silence

Its eerily quiet in this house. Its never this quiet. There’s always a TV on, and people up. My mother is a night owl, well, sort of. She sits with the TV on and dozes off a lot, then gets up and goes to bed in the morning, or to dialysis, depending on the day. My dad used to typically be up until 1:00-1:30am watching talk shows, but in the past week he’s started going to bed around 11pm. He’s in bed, Zach’s in bed, mom’s in the hospital, and the cat and I are the only ones up.

I’m not used to so much silence, so its uncomfortable for me right now. A lot of times, I relish silence, but because of the circumstances creating this silence, its uncomfortable. I have music playing on my laptop, but it doesn’t hide the fact that its so damn quiet. Not to be dramatic, but I think I need to make some sort of peace with this kind of silence.

My mom was admitted to the hospital last night. She told me they did a CAT scan and her head was fine, and a heart test, but nothing came from it. She paused before she said it was nothing, so I had a feeling she was lying. I get to the hospital and she’s in the cardiac intensive care unit, so obviously something is going on. I talked to her nurse. They did a cardiac cath last night and found blockage in three of her four arteries. Her heart output is at 55%, which is not too bad but not great. Also her left ventricle shows signs of working extra hard, and is enlarged. And that clean CAT scan? Signs of ischemia. So a couple times when I thought she’d had a small stroke, I was probably right, but nobody had done a CAT scan before. As for her heart, they’re going to try to control in medically. They put her on asprin. They can’t really put her on blood thinners because of dialysis. Its a tricky situation. Basically, she’s a mess. A bigger mess than I thought.

As for my dad, he’s eating very little because its painful and difficult to swallow, which is what he went through when they first found he cancer. Of course, he couldn’t breathe then either. Also, his coughing isn’t as strong as usual, making me think he’s weakening. Between the two of them, its a nightmare.

I’ve got to get back going to the gym, and I’ve got to stop eating better. I refuse to put my son through anything like I’m going through with my parents. I know its selfish, but their lack of care for themselves effects me greatly. I wonder what I might have done to make them care so little about their lives and wellbeing. Did I grow up too fast? Am I a disappointment? I don’t know that they realize how much this puts ME through. And Zach. Its not healthy mentally or physically living around people who are rotting.

Everyone, when you think about how you treat your body, think about the people that care about you. Treat yourself as you’d treat them. Take care.

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