insomnia a good thing?

I was upset and crying so much I couldn’t get to sleep. I came out to the living room and started to decorate the tree. My mom was puttering around in the kitchen fixing herself something to eat when I heard a strange crash. She’d fallen and cut her head open. Not a bad cut, but enough to freak me out.

I called 911, and they did a routine check over. Her heart rate was crazy again, and she’s been having trouble breathing, so they took her to the hospital. I know how much she hates to go, but if she’s sick, she needs to be treated. This may also give my dad a chance to really relax and maybe feel a little better.

My stress level, though? Its up there.

do worry, don’t be happy

I’ve become exceptional at one thing this month-worrying. I’ve always been good at it, but my ability has flown into hyper awesome awareness in this past month.

I was just hanging a few ornaments on the tree, as decorating the tree was on my agenda this evening until I started to worry about something and my mood plummeted (ok, the massive headache didn’t help). I ended up taking an evening nap, so even though I want to just go to sleep, I’m not sure that I would. But I digress, I was hanging a few ornaments on the tree and found myself worrying that they’d all be drooping off by Christmas. That dampened my already sour mood. I’ve got this feeling that its really important that this Christmas be nice because it just feels important. I mean, I live with family, but it just doesn’t always seem like family, and my subconscious thinks Christmas can save all.

But one thing in particular is really bothering me tonight. My mom had a doctors appointment but my dad had her cancel it because he doesn’t feel well. First off, I could have taken her and I don’t know why he didn’t think of that, but when I asked him what was wrong, he shook his head and waved me off. He won’t tell anyone what’s wrong. The reason this is so disturbing is because two years ago, he was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer and had to have a laryngectomy, because it was completely swallowing his “voice box.” The doctor felt confident that he got all of it, but still wanted my dad to have radiation because of one particular spot he was worried about. My dad elected not to do the radiation. The doctor had said something about with the surgery and the radiation he had an excellent five year survival rate. But without the radiation, not following up with the doctor, and going back to smoking and drinking, I’m sure he cut that survival rate to who knows what.

Long and short of it, my dad looks like hell. He’s uber thin because he barely eats, he’s pale as a ghost, and spends most of his time sitting in a chair bent over like he’s in pain. I’m scared to death that he’s dying, and I don’t know what to do. He won’t go to the doctor, won’t tell anyone what it is. I’m seriously freaked out. I’m not ready to lose a parent, especially because I’m afraid my mom wouldn’t be far behind. Facing your parents mortality really sucks.

Categories ugh

things done

Busy sort of weekend. Saturday we put up the outside lights. I got a nice bruise on my leg while climbing onto the roof, and had a load of fun hanging over the edge looking at the ground. It was much fun to be had by all, and it looks like I might be going back on the roof to plug click fix, since one of the strands decided to go partially out. I hate that.

I ran to Lowes to get a new ceiling fan and a couple Poinsettia, and some new lights for the bushes out front. That was fun. I usually enjoy going to hardware stores and the sorts, and looking at all of the random stuff that needs to be installed if you buy it.

I put the lights on the tree later that evening. It looks nice, well lit. Considering I was not firing on all cylinders  due to three hours of sleep. Did a bit more decorating and went to bed at 10:00.

Today I decided to take on my fear of my own inability and installed the ceiling fan. Zach helped me get the old one down (it was one heavy beast) and the neighbor drilled the mount into the ceiling. The old one was hanging on a heavy duty hook but the new one wouldn’t work that way. After the neighbor put up the bracket, I finished the installation, which included putting on the blades which was a pain in the ass. I wired the electrical myself, and the fan works! Go me!

Then again, I counter-acted the go me by forgetting about a concert I had tickets too. Zach had even mentioned it earlier in the day, but I was so absorbed by getting the fan up. It didn’t really register in my brain until I was exhausted and hurting.

Now I’m tired again. Ready to crawl into bed and give up on the day. Bah humbug. I’m moody now.

too much sleep

I slept hardcore. Really seriously hardcore. For a long time. Apparently I needed it. I even slept through a power outage, which is something that would normally wake me (I don’t know why). Sadly though, when the power came back on, the motor in my ceiling fan refused to turn the blades anymore, so I will soon be shopping for a new fan. I’m so used to having it on that its weird to have it be still. Also sadly, I slept so much I’m not tired now.

My cat was staring at me and I got the hiccups. Is there a correlation there? If so, damn cat.

