anger

My mom was discharged from the hospital late Friday afternoon. I took her straight to the rehab and care facility they’d set her up in. She’s only there temporarily, just to make sure she has the strength to get around the house safely. She was at the same place earlier this year after a couple of hospital stays left her extremely weak. I don’t think she’ll be in it for two months again, though. At least I certainly hope not.

My dad is still in the hospital. He’s having surgery tomorrow morning to insert a feeding tube into his abdomen, and to biopsy the growth in his throat. He’d given me a list of things he wanted me to bring him, such as shaving stuff, a comb, and the yellow legal pads he writes on to communicate. I was gathering the stuff today, and I grabbed two legal pads. One of them had a note written on it. It was a note for the family, basically saying that now we knew the tumor had won. He knew I knew how sick he was and he wanted to explain what happened. In the note he blamed it on smoking, but also added that he didn’t regret it one bit, because the smoking brought him such pleasure in the 40-some years he did it. When I read it I felt like I’d been stabbed. He’s willing to let it all go because he loves smoking and cannot do it anymore. Nothing about being sorry, just glad that he got to smoke as long as he did.

I’m so angry with him right now I can’t even begin to explain it. How selfish! How arrogant. How disgusting? It feels like his family means nothing and smoking is everything. Its incomprehensible to me. I used to smoke, too, but I quit. I knew what it was doing to my health and I knew it upset Zach. So I quit! I quit after he had his surgery to remove his first tumor because I thought he wouldn’t be smoking anymore and I wanted to show my support by not smoking either. The day I quit, he started up again. Obviously I decided to continue with my plan to quit. It will be two years next month. And it was two years ago around today that he had surgery to remove cancer from his body.

He let it come back. He dared it to come back by continuing to smoke and drink. Now at least I understand why, but I can’t forgive him.

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2 thoughts on “anger

  1. Wow, I can certainly see why you’d be so upset with your dad. I’m so sorry. I think he probably just doesn’t want you to be upset about him being sick and is trying to justify that at least he had a good time getting sick, but yeah, it doesn’t exactly work that way…

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  2. Heather, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Unfortunately people often do not understand how their actions affect others. I am glad that you are not a person like that. If you ever need to vent, just let me know.

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