long day

I got about an hour and a half worth of sleep last night. Then it was up in the morning to drive over to SODO to take my dad to see the ENT. Luckily I took my knitting with me because we had to wait a lot. We were there for over an hour.

The doctor looked at that tumor with a scope, and is referring my dad to a guy over at M.D. Anderson for further evaluation and surgery. It looks to the doc that it will be a pharyngectomy with a free flap (yeah, go look that up). Basically they would remove the tumor, and my dad’s throat, and rebuild the throat with tissues from his forearm. Its apparently an extensive surgery, and one that my dads ENT just doesn’t do. His other option is radiation to be a little more comfortable, but not cure it. This tumor is apparently big enough that its broken through to the outside, so that “cyst” that broke that he’s been keeping bandaged is actually the tumor. Ick. But my dad agreed to go see this other doctor about the surgery. Then, I guess, if he gets a new throat, he can start drinking again, and he might feel better and start to smoke again, too, and then he can get cancer in his newly built throat, his stomach, and his lungs and then we’ll dance around the merry little cancer tree again.

Yes, I know. It sounds like I don’t care if my dad lives or dies. Of course I’d rather he live, but for gods sake, going through the laryngectomy didn’t keep him from the habits that caused this, and he refused radiation to better ensure this wouldn’t happen. How long do you dangle the carrot in front of the horse before you give it to him or take it away because he won’t follow? How much more bullshit do we go through?

I’m sorry. Im tired. In a lot of ways. Physically, mentally, emotionally. In addition to taking him to the doctor I ran a bunch of errands, including going to Walmart to drop off a prescription, then back to pick it up to find the pharmacy CLOSED when they weren’t supposed to be, and then finally back again to get the prescription. I don’t know about you, but Walmart three times in one day is extreme overload. But I did notice that they’re carrying Essie nail polish. I’m finding it in more and more places. You’re becoming a tramp, Essie.

Hope you all had a better Friday. Enjoy your weekend.

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3 thoughts on “long day

  1. You are a good daughter to him, whether he deserves the care or not.

    I hope for a good change in his condition and habits, soon.

    I think it’s healthy to express your frustration. I know I do. Vocally. Overmuch. Daily.

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  2. When my sister was dying, I used to tell my friend that i wished she would just get worse or get better, because she kept getting better and then worse, and then better, and then worse again. it takes a toll on your heart. Of course I was only 23 at the time and had no idea she would die soon, but it’s probably a more common emotion than is openly discussed. I don’t think it sounds like you don’t care- i think it sounds like you’ve been hurt by caring and are afraid to do it again- and nobody could fault you for that.

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