I’m usually ready to swing into Christmas mode right about now, but I’m totally not. I’ve been in a moody mood instead. I was trying to figure out what’s making me feel this way, and I think, nine albums in, I’ve figured out the problem. While doing my iTunes A-Z, listening to Diana Krall. I have ten of her albums. I love the music, but I think it high doses, it puts me in a moody mood. I’m on the last one, now. I think I can finish it and preserve my sanity. The end is so close! I hope this isn’t going to effect the way I listen to music now, though. I’m really trying hard to get through my iTunes library, but for some reason it keeps growing, like I keep downloading music or something.

Tomorrow, while the weather is nice, we’ll be putting up outdoor lights. This means I will be crawling on the roof, which is not really amongst my favorite things. The cooler temperatures should lift my spirits, though, and maybe put me in more of a holiday mood. If that doesn’t. Hopefully putting the lights on the tree will. Or maybe I just need time?

Can has sleep now?

Thanksgiving has been cooked, and eaten, and the leftovers put away. Everything was pretty chillax up until the end when suddenly I had to finish everything  with no help from the peanut gallery. The turkey turned out really delicious and succulent. I cook it according to the gospel of Alton Brown, brining and roasting first at 500 degrees, then dropping it to 350. If you want to try it the next time you cook a bird (you really do want to try this) you can go here and try it on for size. I won’t be roasting another whole bird until next year, since we switched to ham for Christmas, but I will definitely be using that method again.

The cornbread stuffing with bacon turned out really super yummy and pretty. I wish I had remembered to take a picture of it. The mashed potatoes and green beans were delightful, and the gravy was lumpy, but I forgive myself for that because at that point I was running around with a burned finger trying to get the potatoes mashy and the green beans steamed just right. Then I had to leave the kitchen entirely to get the kid to come help because I was at a loss for all of the appendages necessary to finish and serve the meal. Oh, and the cranberries I made the other day? Oh my goodness. There was just a hint of the orange, and the warmth of the cinnamon and ginger weren’t lost to the tart cranberries. I have to give props to Jaclyn for making me want to do cranberry sauce again. There is pumpkin pie to be had, but I’m not feeling like pie right now. Honestly, I’m not much of a pie person, really. I like the filling, don’t like the crust.

Now that this holiday is over, its time to prepare for the next. But that won’t start until after I take a post-meal post-blog-post nap. I think I’ve earned it.

settling down

I’m happy to report that I finally feel like Thanksgiving is under control. The cornbread for the stuffing is done, the pumpkin pie has been baked, the turkey is brining, I’ve pretty much done everything I can to make tomorrow as easy as its gonna get. Hopefully this means I will sleep tonight.

There is also a tree standing in the living room. I figure its a month until Christmas, and I usually get it before Thanksgiving anyway, and it lasts past Christmas. This gives it time to fluff out before it gets lights and ornaments. I don’t know why I worry so much about getting the “live” trees as soon as possible. The things are cut a couple months ago and stored in cold houses. Does anybody out there get a “live” tree? When do you get yours? Of course, its also been in the 80’s here so I’m sure it doesn’t do them any good to sit out in that. I won’t panic over decorating or shopping, so maybe my panic is finished for the year? No, I’ll find something else to panic over.

For now, I relax, and keep plowing my way through my iTunes library, A-Z. Current music-Depeche Mode.

ETA. Its 4:55 am, and I’m still awake. I guess I’m just not supposed to sleep normally. In other news, listening to Diana Krall now. Soothing music.

haunted by turkey and stuffing

This is the fourth year in a row that I have done the Thanksgiving preparations and cooking on my own (except for the mashed potatoes, Zach usually helps with those but I’m not counting on it this year). I’ve made the cranberry sauce already, and I got out of bed at 1am because I was tossing and turning over other things, namely the brine and the cornbread. So I made the brine for the turkey. Now I have to wait for it to cool enough to go in the refrigerator.

I don’t know why I suffer so much from this holiday. This not sleeping business is new. I think maybe its because I spent my childhood watching my mother and grandmother work so hard on Thanksgiving. They did very little prep and spent pretty much the entire day in the kitchen, and dinner was always late, and there was a huge mess to clean up. I feel like its a lot to live up to, and surpass if I can. See, even now I’m thinking I should be making the cornbread.

And gravy! I forgot the damn gravy! I guess I’ll be making it with pan drippings. Ack! Whole milk. I forgot that too. See, I don’t put too much pressure on myself, do I?

Lucky for all of this it’ll be over in a couple days.