I feel the need to just spit words out through my fingers. Some sort of babbling catharsis. Like having someone to tell about your day, your misadventures, your sorrows, your smiles. That’s what you’re here for.

I’ve been cruising all the usual internet hot spots and completely ignoring my knitting tonight, which is not going to help me finish this project before 2011 strikes, which is my goal. I’ll still have one project on needles at the end of the year, unless I frog the cardigan I started, which now that I mention it, might not be a bad idea, because when I started it I was a size or two larger. Frogging that much would be painful, though, but possibly necessary. Oh, but then I still have that shawl on needles. Its not bothering me though because its hidden in a drawer.

I got back to the gym today. I just did cardio, but it felt good to be there doing it. The gym is still pretty calm, too. The new years resolution squad hasn’t started to pack in yet. I don’t know exactly how busy it will be then. Can’t possibly be too busy to find a machine, can it?

I reached out to an old friend last night. I’ve known him for something like 14 years. We’d be close for a while, then kind of meander off to other things, but eventually we’d find each other again, and things would always fall back in place almost like we’d never been apart. He’s a steady guy, no big changes in his behavior or interests. Always very calm and chill, even if he is a bit of a weirdo nerd. I love those things about him because its like he balances me out in ways. I’m a scatterbrained mess all over the place with what I’m into at a given moment, and emotionally, my god. He’s steady and straight and has dealt with a lot of mood swing and emotion from me, and has still cared enough to make sure I got home at the end of the night. I’ve wanted to kick me to the curb a lot, but he never has.

Anyway, he lives out at the coast now so I don’t see him, haven’t seen him in ages. We stay in touch through facebook, but lately I’ve been thinking about him and wanting to see him, to have that connection again. Besides, I always kind of felt like in a way I belonged with him, because of the way we fall so into place. I can’t totally explain that, its just a feeling I’ve had for a long time. So I contacted him last night with a sort of disjointed message, and he contacted me back. I guess I’ve just relied on him to not change and things to stay the same-like it was the one constant in my life!-but I get the feeling things are different now. Maybe he’s changed and grown and I haven’t kept up because I’m a lousy friend. I should have done a better job staying in touch with him and making more of an effort to see him (he works in town).

Its a lost opportunity? Definitely a lost love and big part of me if we can’t reconnect. My heart is broken because I’m feeling so lost. The one person I was sure of as always there has moved on. It really sucks, but its just as much my fault, if not more so.

Yeah, that’s what I’ve really wanted to hash out all day. I hate this heavy feeling.


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