Things have been weighing heavily on my mind lately, invading my dreams, keeping me from resting, leaving me in a cold sweat. In some ways I feel like I’ve been living a lie for four years.
In 2005 (technically we met in 2004) I met a guy, and we really hit it off–like sparks shooting and “all signs point to yes”–hit it off. We were practically inseparable from our first kiss. A first kiss that was THAT kind of first kiss. The relationship progressed emotionally very quickly, and within a few months we were engaged.
I was on top of the moon. I’d finally found a guy perfect for me who loved me and adored my son, someone I could see myself growing old with. I’m not going to say he was perfect, he had flaws, but so do I. Time rolled on, we were planning the wedding for October of 2006. We spent the holidays between both of our families homes. Everything was working flawlessly, it seemed. Move on to March of 2006, and things change. I’d gone through a mini-crisis at the beginning of the year after losing my job, which he stayed with me through, but he did start getting a bit distant.
In late March, he broke up with me. I’m not going to go into all of the details since it gets complicated, but needless to say I was shocked. I leaned on friends, talked a lot, wrote a lot, and came to the conclusion that things really hadn’t been working flawlessly. There were signs, I just didn’t see them at the time they were happening. I put on a strong face and said I was ok, I survived. It was fated to end and there was nothing I could have done to save it because deep down, we’d both done things to show we needed out. I talked to him a few weeks after we broke up and we agreed we would eventually see each other again.
I held myself together for a couple of months, but when summer came, every emotion that I should have had came barreling down on my all at once. I spent quite some time in a great deal of pain, feeling a lot like I had a wound that wouldn’t heal. I drank to try to dull the pain so I could function, but you can all guess how that went. Bit me in the ass big time. I was angry, I was bitter, and even ended up losing some friends because of that. Eventually, I was pretty much alone, except for online friends.
So its been four years. I told myself a few years ago I was over him, but I’m just lying to myself. Certainly the pain is not as fresh, and logically I realize it wasn’t meant to be, and wouldn’t have worked, but he still crosses my mind on a daily basis, sometimes hanging around haunting my dreams for several days. There are times when I’m in bed at night and can still feel that unhealed wound and all I can do is cry. I have no idea where he is or what he’s doing. He managed to erase himself from the face of the earth, it seems, so I never got a chance to see him after that day we broke up. I was never able to really talk to him, look him in the eye, and find closure.
I’ve not told anyone that I still miss him, not that there are many people left in my life from that time. Something snapped in my brain tonight that said “get it out, quit carrying it your mind alone.” So I’m not.