I’m sick and have a busy week ahead of me.
I notice that several people who keep regular blogs don’t blog on the weekends. Since I don’t blog regularly during the week all the time, I don’t mind hopping on during the weekend.
I got a Pottery Barn catalog today.
There’s nothing new or special about it. I love getting Pottery Barn catalogs. I love going to Pottery Barn and sitting on their sofas and chairs. I want to move into Pottery Barn, or slide into one of the catalogs and live there. Yeah, I know they are overpriced, but most of their stuff fits my taste, especially the stuff that looks vintage. I think its the addition of flowers and plants and little this and that’s in their pictured spaces that make it seem so homey and inviting. Note to self: get some houseplants. And create some light for them.
This house has the worst window placement, I swear. Three of them have a view, and that’s about it. Two of them, the view is the pool. A lot of the reason the views and light are so poor is not just the placement of the windows, but the front porch. Its all blocked in (if you look at yesterdays picture, you can see it). If this were my house and I had money, I would change the front of the house so those windows got light and love. I think that would make the house feel healthier.
Oh, and as for my 365, I’m just going to keep plodding along as I have been. So what if the pictures aren’t always exciting. Its all about documenting my life for 365 days, and often times my days are slow and I have nothing to inspire me to take a picture other than a catalog or my cat. The pictures will probably get better with time, quality wise, but the subjects won’t necessarily be breathtaking or story worthy. And I’m ok with that, I think.
That looks like any old picture, and really, it is. Its a view to the east from my driveway. This is where I watch shuttle launches from. When they first started we were able to watch them from he back yard, but trees have grown and now we have to go out front, which is where the neighbors are too.
I didn’t live here when Challenger exploded. I was in fifth grade in Alabama. We were learning a lot about space that year, and our teacher had us in the Young Astronauts program. Shuttle launches were always a big deal to her, and we watched every one. That day we had a substitute who didn’t know to put the shuttle launch on. We got to lunch and other kids were telling us what happened. We thought they were kidding. The substitute must have gotten word during lunch as well because when we got back to the room the tv was turned on so we could see the news. It was surreal. Things like that weren’t supposed to happen in my 11-year-old world. NASA was perfect and the shuttles were super. They weren’t suppose to blow up. I think we talked about it a bit for the rest of the afternoon, but it still just seems so unreal in my mind. It still does.
Like many have said, that’s my generations JFK.
Today was my dad’s appointment with the Chemotherapy oncologist. I think the guy was in the room for less than five minutes. We spent most of the time with his nurse practitioner. They’re going to start something called induction chemotherapy (pretty sure that’s what they called it). He’ll go one day a week for four hours at a time, six weeks in a row. Then they will redo the scan and see if its made any difference. After that, I think there’s the possibility of more chemo and radiation. He also has to go see a dental oncologist, which I’ve never heard of before. I guess she’s located with the rest of the cancer people. He’ll see her next month. She’s going to want to yank all of his teeth, and that’s going to piss him off. I know this because when he was evaluated for radiation in early 2009, the doctor said he’d have to have his teeth pulled because they are in such bad shape. I think that might have been one of the reasons he didn’t do the radiation, to be honest. The only time he’s gone to the dentist was when the Air Force said he had to. When he first went in he had several teeth pulled, and he’s avoided the dentist like the plague ever since.
I know the chemo is going to take a toll on him. They’ve already written prescriptions for anti-nasuea medications, and talked about some side effects of the three different chemo drugs he’ll be on. They’ll be right there to see him through it and help him with any bothersome side effects. I know he’ll be going on Fridays, but I don’t know what time yet. He’ll start next week though. I suppose I should get started on a sweater so I have something that I can knit for a long period of time. Plus they have wi-fi so I can take my laptop.
A trip to the local yarn store! I love going there because I can just stare at the yarn for ages trying to think of what I could make with it. Plus there are books and other patterns and stuff to go through. I needed the loops for my circular interchangeable needle set and a wooden circular needle for a project that I need to do on slower needles that won’t drop the yarn as easily as the metal interchangeables do. See, you learned something–some yarns or projects need slower needles while others can be done with fast needles. Not that you can’t knit fast with wooden or bamboo needles. But the important part is I only bought one ball of yarn for a specific project I plan on doing soon! I have so much yarn its ridiculous.
Well, now that I’ve educated you on something that probably won’t even help you through life, I wish you good evening.
On Tuesday I took my dad to the oncologist to find out the results of his scans. The doctor showed them to us, and pointed out how large the tumor is. Its surrounding his carotid artery, so surgery is a no go. Instead they are going to start out with chemo then consider radiation. Tomorrow morning I take him to see the oncologist that will supervise his chemotherapy and find out when that will get started. I think I have a lot of driving back and forth in my future.
When the doctor said it was inoperable, I can’t really describe what I felt. It was just a blank feeling, not really upset that they can’t operated and certainly not happy. I’ve kind of remained that way. Its like I don’t know what to feel. I’ll probably have a better idea of what I’m feeling when I get more detail on the chemo and what that’s going to be like.
Today was my birthday (or technically it was yesterday since its after midnight). Didn’t do anything all day, and went to Olive Garden for dinner. Points to me for creativity, right? I had braised short ribs and mushroom risotto. And tiramisu. And a little wine. It was my birthday so I splurged. When we got home I fell asleep for a couple of hours until the cat started using me as a jungle gym. She wanted food. Go figure.
I leave you with a picture. Even in the winter the water looks divine.
I went to visit my mom today at the nursing home, like I always do. I sat with her and tried to think of things to tell her. She sat and kicked her feet not unlike a little kid whose feet are dangling about the ground (like hers were). They brought her dinner while I was there and I watched her eat. Her motor skills are definitely impaired, but she was managing.
