring who they were raising a child. In my 30’s I started to not only raise a child but care for my parents. When is it going to be my time? As morbid as it is, it will probably be when my parents are dead. How is that any way to live your life? Its not, and I feel like I just exist for other people.

Frustration and anger led to an upset stomach, so I haven’ done anything this evening, except for this. Hope you had a better day.

late night

They’re cute. They know this. Plus they make cute little wheeking noises. They use both of these to their advantage. That’s Wicket on the left, and Peanut to the right.

They were dancing around and putting their noses in the air because they knew it was time for lettuce. A nice big bowl of romaine.

My dad gets out of the hospital either tomorrow afternoon or on Thursday. I’m kind of hoping they keep him until Thursday because he was able to sleep there, and I know he really needs rest. Plus that peg tube area needs to not be oozing and irritated. My mom goes to see her vascular surgeon on Monday to decide what to do about the DVT’s. I’m still betting on a hospital stay.

I still haven’t gotten much done that I thought I would be getting done. I need to make a list and prioritize. Then I’ll have a list to stare at.

I had a bunch of thoughts but now I don’t remember them because I’ve suddenly gotten tired. Goodnight, blog.

typical

Another song they play on the radio a lot? The latest from Pink. And Rocketeer by Far East Movement. Just sayin’.

When my dad had the surgery to put in his port on Friday, the doctor also replaced his peg tube (feeding tube) because my dad was having some leaking with the original one. On Saturday the area around the new one started leaking and bleeding a bit. It was still doing it on Sunday so I called the doctor. I took him in to be seen first thing this morning. By then the bleeding had become heavier and he was in pain. They looked at it, mumbled some stuff, and decided to admit him because he was a bit dehydrated and they wanted to check the placement of the tube to make sure it was in the right place. So I ended up leaving him there. I talked to his nurse later in the day, and she said along with fluids he was also getting IV antibiotics. They didn’t have the results of whatever test they did to check the tubes placement, and they were having to change the dressings on it every hour. I suspect he’ll be there for a couple of days.

I went to see my mom. She was lying in bed instead of sitting up. Her feet are in bad shape. They have a bunch of wounds and her toenails need to be cut by a podiatrist. I asked the nurse how her feet were doing, and found out she has blood clots in her feet and legs and they were “waiting on a vascular consult.” This is going to land her in the hospital again, no doubt. It NEVER ends, does it? I feel bad for my parents going through all of this. I wish they’d taken care of themselves.

Speaking of taking care of yourself, I went to the gym. I worked my back and biceps with the trainer, and then hoofed on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I’ve really got to make a concerted effort to get there more often. It’s not always fun while I’m working but it takes away a lot of stress and tension. Plus it’s good for me. All of this complaining about my parents not taking care of themselves, and what am I doing to be proactive? Not enough.

Saturday night’s alright for, well, something

I’ve figured something out. Every time I’m in the car and have the radio on, they are playing the same seven songs over and over. Firework and teenage dream by Katy Perry, the crackhead and hot pants songs by Kesha, the new Britney song, Enrique Iglesias song about rudely loving you, and the latest Usher song. I hear them every single time. If I hear anything else its Bruno Mars, the new Lady Gaga, or that old Jason Mraz song. Seriously! No wonder I’ve come to loathe driving so much. Gotta make some CD’s.

I know everyone has mentioned it, but the moon was really gorgeous tonight.

It took me several tries to get that shot. I don’t even remember what mode I was in when I took this one. That’s my 50th picture too. I can’t believe I’ve taken at least one picture a day for that long in a row.

My dad went to MD Anderson to get his blood transfusion at 2:00 this afternoon. I picked him up at 8:00. Turns out there was a recliner in the room so I could have stayed comfortably and gotten some knitting done. Oh well. I didn’t do much with the rest of my day. Did some laundry, went through a stack of mail, watched the last 1/4 of a lap of the Nationwide race, cleaned a little, and bought a ticket to see Florence and the Machine at the Hard Rock Live in June. I have high hopes that things will be a little calmer by then. Now watch it not be because I got that ticket.

How exciting was your day? Hope you did something fun!

I had a long day

How does the rest of that had a bad day song go? I can hear it in my head but I can’t make out what he’s singing. My brain is not fine tuned, it seems.

