drained

I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. My body is aching from stress, worry, and lack of sleep. My mind is hazy. I’m not entirely sure which way is up, but I’d sure like to find it.

My mom is still in the hospital. She’s been doing a lot better and finally got moved to the progressive care unit today, which is a step closer to coming home. She’s been there for a week and a half already. Hopefully she’ll have some strength when she gets home.

I mentioned my dad’s ill health. Today he could barely even walk. I asked him if he wanted me to call for help, but he turned me down again. Finally around noon he was having trouble breathing and agreed to go. He was in really bad shape. The doctor in the ER said he was severely dehydrated and would be kept overnight at least to rehydrate him and find out what’s going on. I would be surprised if its anything besides the cancer returning. I don’t know what kind of choice he would make about that.

Its no wonder I have trouble with finding joy in the holidays. In 2008 my grandmother passed away in November, and my dad was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery to remove it in December. Last year my mom was in and out of the hospital from October through december, finally going into a physical rehab facility at the beginning of the year. Now this year, my dad is going through the same thing as 2008, and my mom is in and out of the hospital with heart problems. How is it possible to be happy and cheerful through this? Perhaps I should focus on the fact that I’ve lost weight over the past few holidays from stress and lack of nutrition? Yeah, that’s great.

I just need a break. Maybe having both of my parents in the hospital at the same time for a day or two will give me a chance to regroup and recuperate from being around so much sickness. Goodness knows I need some rest, at least.