I left her while she was eating, and while walking to my car, I felt a weight come over me. Mentally yes, but physically my steps slowed and I felt almost as if I was wading through water. My heart sunk. I got in my car and took a couple of breaths, then headed home. I was hoping the waterworks would hold off until I got home, but a few tears escaped before I pulled into the driveway.
I curled up on my bed and didn’t move for the longest time. My mind was racing with thoughts, but the loudest thought being heard over the others was “why me?” Why am I the one taking care of my sick parents. Why now? Why so early in my life? Why are they doing this to me? If they’d just lived healthier this mess wouldn’t have happened. Now, instead of living the life I expected in my 30’s I’m taking my dad to oncologist appointments early in the morning, visiting my mom in a nursing home not because I put her there, but because she’s sick and weak. Neither has hit 65 and they are in stages of dying. Its been this way with my mom since 2006. Because she was ill, I took care of my grandmother through her death, which was quickly followed by dad’s first round with cancer. My dad rebounded for a while, but my mother kept going downhill, and I knew when he took up drinking and smoking again after his surgery, and refused radiation, he would get sick again eventually.
My 36th birthday is on Wednesday. At this point in my life, I expected to be settled down, married. I would have a career and a home. My credit would still be outstanding and I would be happy with friends and a life. Instead, I’m living in a time capsule of my grandparents life, no job, no friends, absolutely no money to my name, hell, the money didn’t last long enough to pay off my own car since I didn’t get back to work after my mom got sick. I’ve been holding down a house that, while I live in it, doesn’t feel like I belong.
I’ve hit these lows before (as evidenced by similar blogs) but this one feels different. I don’t think I can shake this one off so easily. Hours later I’m still slugging through the weight. This is a hopeless feeling I have right now. A “what all have I lost” feeling. Yes, its all just feeling sorry for myself, but if I can’t function, how am I supposed to take care of everything?
I still managed to take a picture today. I guess I won’t be defeated in all things.
I have been so tired today. Could have something to do with the fact that I couldn’t sleep last night and only got a nap this morning. Regardless, I went out with the camera and took a picture.
No, this is not about wearing glasses, though I do. I’m thinking I’d like to try contacts again though. Moving on.
My pictures are boring. They lack vision and interest. I thought that doing 365 would help with that. Then again, I’m only 21 days into it, so maybe there’s still room for improvement. But really look at today’s picture.
My cat. Again.
I’m going to be that person who takes 365 pictures of her pets and other random objects. Without making them interesting in any way! I don’t think that’s the point. Ok, I’m rambling the same thing over and over now. (Also, looking at the color difference, you can see I’m still mastering the camera)
My point is, I want to learn to take interesting pictures. Pictures that people see and say “oh, I like that. That’s interesting.” So since my life in general is so dull and sheltered, I guess I’m going to have to come up with ways to take pictures of mundane things in interesting ways. Should be interesting to see if I succeed or fall on my face.
Otherwise its just Friday. My mom’s stay in the hospital was brief. She had the procedure on her fistula and dialysis yesterday, and they sent her back to the nursing home at 5am. She was pretty tired when I went to see her this afternoon. My dad had a PET scan this past Wednesday, and we’ll find out the results this coming Tuesday. I’m already tired of driving to MD Anderson and back.
Hope you all have a lovely Friday evening.
That’s the number my boy is today. I can’t believe its been 18 years. Then again, can a mother ever believe it? He was such a little thing, well, fairly normal for a baby. Six pounds, 13 ounces, 20 inches long, born at 3:16pm. He was purple too. Turned out he had Group B strep. Luckily they caught it early. If he were to shave his head, I bet there would be a tiny scar from where they had internal monitors attached to him, or maybe not. Eighteen years is a long time to heal.
Now he’s an “adult” in the eyes of the law, but still a kid in mine. He always will be. I’m so blessed to have him. Obviously he has to be my 365 for today.
Before you ask, no, he is not tattooed. Its one of those sleeve things He got at a Magic game and now he wears it every game day. I told him he needs to be in his twenties before he makes a decision about a tattoo, though I guess he could go get one now if he wanted. Scary!
Other than today being Zach’s birthday, its not been the best day. Was at MD Anderson for my dad’s scan for three hours. Got a call asking why I hadn’t brought my mom to the vascular lab for her appointment. Apparently the dialysis clinic made her the appointment without consulting me. So, since she has a clot in her fistula, she’s in the hospital to get it fixed and get some dialysis. Hopefully she won’t be there long. On the home front, my dad apparently gave up paying bills because the water got turned off today. Had to rush around and take care of that. At least they did it in the middle of the day.
I’m exhausted. Lack of sleep last night has just pushed me over the edge. That and it was warm enough that I wore flip flops! One should not wear flip flops in January! Its against code! I know, most people would welcome flip flop weather in January, but I cling to winter because its my one time of relief each year. One time to freeze out the mosquitos. Just once a year, people!
Hope this finds you, my fair readers, in good mind and spirit.
But I’ve been sick. It started last week. I was just feeling lousy, then Thursday night I was hit with a sudden sore throat. It just got progressively worse with sinus congestion and a hacking cough. Today the sore throat finally went away but I still feel a little down with the cough and the sinuses. I have to be up on the road in six hours to get my dad to the other side of downtown for a PET scan. Yay me. I’ll nap when we get home.
My pictures from the last couple of days have been really boring. They’re on my flickr. Feel free to add me over there if you’re a member. I like friends there. I love sharing pictures with people and seeing what inspires them and what they want to remember. Today’s picture only needs one simple word.
Also, I’m not thrilled with my blog layout, so if you come to the actual blog, you will probably see it changing several times over the next few days until I find something I like. I’d really like my own design but I’m not that adept.