We got to the hospital at 6 and they took him back almost immediately for prep. I made myself comfortable in the waiting room. I got to go see him before he went to surgery, which was me just standing next to his bed looking around. Couldn’t exactly have a conversation. I was kept well informed; they let me know what time he was wheeled into the operating room and then exactly what time the surgery started. They allotted an hour and a half but it took just over 30 minutes. I waited while he was in recovery, and when he was ready we went straight over to chemo.

I’d been knitting while waiting for the surgery to be done. I was working away on my cardigan. I got two inches into it, started work on the patterned portion, and realized I’d cast on 20 too many stitches. FAIL. So I ripped it out and started over. I got back to the patterned portion while waiting for chemo but didn’t get far because I was tired of knitting after that many hours. My back hurt from sitting in chairs, I was tired from the unnatural lighting and sitting so much. I spent some time standing and knitting. By the end of the day, 10 hours later, I was ready to get the hell out of there. I was on a too much caffeine buzz, but I settled down eventually and fell asleep. I left the water running in the pool but luckily Zach caught that. I slept until 9, but I think I’ll still sleep just fine tonight.

They run blood work before they do the chemo. His potassium and magnesium were low so they gave him that. Also, his platelet count was low so he has to go back tomorrow for a blood transfusion, which will take 8-10 hours. I’m not staying the whole time, and he said he was fine with that. I would leave and go somewhere while he had chemo but I’d miss free food, plus I don’t know the area well. Oh, and there’s that whole pay to park thing. It seems silly to pay twice. I’d like to take off and go to the expensive mall and window shop, but alas, I stay and “keep him company” even though he’s a loner and couldn’t care less.

The thing about tomorrow is we don’t have a set time. Its whenever a bed is ready. They’ll call and tell us what time to come, and it could literally be at any point durning the day. I really hope its not to far into the afternoon because I don’t want to drive out there by myself at night to pick him up. Zach has tickets to a soccer game. The tickets were free, so if worse comes to worse I’ll just have to severely piss him off and make him stay home so I’m not going alone.

I’m looking forward to next week week. Its a slow one.

decisions

I’m sitting here, listening to John Mayer, trying to decide which sweater to start knitting tomorrow. I’ve got my pattern notebooks out, booklets, magazines, all strewn across my bed.

I’d drag out a book or two if I thought one would help, but I think I’m just going to go with the pattern I was working but needed to start over because it was going to be way too big. It should keep me occupied for a while. I need something that will keep me busy because tomorrow will be a long day. I really should choose something I have to pay attention to so I don’t fall asleep.

At 6am my dad has to report to the hospital for an 8:30 surgery to put in a port for his chemo. After he’s done with that he goes over to have chemo. I don’t know how long the surgery takes, all I know is the doctor called it a “simple procedure.” The chemo takes over three hours. All that time sitting on my butt, I’m not going to know what to do with myself. I don’t expect to be home before mid to late afternoon. Then I still need to have the energy to go visit my mother. If I could be sleeping right now, I would. Of course, just sitting for so long tomorrow is going to wear me out. There’s so much irony in that.

I went all FLY lady on the kitchen sink. I didn’t think I would ever do that because it sounded silly, but I did feel a sense of accomplishment knowing the sink was not only shiny, but clean. Cleaning always makes me feel better, its just getting started that I have so much trouble with. Right now the house really needs to be cleaned, but I just feel so drained all of the time. I’m embarrassed to say there are still a couple of Christmas decorations still out because I’ve been too lazy to deal with it. I need to do something before my mom comes home, not that she’ll complain, but so she feels comfortable. Or actually, so I feel comfortable.

There’s much to be done and tended to and only so much time and so many hands to do it all with. Guess I’m putting Zach to work helping me. He’ll love that.

glum

My mood the past couple of days has been pretty down. I don’t feel like doing anything or seeing anyone. I’ve been over to see my mom, and I went to the gym today for an appointment with the trainer. I did go sit outside in the sun to see if that would improve my mood, but it didn’t. I was just bored and didn’t like looking at the dead grass and lively weeds. If I didn’t have to get out of bed, I probably wouldn’t.

