Something that upsets me. Hmm. I get upset over little things, but I think I’ll follow the theme of today, which is NOH8, and talk about bullying.
I was bullied in middle school. I wasn’t the “typical” student at my school, not from a rich family, and I hadn’t been going to the school since kindergarten. I was an outsider, and worse than that, I was fully in the ravages of puberty, unlike many of the other girls there. I had zits, no other girl did (seriously, maybe one other girl had a noticeable case, and she got picked on too). My boobs were bigger, and I was very shy and incredibly awkward. I wore baggy clothes (especially tops) every day. I was in hiding because I was embarrassed by my development.
The guys were the worst. They would make fun of my looks. They especially enjoyed play flirting and then laughing if I responded. Then I stopped responding and they still made fun and laughed. The girls picked on me for what I wore, because it wasn’t all Ralph Lauren, Guess, or Laura Ashley. I remember begging my mother for a Liz Claiborne purse just so I would feel a little bit like I fit in. Everyone picked on me because of my taste in music. It was just a free for all!
Everyday when I went home from this place, I just felt torn to pieces. I was very depressed, and did at times think I about taking my own life just so I wouldn’t have to deal with them, with being a “weirdo” teenager. I had other friends back on the base that I spent time with, and I did have some friends at that school (other people who weren’t popular and got picked on). But it still drove me into such a deep hatred towards myself, and made me even more shy.
It took me years to wear clothes that fit, years to be able to smile at a stranger without the fear that they’d make a horrible face. To this day I still worry about my skin. I know, I should have a spine by now, but not for everything. I am still very sensitive about how I look.
I know what I went through probably doesn’t really compare to what some kids go through today. The teenage years can be so difficult to come to terms with in the first place, but then to have people undermine who you are, who you’re becoming? That’s not right. There is NO reason for it except the bullies own insecurities. Its such a hateful thing, a painful thing, and it really upsets me.