I got a call this morning about my dad being scheduled for surgery to have a port for his chemo put in on Friday. This was something the doctor was going to discuss with him, but apparently they just decided to go ahead and schedule it without his input. My dad didn’t seem too thrilled when I told him about the call. I’m going to have to call the lady back tomorrow and get the information again because I was half asleep when I talked to her.  I’m also supposed to be getting a call from his chemo doctor about what they’re going to do about Friday’s usual chemo. I’m going to be the one losing all of her hair when all of this is said and done.

I’m one of those people claiming my cat is my valentine.

Wow that adjustment messed up the picture. I just noticed that. Really though, I don’t think of my cat as my valentine. I just think of this as Monday. And next year it will be Tuesday.

I’m getting frustrated by project 365. I find myself not knowing what to take a picture of. I’m not improving with my camera or learning anything. I came very close to just quitting the other day. I need to go get some plants. That would give me fresh, lovely stuff to take pictures of. Maybe I can wake up in the morning and go to Lowes. Eh, probably not. Maybe in the afternoon, when I don’t really have time.

Carry on, lovely people.

Saturday night’s alright for racing

Or watching racing on your tv as I was.

Most people who read this blog don’t really care about NASCAR, I’m guessing. I’m not as much of a fan as I used to be. Big Tony Stewart fan, but not so much for watching cars go round and round for hours. But tonight was the Budweiser shootout, which is a shorter race with limited cars. Its also the first stock car race of the season, a non points race, and often just kind of fun. We went to it several years in a row, but its always so cold the night of the race, and shivering in the stands gets less appealing as you lose interest in the racing (I blame the “car of tomorrow”). Last year during the Daytona 500 the track got a pothole. So over the summer and fall they ripped up and redid the track, which changes the racing surface drastically, which also changes the way the race is. Over the off season, they also changed the design of the cars. It resulted in a bunch of two car packs running around the race track, with pretty much luck getting the leader into the lead. Suffice it to say it wasn’t a great race, and I was pretty bored. That and Tony didn’t have a great night, so that automatically makes it no fun.

Now that you’ve skipped that, I went to the hospital to see my mom today. She wasn’t there. I went to the nurses station to find out where she was, and they’d discharged her back to the nursing home. Uh, thanks for letting me know! So I went to the nursing home and saw her. She was a lot more coherent so I think what really happened was the whole not seeing me and being in the unfamiliar hospital threw her already slightly confused brain into a tizzy and it seemed like she’d had another stroke or something. Now I guess we just wait to see how much this almost two week hospital stay set back her physical therapy.

Zach got to meet some of the Magic players and shoot hoops with them. Sounded like he had a good time. He didn’t get to have JJ Redick call me like I asked though. Something about a really long line. As if he could have gotten him to call me. Ha! Tomorrow I’m making him do the laundry, just because. I don’t want all this good luck going to his head.

So, in summary, today was boring. I kinda needed that.

quickishly

My dad had a doctors appointment this morning before chemo. The doctor said the tumor felt softer and my dad agreed, plus I guess there’s less discharge where it broke through the skin. That’s after one chemo treatment. I’m pretty amazed. My dad also said this was the first day he’d felt pretty decent in a while. The next few days won’t be that way, but apparently he rebounds before each treatment. Or has so far. That’s good news. I kind of had doubts about this treatment helping but apparently I’m being proven wrong, which I gladly accept. After we got back from chemo, I fell asleep. I’m still tired though.

I let Zach use the car tonight and skipped the concert. I really didn’t have the energy to drive to Downtown Disney to the House of Blues and deal with a younger punk crowd. Flogging Molly is so fun live that I’m kind of bummed, but at least I didn’t miss Supernatural. Not that I was really impressed with Supernatural tonight. I thought it was kind of a boring episode, and I especially didn’t like that the previews for next week showing no reference to follow up to the end of the show, which was kind of important. Indulge me for one paragraph, folks. Its the only show I really watch.

Zach went to the Magic game tonight with his friend with the family season tickets. Sometimes his mom lets him take friends instead of the family going. Tomorrow he gets to go to a meet the Magic with the same kid. But the kicker is Zach bought tickets for a 50/50 raffle at the game and won over $3000. Seriously. That kid has some LUCK. I’m going to start rubbing his head so maybe some of the good luck will rub off on me.